White House sources tell CBS News that, in what could have been a fateful meeting, DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro on Monday brought boxes full of evidence exculpating David Hearn and the other defendants falsely accused of vandalizing convicted felon President Trump’s precious reflecting pool, apparently convincing the fat bastard that he was wrong.

“In light of all the renewed interest in my family affairs I am going to file my own paperwork for an ethics investigation into myself to clear my name from these horrific attacks on myself and family. I have absolutely nothing to hide. We will be providing the committee all necessary documents needed for a detail examination. The accusations continue to change, but my facts stay the same. I am looking forward to my colleagues reading everything for themselves,” tweeted terrible human being Republican Ohio Congressman Max Miller on Tuesday. Bold move there Cotton.

“Many people have weighed in on Paramount’s agreement to acquire Warner Bros Discovery – media analysts, power brokers, political commentators, competitors and, of course, lawyers. For a transaction of this size, that is expected and appropriate. The one person you haven’t heard from is me. There is a reason for that. I believe that anyone who oversees a news organization – I am chief executive of Paramount, which owns CBS – shouldn’t put a finger on the scale, especially on matters involving his own company. So, when California’s attorney general, 11 other state attorneys general and, a day later, the Writers Guild of America sued to stop the deal, I stayed quiet. I quickly learned such restraint has costs. While I was silent, others were happy to write my story for me. No more.”

“I believe this fight is not really about market share. If it were, it wouldn’t have been reviewed and approved by regulators reflecting 65 countries, including the United States, the European Union and China. I believe a plainer worry sits beneath the briefs and the news releases: the news. The issue is whether I can be trusted as a steward of Warner’s CNN. There has been speculation about my politics, my loyalties, my intentions,” writes MAGA oligarch David Ellison in an NYT op-ed, and yeah, no shit the opposition is about CNN because he ruined CBS News and nobody wants to see the same thing happen to CNN.

An allegedly “former” Neo-Nazi, convicted in 2016 of harassing a Jewish MP by calling her a “dominatrix” and “an evil money-grabber” with a “deep-rooted hatred of men,” is running under the Conservative Party ticket for a seat in next year’s Somerset Council elections, the Independent reports on British politics becoming just a little bit more like American politics.

Joshua Bonehill-Paine said he’s “tremendously proud” to have been selected by the party to stand as a candidate to rep Crewkerne South on the regional council. Commenting on his candidacy, Tory leader Kemi Badenoch said the party “believes in second chances… Josh is someone who actually has been certified by the Home Office to train police officers on anti-Semitism and on countering extremism. Yes, he is somebody who had been previously convicted, but he is someone has shown contrition for his crimes, has been rehabilitated and is spending every day working to solve the very problem which he knew he had caused previously.” Still sounds pretty “feature, not bug.”

NEW: @nickshirleyy explains being chased and threatened with a knife through the streets of Ceuta, Spain allegedly by Moroccan migrants:

"We saw a guy reach for his knife and he said he was going to stab both of us, so we obviously ran as far as we could."

"Our car was parked… pic.twitter.com/XdgarGad98

— Fox News (@FoxNews) August 4, 2026

Convicted felon President Trump on Monday told fellow woman abuser Max Miller that “things aren’t looking good” for Miller’s reelection campaign to his seat in Ohio’s 7th District, Axios reports, adding that Miller had refused to drop out or resign and insisted to Donald his polling was just fine.

Keep in mind that Miller was a White House staffer during Trump’s first term and had dated Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham – who later credibly accused Miller of domestic abuse – and then Trump recruited him to take on first term Republican Anthony Gonzales, who voted to impeach Trump for inciting the January 6th riot. Meaning Trump always knew Miller was a piece of shit, it just wasn’t a problem until now that the son of a bitch is hanging on to a safe red seat by a thread.

Sources tell MS Now’s Jake Traylor that DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro was seen arriving at the White House on Monday afternoon, presumably for a chat with the Orange Kingpin.

