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Mad Fuhrer issues signature all-caps bunker rant

“OIL IS FLOWING, IRAN CAN NEVER HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON (THE WORLD WILL BE SAFE!), THE STOCK MARKETS ARE ROARING, JOBS ARE AT RECORDS, AND PRICES ARE DROPPING (AFFORDABILITY!). OUR COUNTRY IS STRONG, SAFE, AND RESPECTED LIKE NEVER BEFORE. ‘YOU’RE WELCOME!'” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday.

You’re welcome, America. All of the Fuhrer’s sacrifices and suffering have gifted you with such good fortune and it’s on you to express humble gratitude to him for having such courage.

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BREAKING: UFC terror attack plotter a Mexican DACA recipient!!!

“Officials say Mexican national Abraham Alvarez was arrested by the FBI in Omaha on the day of the event before ICE lodged a detainer against him. Alvarez came to the United States as a child and was granted deportation relief through DACA after he failed to leave the country when his B2 visa expired in 2001,” says the rest of the BREAKING NEWS tweet after the cutoff.

Yes, the “mastermind” of what would have been the worst terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11 was approximately 1,009 miles away from his target on the day of the attack… but he checks other boxes because he’s technically an illegal immigrant on parole. And a Mexican. He could be a rainbow fentanyl addict who owns a Colin Kaepernick jersey too, you never know.

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Tropical Storm Arthur to dump up to 20 inches of rain on Texas

“At 700 PM CDT (0000 UTC), the center of Tropical Storm Arthur was located near latitude 29.4 North, longitude 94.9 West. Arthur is moving erratically toward the northeast near 8 mph. A northeastward to north-northeastward motion should continue through tonight. On the forecast track, the center of Arthur should move farther inland over southeastern Texas tonight.”

“Maximum sustained winds are now near 40 mph (65 km/h) with higher gusts. Weakening is expected as the center of Arthur moves farther inland, and it could dissipate later tonight or early Thursday. Tropical-storm-force winds extend outward up to 175 miles (280 km) mainly to the southeast of the center. An oil rig well to the southeast of the center recently reported sustained winds of 38 mph (61 km/h) at an elevation of 135 ft (41 m). The estimated minimum central pressure is 1000 mb (29.53 inches). Tropical Storm Arthur is expected to produce rainfall totals of 5 to 10 inches, with isolated higher totals near 20 inches, through early Friday from the Mid and Upper Texas coast east-northeast into southern and central portions of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama, along with western portions of Georgia and the Florida Panhandle. This could generate dangerous to life-threatening flash flooding,” says the National Hurricane Center in advisory statement on the damn early June storm. Fucking 20 inches of rain sounds not good.

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“Pastors for Trump” founder forsaken by his true God

“I greatly appreciate Jackson Lahmeyer’s hard work under difficult circumstances — He has always been with me, and I will always be with him. But, when it comes to the current Congressional race for Oklahoma’s 1st Congressional District, I will be supporting America First Patriot, Mark Tedford.”

“Mark is Pro Trump and MAGA all the way! A Proven Leader, Mark has served his Community as a Highly Respected State Legislator and Businessman, prior to running for Congress. Mark Tedford has my Complete and Total Endorsement to be the next Representative from Oklahoma’s 1st District, HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday.

“It is my Great Honor to endorse MAGA Warrior, Jackson Lahmeyer, who is running to represent the fantastic people of Oklahoma’s 1st Congressional District, and has been with me from the very beginning of our Movement to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Jackson was the Founder of ‘Pastors For Trump,’ a Nationwide Coalition of Faith Leaders committed to advancing our America First agenda, and defending Religious Liberty! A very successful Pastor, Businessman, and” blah blah blah Trump had posted 40 days ago before Lahmeyer reportedly is set to drop out of the race after some “flirty text messages” with his not-wife surfaced thanks to, you guessed it, the Daily Mail.

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Jon “Os(jerk!)off” pretty clever for Trump

“So happy for highly respected Congressman Mike Collins. He will win his Senate Race in Georgia against a pathetic failed Dumocrat Senator, Os(jerk!)off, who is a joke in DC. Nobody even knows who he is!!! I’ll be doing Big TRUMP Rallies for Mike in Georgia!” posted convicted felon President Trump at 2:50 AM EDT on Wednesday following his endorsee’s win in the Senate primary.

Not bad for Trump, that “Os(jerk!)off” nickname, though you have to deduct a few points for the stray exclamation point that mars the otherwise solid placement. “Os-jerk-off” or perhaps “Os-jerkoff” would have been better execution but that’s getting close to hairsplitting. The point got across. Good work Donnie. If only literally everything else you did as president had the same quality.

