Remember this October 2024 video from closeted MAGA grifter Benny Johnson? Wasn’t this awesome graphic design depicting what was actually a shitty, run-down, no-brand gas station in Tampa from which Johnson did not appear to be actually charging $1.84 a gallon from the pumps?

Ah, good times. With that completely unrelated bit of America First nostalgia out of the way, it’s time to get down to the real news: Yahoo Finance News reports that a new JP Morgan client note issued Tuesday warns that the oligarchic megabank’s “commodity team sees a risk of that exceeding $5/gallon if the strait [of Hormuz] remains effectively closed by mid-April.”

Which is considerbaly higher than Benny said it would be by now. Almost triple, actually. Well at least Benny got the “MEAN TWEETS” half of his wish. That “entire civilization” shit was FIRE!!!

Like a lot of Trump 2.0 stories, this one from the Atlantic is a mystery: Was it just simple incompetence that led them to spend $145 million to buy a warehouse on the outskirts of Salt Lake City that had been listed at $92 million? Or was it corruption and that extra $53 million is just a special thanks for helping the Orange God Emperor launder Russian blood money?

There isn’t really a third option here. Either they’re corrupt or they’re stupid.

A Florida woman identified only as Belinda tells WPBF she still would’ve jumped in the water if she knew that the man she rescued from the rough waves off Vero Beach last month is, in all likelihood, a man currently wanted in connection with the shooting deaths of his ex-wife and her new partner.

“I could not leave him in the water no matter what,” Belinda said because well of course she didn’t know at the time and it’s the only way to make peace with the March 24th morning rescue which, upon later police examination of a witnesses’s video, very likely shows 64 year-old Jesse Ellis being dragged out of the surf. Ellis is still on the loose, being sought in the murders of his estranged wife, Stacie Mason, 49, and a coworker thought to be her romantic partner, 56 year-old Danny Ooley.

Both were found shot dead that very morning, like no more than a few hours earlier, and it’s unclear if the cops even had Ellis on their radar by the time Belinda rescued him. So if she’s secretly beating herself up over it then she should consider that part too. And he’ll probably be arrested before he murders anyone else. It’s not like the dude’s a serial killer, just a miserable asshole who killed his victims in a jealous rage. Hopefully for her and of course others’ sake he’ll be caught without any further incident or so much as a shot fired. Would be real swell of fate to let her off nice and easy.

And extra hopefully for her she doesn’t end up smoking a joint on a patio outside of a house party and some assclown friend of friend starts in with “So what if you could like kill Hitler when he was a baby, would you do it?” which of course prompts a closer acquaintance goes “WELL! Belinda here once heard a guy screaming for help…” and then the whole goddamned night is ruined for her.

Weird how one of, if not the most loathsome and nihilistic of Republicans in Congress, Ron “RonAnon” Johnson looks morally adjusted and properly horrified this morning, both in a vacuum and especially so in comparison to his fellow party members in the House, “centrist”-coded worm Mike Lawler among them, who shows up twice in this reel basically stealing Lindsey Graham’s lines.

Of course this doesn’t actually mean that if shit goes really badly and that the choice of whether or not to remove Trump from office comes in front of him that RonAnon will vote against him. Lol, no.

Ugh. The AP reports the Average Duong is getting screwed again by the system as the Vietnamese Communist uniparty elite swampists have selected one of their own – literally the leader of the Vietnamese Communist Party General Secretary, To Lam – to the nation’s presidency.

“The opportunity is obvious. Faster decision-making, greater policy coherence, and a better chance of pushing difficult reforms at a pivotal moment. But the risk is that concentration of power can move faster than institutional reform,” said think tanker Nguyen Khac Giang and, in all seriousness, what the fuck does any of that mean? There was supposed to be a little quip here about how it was incomprehensible and meaningless to the median citizen who lack fluency in policy wonk jargon but that take legitimately was incomprehensible and meaningless. In all likelihood Giang was speaking to some sort of streamlining of how the party operates internally and appoints people to patronage jobs and so on with all the tropes of how these Mickey Mouse Club for Adults-type states work.

Which isn’t actually in tension at all with the headline joke. If anything it actually sort of validates the simplistic stereotypes MAGA clods here invoke – if they’re among those capable of articulating their perception of “the swamp” at least semi-coherently, all while taking pains to avoid accidentally describing the kind of shit their Orange Mao does every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

At least Lam didn’t waste anyone’s time promising to bring down the cost of rice and gas. Not having to be responsive to regular voters means there’s no need to bullshit them to get elected.

“A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will. However, now that we have Complete and Total Regime Change, where different, smarter, and less radicalized minds prevail, maybe something revolutionarily wonderful can happen, WHO KNOWS? We will find out tonight, one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the World. 47 years of extortion, corruption, and death, will finally end. God Bless the Great People of Iran!” posted the former host of the NBC smash hit The Apprentice on Tuesday.

The only mistake he made was forgetting to mention the 8:00 PM EDT primetime slot, which was the scene of more than 47 years of fierce battles fought by ratings juggernauts like Happy Days, Who’s the Boss?, and NCIS. Otherwise it was a 30.0 Nielsens-caliber promo for all top audience demos.

Stellar too, was his lower-key rumblings from the mysterious “Kharg Island” subplot device, as CNN is out with a special behind-the-scenes look into some potentially bombshell new twists. Will the sweaty hunks of the IRGC get voted off the island before Tuesday night’s big opener? Stay tuned!