Convicted felon President Trump is “furious” with DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro for dropping the fake case against former Olympian Dave Hearn for “vandalizing” the Orange Slob’s precious reflecting pool, sources tell CNN, adding it’s “highly likely she’s removed from her job.”

Another one of Trump’s minions said Trump was “blindsided” by Pirro’s court filing admitting that Hearn hadn’t actually done anything wrong, adding “The president did not know beforehand that she was going to do that.” God forbid a crazy nutcase Fox News host would know when to give up.

Sensing some good Fox News hit out of it, House Judiciary shitbrain Jim Jordan on Monday sent a letter to New Jersey Lt Gov/Secretary of State Dale Caldwell, ceremoniously announcing that “The Committee on House Administration and the Committee on the Judiciary are charged with upholding American civil liberties and defending the integrity of American elections. During a July 21, 2026, press conference, New Jersey Governor Mikie Sherrill announced that approximately 6,600 noncitizens were registered to vote between June 2023 and June 2024 because the state Motor Vehicle Commission (MVC) sent the information of noncitizens who accurately marked they were not citizens to the Department of State’s Division of Elections and the noncitizens were then registered to vote. According to Governor Sherrill, around 400 of these individuals successfully voted in elections since 2023. We write to express our serious concerns with New Jersey apparently adding thousands of noncitizens to its voter rolls and to request information from the New Jersey Department of State about its compliance with applicable federal voting laws.”

“Iranian Leadership is unbelievably duplicitous! They ask for a meeting, some would say ‘beg,’ talks begin, with more scheduled in the immediate future, and they say, openly and proudly, that they’re not having any discussions, that nothing is being talked about, and they’re only dealing with ‘Oman.'”

“They then go on to give their usual blather in saying, the Strait of Hormuz will be operated powerfully by them, when it is already completely controlled by the United States Navy and our ‘Blockade’ or, as some say, ‘The United States Wall of Steel!’ Nothing gets through to Iran, unless we want it to, and nothing will get through, unless a Deal, or Total Surrender, is accomplished. Whether Iran wants to admit it or not, we are, in fact, talking of a solution to a problem that they have caused, for decades. It is very simple, IRAN WILL NEVER HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON!” posted the Orange Drama Queen on Monday, crying woefully as his reckless actions continue to bear consequences.

Mamdani says he wants to keep non-NYC residents out of city government run grocery stores by making sure shoppers use an ID: “We are looking to make sure that we target New Yorkers … sort of a library card-esque thing.” pic.twitter.com/T7KnTBK7kc

— TheBlaze (@theblaze) August 3, 2026

Pink blob Glenn Beck’s outlet The Blaze didn’t need to say it, the implication was clear in the quote from New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani in the above tweet that, because there might be some sort of system akin to a library card required to shop at the still-in-the-works NYC municipal grocery stores, every state should require voters to present a photo ID before casting a ballot.

The MAGAverse could do worse in terms of their arguments in favor of the SAVE America Act, and they have with that stupid “Olive Garden pasta pass” one from a few weeks ago. Plus this kind of retroactively validates convicted felon President Trump’s tortuous “you need an ID to buy groceries” line he trots out every now and then. It is however kind of hard to imagine it actually happening in practice simply because (A) there’s going to be a shit ton of demand and creating extra friction when these places finally open will in all likelihood prompt officials to scrap whatever requirement is in place and (B) It’s even harder to imagine some New Jerseyan or Long Islander suffering through traffic and then scarce parking to save only so much relative to continuing to shop at their local supermarket. And after all that it’s simply New York’s municipal version of Costco.

Nauru, the third-least populated sovereign nation on the planet with just 12,000, is shaking things up with a rebrand to a more locally-appropriate Naoero, and its demonym from Nauruan to dei-Naoero, President David Adeang announced on the government’s Facebook page last week, the AP reports.

