“We’re launching a new pilot program to fight rats in DC. This spring, we’re combining baiting, tracking powder, and an innovative fertility suppressant to target the rodent population. Let’s work together to keep the population down by securing trash and keeping alleys clear,” tweeted DC Mayor Muriel Bowser on Wednesday and no she means like actual mice and rats not conservative politicians, lobbyists, lawyers and so on. Yes everyone’s disappointed that it’s literal. Totally.

Evidently satisfied with their record of doing incredibly dangerous shit in the middle of the ocean to disrupt what little remains of the global whaling industry in the 21st century, militant activist group the Captain Paul Watson Foundation have turned their attention to the tiny crustaceans that whales feed upon and are now doing incredibly dangerous shit to disrupt the krill industry too.

Per the AP, Team Watson’s latest hit was from the bow of their vessel, the M/V Bandero, against the port side of the Antarctic Sea, a vessel operated by Norwegian krill concern Aker Qrill during a Wednesday confrontation off the coast of the frozen wasteland continent. The astonishingly fucking reckless strike in remote waters so far from any rescue that it might as well be on the moon was said by the company to have come within centimeters of the trawler’s diesel tank. Which would’ve been lucky for the members of either crew who had been instantly killed at least. That would suck about 99 percent less than huddled in a lifeboat for a few hours before finally being capsized.

“Despite decades of study, a quantitative, integrated framework to evaluate minute-scale throughput, geometric control, and a zero external footprint for Khufu’s pyramid has been lacking. We test the Integrated Edge-Ramp (IER) model – a helical path formed by omitting and backfilling perimeter courses – using a unified, end-to-end pipeline coupling parametric geometry, discrete-event logistics, and staged finite-element analysis (FEA). An adaptive multi-ramp strategy can sustain 4–6-min dispatches and yields a median on-site duration of 13.8 – 20.6 years (95 percent CI); including quarrying, river transport, and seasonal pauses gives 20 – 27 years. FEA indicates that stresses remain within plausible limits for Old Kingdom limestone under self-weight.”

“The model’s geometry is also consistent with internal voids identified by muon imaging (a hypothesis-generating result). The IER helps reconcile throughput, survey access, and zero-footprint closure, and produces falsifiable predictions (edge-fill signatures, corner wear). Our study provides a transferable, open-data/code framework for testing construction hypotheses for ancient megastructures,” says the abstract to a paper by independent researcher Vicente Luis Rosell Roig.

Wow, so they used science and like 6-Sigma kind of shit to optimize their means of whipping slaves to build a giant tomb for one guy for somewhere between two and three decades straight.

Birthright citizenship means the children of illegal aliens can vote to tax your children and seize their inheritance.

— Stephen Miller (@StephenM) April 1, 2026

Goddamn. To be there while Stephen got up off the couch and tried to rip the TV off the wall and, after about 35 seconds of furtive panting and squealing while struggling to pull from the mount, ordering a Secret Service agent to unload his pistol’s entire clip into it. And then the agent looking at him expressionless, saying nothing, and exiting the room to resume his patrol of the West Wing.

Which led Stephen to post this shit as though the six Republicans on the court were going to feel their phone notifications buzz and interrupt the ACLU counsel to announce that they’ve heard a compelling outside perspective on the matter and will be ruling in the government’s favor forthwith.

Stevie’s boss issued a similarly terse and defeated lament, posting “We are the only Country in the World STUPID enough to allow ‘Birthright’ Citizenship!” on a different social media platform.

With no sign of whether he perceived how terribly it went for his stupid attempt to unilaterally limit birthright citizenship, convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday left the Supreme Court early and in the middle of ACLU counsel Cecillia Wang’s argument to the justices, CNN reports.

As fun as it would be to write this comparing him to a Mets fan who’s already on the 7 train by the time the Reds hit a three run double to put them up 12-nothing in the top of the 5th, there’s no indication how clearly he understood just how badly his overpriced righty Sauer got shelled.

Though to be fair, Trump’s post on Monday did obviously anticipate Sauer would pitch a clunker.

“This executive order is illegal on its face. States run elections, not the president. The president couldn’t convince Congress to pass his disastrous voter suppression bill, so he’s resorted to this.”

“This order will only make it harder for eligible Michigan citizens to vote and will create chaos at every step of the election process. The truth is that our elections are already secure. By ordering the DOJ to target state and local election officials, this administration is coming after hardworking local public servants for doing their jobs safeguarding democracy. It is meant to sow fear, confusion, and doubt among voters. As Secretary of State, I will protect the votes and voices of Michiganders.”

“The law is on our side, and I will take swift action to fight this illegal order in court,” said Dem Michigan Secretary of State and leading gubernatorial candidate Jocelyn Benson in a statement responding to convicted felon President Trump’s deranged executive order on Tuesday.

A woman in the German city of Hamburg suffered a bite from a wild wolf outside of an IKEA store on Wednesday, state broadcaster DPA reports while marking it as a milestone in the vicious canines’ resurgence into the country as the first recorded attack on a human by one of the animals since their self-reintroduction began a few decades ago. Wolves were declared eradicated from Germany in the late 19th century but starting from the first confirmed sighting in 1998, a few packs migrating westward from Poland of their own volition have grown to an estimated 1,100 individuals nationwide.

Preservation laws obviously help too. Case in point being that the lone wolf who bit the IKEA shopper was trapped and Shanghaied to a wildlife rescue center in Lower Saxony, rather than shot dead for being an aggressive son of a bitch who should’ve just growled menacingly at someone willing to subject herself to the nightmarish self-harm of assembling the shitty pressboard furniture.

“Iran’s New Regime President, much less Radicalized and far more intelligent than his predecessors, has just asked the United States of America for a CEASEFIRE! We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages!!!” posted the global leader of the grand international chessboard on Wednesday.

