“Most people will never see what happens behind the secure doors of a county jail. The photo attached shows a pair of handcuffs that were completely twisted and broken by an inmate experiencing significant mental health issues. The inmate was able to force one cuff off through sheer strength and unpredictability – a reminder of the challenges our corrections deputies face every day. Inside a jail, situations can escalate in seconds. In this case, our corrections team acted swiftly and professionally. The inmate was safely restrained, and thankfully, no injuries occurred to the inmate or our deputies. This is the side of corrections work the public rarely sees,” says a Facebook post from the Martin County, Florida Sheriff’s Office that was a bit too long on complaining about how hard the job is and wayyyyyyy too short on the other relevant details.

At least say whether the guy was on meth or bath salts or something for Christ’s sake.

POTUS x JAKE PAUL x TRUMP DANCE

President Trump sits down for an interview with @JakePaul. 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/lCjz3FCGlP

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) March 13, 2026

Just because over the billions of hours aired over the last eight decades of commercial television broadcasts there have been essentially zero documented instances of people suffering from serious psychiatric and neurological conditions that were correct when they believed that shadowy malefactors were speaking directly to them does not mean that one particularly diseased individual is imagining things if he begins to perceive certain messages directed at him personally.

That is if he perceives it. Could just as easily believe it if convicted felon President Trump thinks it’s normal for a Republican candidate locked in a heated primary to be advertising in South Florida, a media market 875 miles away from the jurisdiction in which said primary is being contested.

It’s an old trick with essentially zero downside risk for shadowy malefactor Texas Attorney Ken Paxton so why the hell not right? Medium Buying reports pro-Pax PAC “Lone Star Liberty” have booked the ads to run this weekend in the West Palm Beach media market though the scope, quantity, networks (other than Fox News being a given of course), and so on were not specified.

Secretary of Date Rape Pete Hegseth on Friday ordered US Marine command to move 2,500 troops from Japan to the Middle East in preparation for something, the Wall Street Journal reports.

What a lighthouse in the darkness this guy is, standing up to provide comfort in a time of doubt over the morality of killing 165+ girls aged 7 to 12 while they were in school accidentally during a military campaign the Fox News audience didn’t even really want in the first place. Senator Johnson’s words of wisdom and solace – that can be very easily boiled down to that the ayatollah would probably have killed them anyway eventually so don’t feel so bad – are such a balm for wounded souls.

CENTCOM: “All six crew members aboard a US KC-135 refueling aircraft that went down in western Iraq are now confirmed deceased. The aircraft was lost while flying over friendly airspace March 12 during Operation Epic Fury. The circumstances of the incident are under investigation. However, the loss of the aircraft was not due to hostile fire or friendly fire. The identities of the service members are being withheld until 24 hours after next of kin have been notified.”

Calling into Fox News assclown Brian Kilmeade’s radio show on Friday, convicted felon President Trump told the likely exasperated supplicant that US Navy vessels will provide escort protection to commercial ships and oil tankers through the Strait of Hormuz if “needed,” Reuters reports.

“We would ⁠do it if we needed to. But, you know, hopefully things ​are going ​to go very ​well. We’re going ‌to see what happens,” the fat bastard told Kilmeade, adding “We’re going to be hitting them very hard over the next week.” The Reuters report is very brief and does not link to any audio but they dutifully would have included any follow-up questions from Kilmeade if they were on topic.

And since the next thing he asked was probably something like “what’s your preferred March Madness snack” followed by 177 seconds of Trump talking about how he’s making sure NCAA athletes get paid and how brave Riley Gaines is for nearly getting raped by that man in the swimming pool in front of thousands of people, there were children crying when they watched it, crying real tears, their families too, all of them, there was no need for Reuters to transcribe it.

“Real gross domestic product (GDP) increased at an annual rate of 0.7 percent in the fourth quarter of 2025 (October, November, and December), according to the second estimate released today by the US Bureau of Economic Analysis. In the third quarter, real GDP increased 4.4 percent. The second report for the fourth quarter of 2025, originally scheduled for February 26, 2026, was rescheduled due to the October – November 2025 government shutdown. The contributors to the increase in real GDP in the fourth quarter were increases in consumer spending and investment.”

“These movements were partly offset by decreases in government spending and exports. Imports, which are a subtraction in the calculation of GDP, decreased. Real GDP was revised down 0.7 percentage point from the advance estimate, reflecting downward revisions to exports, consumer spending, government spending, and investment. Imports decreased less than previously estimated,” says the revision report from the Commerce Department’s Bureau of Economic Analysis.

The Nancy Run Fire Company in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania on Thursday posted that at 11:25 am EDT they and other “Northampton County companies were notified to assist Lehigh County Sheriff’s Department with locating a male who fled from officers and entered the Lehigh River following a foot pursuit. Companies deployed divers and water rescue personnel to the scene to begin search operations for the individual. While the search was underway, Fire 14 was alerted to assist with establishing a rehab area for personnel operating on scene. Special Operations 1442 and Utility 1441 responded to Northampton Borough to assist with the incident and support operations.”

Then about six hours later the search for the unidentified warrant subject was called off and first responders departed the scene empty-handed, per WPVI, who do not spell out why in their very brief reporting. Thus it’s easy and fun to speculate that deputies concluded it’s not worth the hassle to arrest a waterlogged corpse snagged on a sunken branch at the bottom of a river when they can just wait a few weeks until the gases generated by natural decomposition provide the buoyancy necessary to float him up to the surface and downstream along the current’s eddies and flows.

