“Domino’s Pizza Inc is kicking off June with a special deal: customers can carry out large two-topping pizzas for $6.99 each from June 2-8. ‘Summer is unofficially here, and Domino’s is celebrating by doing what we do best: offering delicious pizza at a great value,’ said Kate Trumbull, Domino’s executive vice president – chief marketing officer. ‘Whether you’re hosting a graduation party, throwing a summer gathering with friends or watching the final basketball games, Domino’s has your meal plans covered. It’s the perfect time to take advantage of this deal!’ Domino’s $6.99 weeklong carryout special is available for any large pizza with two toppings, including Hand Tossed, Crunchy Thin or New York Style crust. For a $3 upcharge, customers can try Domino’s delectable new Parmesan Stuffed Crust pizza,” says a press release from Domino’s heralding a liminal window the chain is charging customers a price marginally closer to their product’s actual value.

That’s right. For the next six days, starting the moment East Coast Domino’s locations open this morning, in the specific circumstance in which customers enter the establishments themselves to retrieve the specified product, they can obtain the foodstuffs for at a cost more proximate to their worth than they were just hours ago when large two-topping pizzas were priced as high as $14.99 or even more at some franchises. Meaning that even those who would justifiably proclaim “You couldn’t pay me to eat that fucking garbage” could experience a brief, ephemeral pause. Then, in the weaker willed among them, a dark metastasis of “Well, I haven’t had it in a while. Maybe it’s gotten better,” portends a collapse of resistance. Mere curiosity blooms into intemperance, the wicked malignance summoned by the black glyphs “D O M I N O S . C O M” materializes from the aether…

Come away from entrancement, liege! RESIST THE BECKONING SIREN! YOU ARE GREATER THAN THIS! UNWIND THE CURSED TENDRILS THAT HAVE CAPTURED AND DAMNED THOUST SOUL!