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“Incensed by the dissent”

A “longtime Trump confidant” tells the Atlantic’s Jonathan Lemire that the convicted felon president has been “incensed by the dissent” from his once loyal-worshippers making noises over the utter capitulation by the “memorandum of understanding” with Iran – particularly from soft-chinned wiener Marc Thiessen, the former Bush speechwriter turned Fox News head who said it’s basically the same as former President Barack Obama’s 2015 Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action.

Other armchair warrior Mark Levin’s disconsolate wails of “I have asked for days, why can’t we, the people, see the damn MOU?” also irked the Orange God Emperor. Of adult Disney fan Lindsey Graham, Lemire writes that the dainty South Carolinian “made his reservations known, although he has carefully avoided blaming Trump and tried to pin responsibility on [neckbearded Vice President Jaydee] Vance, who was the lead American negotiator in the early stages of the talks,” lol.

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You can kind of tell why they wanted to hang Mike Pence

Now let’s make one thing totally clear here: This site is not advocating for Mike Pence to be hanged for any reason, nor even expressing any kind of sympathy with those who wanted him hanged – or really “lynched” would have been the more accurate description of what nearly happened to him on January 6th, 2021. “Hanging” implies an organized imposition of a sentence by the lawful decree of a judge or jury – or that of a tribunal operating under at least some sort of imprimatur of authority, even if it’s a summary or inchoate “kangaroo” court hastily assembled by a new fiat cleaning house.

Anyway, Mike Pence should not have been beaten and then strung up by his neck on a hastily improvised gallows on that day and it’s through a combination of luck and the professionalism of his Secret Service detail that he was not savagely murdered by such a means. Full stop.

Really the only “however” here is that, well, you can kind of see why the MAGA freaks wanted to savagely murder him because goddamn he really is not doing any favors to their cause here with all this very much unvarnished criticism of his former boss’s surrender to the Iranians. You would want him swaying at the business end of a noose if you were a bloodthirsty Trump fanboy overly sensitive to some Q-tip headed establishment politician telling you exactly what you don’t want to hear.

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Rick Jackson defeats Trump-endorsed scumbag in Georgia gov primary, Trump-endorsed scumbag Collins takes Senate primary

MAGA millionaire Rick Jackson on Tuesday defeated MAGAstablishment Trump endorsee Lt Gov Burt Jones in the Georgia GOP gubernatorial primary runoff on Tuesday, National Zero projects based on a bunch of tweets by election eggheads. Meanwhile the other Trump endorsee, far-right shitty speller Congressman Mike Collins, took the Republican Senate nomination over Gov Brian Kemp-endorsed former Tennessee sportsball coach Derek Dooley in that race’s runoff.

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McDonald’s celebrates America250 by reviving fried apple pies

“Summer tends to move fast – but the moments worth remembering don’t. And with America’s 250th birthday around the corner, we’re bringing back a fan-favorite and bona fide national treasure made for slowing down and savoring the season: the Fried Apple Pie. If you know, you know. If you don’t, June 23 is your chance to find out. The OG Fried Apple Pie is back at participating restaurants nationwide for a limited time. The all-day menu item features our signature filling made with 100 percent American-grown apples, wrapped in the same golden crunch and flaky fried crust fans remember – or soon won’t forget,” says the Golden Arches in a press release.

Deep fried. McDonald’s. Real American apples. Checking a lot of the right boxes there, fellas.

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Taxpayers covering at least $300 million of Trump ballroom costs

On the day in March that convicted felon President Trump told reporters that his stupid ballroom project “is taxpayer-free. We have no taxpayer putting up 10 cents,” it had already been more than three weeks since the contractor had collected $300 million, according a project summary obtained by the Washington Post exposing the Orange Diva queen’s lavish dream ballroom.

The contractor, Clark Construction “had informed the White House that the projected cost had increased to $600 million. A project summary dated March 5 shows that nearly half of that, $293 million, was expected to come from ‘private sources.’ The estimate said an additional $155 million would come from the Secret Service, $149 million from the White House Military Office and $3 million from the Executive Residence, all sources funded by taxpayers.”

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Muslim Republican leaves Texas GOP convention in tears

Egyptian-born Texas man Mohamed Hussein tells the Texas Tribune he knew going in he was probably in for a rough time at the state Republican party convention over the weekend, he just didn’t expect to exit in tears after being told to either convert to Christianity or leave the US.

“When they say Sharia-free, that means Muslim-free, no practices of Islam,” Hussein said. “No one is calling for the state to implement Sharia laws,” he added and yeah, no shit, but Sharia is Gov Greg Abbott, Lt Gov Dannie Goeb, and Attorney General Ken Paxton’s campaign theme this year.

“I would strongly advise you to leave our caucus. There is a Democrat convention happening in a couple weeks. Join them,” said outgoing state party chair Abraham George, an Indian-American Christian who lost his bid for a second term amid a wave of anti-Indian sentiment in the Texas GOP.

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