Adeang had considered putting the name change to a referendum but figured the people would be fine with it since Parliament had voted in favor of the change. Naoero is now among several nations to have undergone name changes in the 21st century, most recently the Republic of North Macedonia – who caved and added the “North” after decades of disputes with neighboring Greece alleging misappropriation of its ancient region of the same name. That same year Eswatini ditched “Swaziland” for a more authentically African-sounding name for its absolute monarchy.

Hopefully certain other leaders don’t get the idea that countries can be rebranded fairly easily.

“My REAL Polling Numbers, not those made up by the Fake News Media, are the best they have ever been, and why wouldn’t they be with the biggest tax cuts and employment numbers EVER, the biggest outside Investment in America in World history, a totally secure Border, a giant Victory in Venezuela, the Denuclearization of Iran, unparalleled respect and success throughout the World, and much more? Don’t believe the Radical Left’s Fake Poll numbers. They are Crooked and Corrupt, just like the Country Destroying Dumocrats are Crooked and Corrupt. VOTE REPUBLICAN FOR GREATNESS IN AMERICA!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday morning.

The screed was among the first after the debut of the $100,000/month “Truth Social API” advertised to investors who want early access to Trump’s posts for an edge on market trading positions divined from presidential messaging. At least the bribery part of it could theoretically end up paying off.

MIGRANT WARNING: Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump was right to warn that the U.S. could face a migration crisis similar to Spain's if Democrats regain power in the 2026 midterm elections https://t.co/RehUPbBS1P

— NEWSMAX (@NEWSMAX) August 3, 2026

A recent study by British gas station security firm Forecourt Eye finds that drivers in the United Kingdom have collectively stolen about £194,000 worth of gas from stations nationwide every day in the last 5+ months since convicted felon President Trump started his illegal war with Iran and fucked up fuel supplies for pretty much every single person on Earth and not just the 77 million Americans stupid and/or amoral enough to have returned the deranged tyrant to power, the BBC reports.

The firm also found numerous instances of “abuse, intimidation and violence from frustrated customers,” raging over price increases that were, again, wrought not by British government policy or business decisions made by the gas stations, but Trump’s feckless attack on Iran and subsequent state of disarray from his inability to conquer the belligerent Islamic dictatorship. It also might help if UK gas stations would just require payment before drivers start pumping. That’s just smart business sense irrespective of any global price spike and it’s simply weird how that isn’t already a thing.

In a sign of just how goddamned stupid everything is, a senior officer in US Central Command last week wrote in an email to what CNN describes as “a broad group of military analysts” that CENTCOM is “looking for new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran,” evidently because the top masterminds of 21st century warfare are out of ideas on what to do.

“At the end of the day, POTUS will want a deal, so he’ll continually look for ways to get tough and get out of this,” a source told CNN, adding “You need creative minds at times – especially if you’re running out of conventional options.” This of course assumes that any one individual officer in the Pentagon’s middle management ranks have the full picture and are actually aware of what resources that CENTCOM has at its disposal. Like any one idea could be legitimately great but at the same time be based on an incomplete understanding of the top echelons of the Defense Department.

That’s what leadership is supposed to do and if leadership cannot figure out how the hell to defeat an adversary and is now resorting to sending out an email asking to have a fucking brainstorming session and then it leaks to the media then that’s not really a great sign of how things are going.

In related news Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Esmaeil Baghaei on Monday denied that there were any talks underway between US and Tehran. The IRGC also shot down at least one US Reaper drone over the Strait of Hormuz, costing US taxpayers however many millions each unit runs for.

The St. John Police Department is investigating a shooting at a fast-food restaurant on Sunday night that left one man injured. https://t.co/0RH3U7qTtC

— KMOV (@KMOV) August 3, 2026

Facing no other choice to find a way to get formally confirmed, Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche late Sunday issued an order saying “although the Acting Attorney General has repeatedly advised Congress through testimony, including under oath, as well as in written responses, that the [$1.776 billion slush fund for Capitol rioters and other MAGA scumbags] is not moving forward, and the Department has repeatedly represented to district courts that the Fund is not moving forward, today’s Order officially rescinds the May 18, 2026 Order,” the Associated Press reports.