Would be nice of the deputies to at least apologize in advance to whatever poor sap fishing for trout has his leisure time interrupted by the corpse’s unexpected arrival at his chosen angling spot. Then he’s stuck having to call police to report it, asked to sit on the hood of a squad car for 90 minutes so he can tell the same story three times, sign a sworn statement testifying to the discovery, and so on while the sun dips low and his downright lovely new Johnny Morris Platinum caster sits idle.

Sometimes the “Fat Hitler” in the headline, an unaffectionate nickname referring of course to you know who, might be fairly seen as kind of hyperbolic, overly dramatic, comically exaggerated, and so on because it’s not like he’s ordered a systemic genocide of 12 million innocent civilians.

Yet. Trump hasn’t done it yet. However Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler have far, far, far more in common than they don’t – including the fact that neither of their fathers were born in Germany.

Also their fathers never truly loved them. That’s a big one too. You can also add now amphetamine abuse psychosis-fueled delusions of total victory over belligerent nations as Axios reports the fat bastard told the leaders of the other G7 nations that Iran is “about to surrender” during a virtual meeting on Wednesday. He then immediately contradicted himself by boasting to the US allies that saince “nobody knows who is the leader, so there is no one that can announce surrender.”

“I got rid of a cancer that was threatening us all,” Trump told the other leaders on the call.

FAIR WARNING: President Trump signals the United States is “totally destroying” Iran "militarily" and "economically," claiming Iran’s navy and air force are “gone” and its missiles and drones are being “decimated.” pic.twitter.com/JNSN9UGdss

— Fox News (@FoxNews) March 13, 2026

“At approximately 2 pm ET on March 12, a US KC-135 refueling aircraft went down in western Iraq. Four of six crew members on board the aircraft have been confirmed deceased as rescue efforts continue. The circumstances of the incident are under investigation. However, the loss of the aircraft was not due to hostile fire or friendly fire. The identities of the service members are being withheld until 24 hours after next of kin have been notified,” said a CENTCOM statement issued Friday.

The grand total of American service members killed for no reason at all this month now stands at 11.

Cops in Albuquerque, New Mexico are still trying to piece together what the hell happened to retired Air Force General William Neil McCasland after he was last seen leaving his home on foot the morning of February 27th, leaving behind his phone, smartwatch, and glasses, but reportedly taking a revolver with him into some not particularly vast or desolate wilderness crisscrossed by well-trafficked jogging, hiking, and biking trails that ring the state’s largest city, NewsNation reports.

McCasland, 68, retired in 2013 and there’s a lot of, um, chatter about certain aspects of his career, specifically alleged connections to military programs and installations linked to extraterrestrial encounters and technology. Put that together with the traceless disappearance in the one state that is to UFOs what Tennessee is to country music and Florida is to bath salts and you’ve got yourself a perfect recipe for a whole lot of good old fashioned just asking questions on the internet. The mystery would be just as vexing without all the maddeningly vague assertions of McCasland’s connections to UFO lore. And yet by far the most “what the fuck” aspect is wife Susan’s statement.

“Bill does not have any special knowledge about the ET bodies and debris from the Roswell crash stored at Wright-Patterson, though at this point, with absolutely no sign of them, maybe the best hypothesis is that aliens beamed them up to the mothership. However, no sightings of a mothership hovering above the Sandia Mountains have been reported,” the possibly widowed woman said.

How come we’re not getting funny Jim Jordan in this interview?

“US Central Command is aware of the loss of a US KC-135 refueling aircraft. The incident occurred in friendly airspace during Operation Epic Fury, and rescue efforts are ongoing. Two aircraft were involved in the incident. One of the aircraft went down in western Iraq, and the second landed safely. This was not due to hostile fire or friendly fire. More information will be made available as the situation develops. We ask for continued patience to gather additional details and provide clarity for the families of service members,” says CENTCOM in a press release on Thursday.

Not having sampled the pieces of fried and sauced chicken flesh from Tennessee chain Wing Guru it’s impossible to speak to the quality of the product, however that founder Billy Richmond Jr was able to expand from one location opened in Memphis 2016 to three in the Volunteer State plus a fourth in Metro Atlanta is a fairly solid indicator of estimable talent at preparing the beloved staple.

One can easily imagine the love, care, and precision that Richmond puts into formulating new sauce combinations, tirelessly perfecting the balance of sweet, sour, spicy, umami, and so on again and again and again from shelves full of different ingredients until the sauce meets his exacting standards for quality – and that’s before BEFORE he even dips it in both bleu cheese and ranch. If neither dressing works then it’s back to the kitchen for more tasting, testing, and stirring.

For whom could claim the honorific of “guru” and truly own it without waking years given to study and practice? Surrender to the wing to become one with it. Then one’s aura becomes the sauce.

Such ramekins of wisdom sadly cannot be filled and dipped from when the subject turns to Richmond’s mastery of tax evasion. In fact he kind of fucking sucks at it, pleading no contest Thursday in a Memphis court to two counts of falsifying state tax revenue and one on theft of property greater than $250,000, per WREG. Other than that quarter million floor and Richmond posting on Facebook that he let things get out of hand from 2018 to 2022, there isn’t really much on the scope of his crimes. But one not need taste the failure to transcend the petty cumbrances of this plane to understand he’s no tax evasion guru. He’s an inertion. A brittle husk. A void of the art.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed down only 740 points, which isn’t that bad then you think about it and, at 46,672 it’s only 3,328 points short of where Attorney General Pam Bondi said the Epstein files don’t matter anymore. Certainly much closer that than zero, libs.

AND at $96.18, oil isn’t at $100 a barrel yet! That’s below a major psychological mark!