The United Arab Emirates, not exactly a military powerhouse on the Arabian Peninsula, is nevertheless preparing to become an active combatant against Iran in the mission to force open the Strait of Hormuz and is lobbying for a United Nations Security Council resolution to create an international mandate, the Wall Street Journal reports. Kind of tucked in to the article is that there’s a territorial dispute motive in play too in that they’re also seeking to reclaim control of an island called Abu Musa, which is significantly closer to the UAE than Iran but occupied since 1971.

NEW: The Supreme Court is set to hear arguments on President Trump’s birthright citizenship executive order.

Under President Trump’s order, roughly 255,000 children born on U.S. soil each year would start life without U.S. citizenship—about 6% of all projected births. pic.twitter.com/UGpRcfZCG2

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) April 1, 2026

Turns out that National Zero’s sarcastic prediction that “Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will intervene and fire the flight commanders, end the investigation, and award the crews with the Silver Star for valor in combatting wokeness” was only a slight exaggeration as drunken date rapist unsuspended the four crew members of the two Apache attack helicopters that flew by white trash MAGA musician-ish performer Kid Rock’s Tennessee hilltop mansion over the weekend, CBS reports.

“Thank you @KidRock. @USArmy pilots suspension LIFTED. No punishment. No investigation. Carry on, patriots,” Hegseth tweeted on Tuesday, decreeing the “injustice” corrected by his hand.

It’s unprecedented! A new CNN/SSRS poll finds convicted felon President Trump’s economic approval rating at 31 percent and his overall approval at 35 percent! Amazing!

“An Amherst, Mass man has been sentenced in federal court in Springfield, Mass for possessing more than 100,000 files of sexual abuse material (CSAM). Daniel Tocci, 31, was sentenced by US District Court Judge Mark G Mastroianni to four years in prison, to be followed by five years of supervised release. The government recommended a sentence of 70 months in prison. In September 2025, Tocci pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography,” says a DOJ press release.

Reader discretion advised for the redacted parts below. Seriously:

“During a search of Tocci’s Amherst residence in November 2023, it was revealed that Tocci possessed over 100,000 images and videos depicting the sexual abuse of minors. More than 100,000 CSAM files were found saved across five thumb drives and more than 10,000 CSAM files were found on Tocci’s laptop. Some CSAM files portrayed sadistic or masochistic conduct or sexual exploitation of a toddler. Tocci’s laptop also contained extremely disturbing images of violent acts, such as a cat being killed by being put in a blender; a male shooting a female in the head; a dog being beaten to death; severed limbs; as well as images and videos of bestiality. Tocci’s devices also revealed searches related to child sexual abuse, such as ‘countries with legal prostitution under 18.'”

What’s interesting about this is the DOJ’s willingness to include that EXTREMELY graphic and sickening shit and not, you know, why a search warrant had been executed on Tocci or why it took nearly two years to reach this plea. You also have yet to see anything supporting the “MAGA” in the headline and may be wondering if Spartan’s just making (a completely justified) assumption.

Convicted felon President Trump spoke to a Daily Mail reporter on Tuesday and expressed his sympathies to the Noem family for having a medium-twisted weirdo fake boob fetishist for a dad.

“They confirmed it? Wow, well, I feel badly for the family if that’s the case, that’s too bad,” Trump said in a phone call. “I haven’t seen anything. I don’t know anything about it. That’s too bad, but I just know nothing about it,” he continued, disclaiming knowledge as though it’s the kind of thing that he potentially would be implicated in. No one would’ve suspected he knew anything about Byron’s private life until he literally just said three times unprompted that he did not see or know anything.

“The National Trust for Historic Preservation sues me for a Ballroom that is under budget, ahead of schedule, being built at no cost to the Taxpayer, and will be the finest Building of its kind anywhere in the World. I then get sued by them over the renovation of the dilapidated and structurally unsound former Kennedy Center, now, The Trump Kennedy Center (A show of Bipartisan Unity, a Republican and Democrat President!),” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday and just have to stop him there because L-O-fucking-L at him acting like John F Kennedy’s still alive and will be at the ribbon cutting when it doesn’t doesn’t actually reopen before 2029. Holy shit what a moron.

Continued: “where all I am doing is fixing, cleaning, running, and ‘sprucing up’ a terribly maintained, for many years, Building, but a Building of potentially great importance. Yet, The National Trust for Historic Preservation, a Radical Left Group of Lunatics whose funding was stopped by Congress in 2005, is not suing the Federal Reserve for a Building which has been decimated and destroyed, inside and out, by an incompetent and possibly corrupt Fed Chairman. The once magnificent Building is BILLIONS over budget, may never be completed, and may never open.”

“All of the beautiful walls inside have been ripped down, never to be built again, but the National ‘Trust’ for Historic Preservation never did anything about it! Or, have they sued on Governor Gavin Newscum’s ‘RAILROAD TO NOWHERE’ in California that is BILLIONS over Budget and, probably, will never open or be used. So, the White House Ballroom, and The Trump Kennedy Center, which are under budget, ahead of schedule, and will be among the most magnificent Buildings of their kind anywhere in the World, gets sued by a group that was cut off by Government years ago, but all of the many DISASTERS in our Country are left alone to die. Doesn’t make much sense, does it?”

I asked Matt Gaetz What Is the Most Disturbing Alien Finding He Learned In Congress:

Alien 'Breeding Programs' and 'Non-Human Biologics'

"I had someone come and brief me who was in a military uniform, worked for the United States Army, that was briefing me on the locations of… pic.twitter.com/XRIwZTXeIw

— Benny Johnson (@bennyjohnson) March 31, 2026