The experts on committing statute crimes in the Trump Administration are putting their know-how to an innovative strategy for arguing that the war crime they’re planning against Iran starting 8:00 PM EDT on Tuesday (supposedly) isn’t really a war crime: Officials are trying to find power plants that supply some of their output to Iran’s military, thus justifying their inclusion on a list of targets, which Politico writes is “a workaround” against accusations “of war crimes for striking basic infrastructure.”

Former Army JAG Sean Timmons says this is a thing. “Before targets get approved, they have to go under operational legal review. Some civilian infrastructure, if dually used by the military, can under the laws of war be a legitimate target. The concern that people have, that this will get excessive, is legitimate… but there are checks and balances,” Timmons said, and immediately after the expert quote Politico notes that drunken date rapist Pete Hegseth had gutted the offices that conduct those reviews. Plus there was that whole thing where they bombed an elementary school and killed more than 150 little girls on Day One of the war so maybe “excessive” won’t quite be the right word.

Like are they even going to bother saying “Well there’s one IRGC-owned print shop that cranked out recruiting posters saying said ‘The Few. The Fanatic. The Revolutionary Guard Corps’ for their strip mall offices across Iran and it was down the street from that 1,200 MW plant that powered a city of half-million that had no other military infrastructure otherwise but nobody said there was ever any percentage rule here”? Seems like more effort then we’re used to from the crew.

Probably going to be closer to like theoretical, potential military use for the grid. Trump, Hegseth, and all their minions would prefer the flexibility for their half-assed post-hoc justifications.

Under the headline “Exclusive: Maggie Haberman, Jonathan Swan book on Trump, ‘Regime Change,’ coming in June,” Axios co-founder Mike Allen – Swan’s former employer before he jumped ship to the New York Times – basically just shares the link to publisher Simon and Schuster’s marketing copy that hawks the June 23 release as “a landmark real-time history of a modern presidency like no other.” Now that there is some quality sane-washing, ladies and gents – 5/5 euphe-meter stars.

“A Truth Social post last month had Washington and media insiders scratching their heads. Why exactly had President Trump attacked The New York Times’ Maggie Haberman and some of her ‘associates’ – when everyone in the West Wing knew that she and her reporting partner, Jonathan Swan, had been on book leave for months?” Allen writes. like there would’ve been any fucking mystery as to the subject of the book Haberman was working on when Trump posted “Maggot Hagerman, just another SLEAZEBAG writer for The Failing New York Times, insists on writing false stories about me, even though she fully knows and understands that the exact opposite of anything she says is usually the truth. In any event, I’m thinking of adding Maggot, and some of her ‘associates,’ into my Florida based Lawsuit against The Times which, very happily, seems to be proceeding nicely” during a typical Saturday afternoon Truth Social tantrum – three days before she and Swan privately interviewed Trump for more than an hour in the Oval Office, according to Allen.

Still, just in case you thought they might’ve been working on a new Star Wars sequel novel, here’s the marketing campaign for “Regime Change,” via Axios, who do not print anything resembling an actual excerpt from the insider account. It also appears Allen effed up and forgot to put an affiliate parameter in the URL, screwing the website out of untold thousands of dollars in commissions.

Trump (Again) Roasts Autopen Biden While Signing Autographs for Kids pic.twitter.com/A1jWoTI3Dg

— Breitbart News (@BreitbartNews) April 7, 2026

Things got real awkward real fast last week at a public meeting of the Washington County, Tennessee School Board when an unidentified minor – who was somehow a guest member of the board made a presentation from the dais – finished a presentation on the county schools and was side-hugged by Epstein Party member Keith Ervin who, tried and true to his politics, then said, more than loudly enough, “God, you’re hot, you know that? Where do you go to school at?” per WCYB.

“In all honesty, it certainly was an uncomfortable situation. You know, there’s a lot of nervousness in the room,” said Superintendent Jerry Boyd. At least nobody exacerbated that tension by standing up and calling Ervin a fucking creep and/or saying “THIS IS WHY THE LIBS THINK WE’RE PEDOPHILES!”

In a statement Board Chair Annette Buchanan announced “On Thursday, April 2, 2026, one of our colleagues, Keith Ervin, made a grossly inappropriate comment toward our student board member. Mr Ervin has explained that he meant nothing offensive and that we have simply misunderstood his intentions. Mr Ervin knows his own intentions, but the rest of us have to judge his words and his actions. What we saw was shocking. He objectified and diminished a young woman publicly. No explanation can justify that. I have called an emergency meeting of the Washington County Board of Education for Wednesday, April 8, 2026, at 4:00 pm to address this matter. I anticipate that the board will consider and approve a motion to censure Mr Ervin for his comments.”

In a statement on Tuesday, the Israeli Defense Forces announced their jets “struck a petrochemical facility where nitric acid was produced for the Iranian terror regime’s Armed Forces” in the southern Iranian city of Shiraz, Al-Jazeera reports without mentioning potential collateral damage.

“The facility was one of the last remaining compounds producing critical chemical components for explosives and materials for developing ballistic missiles in Iran,” the IDF claimed.

Minnesota state House Republicans Elliott Engen – the assclown who accused Dems of being drunk at the wheel in the figurative sense months before he was arrested for being drunk at the wheel in the literal sense – and Walter Hudson – who was carrying a gun while also hammered when Engen was supposed to be designated driving for him – have been removed from the judiciary, education finance, and – appropriately – public safety committees by Republican state House Speaker Lisa Demuth as punishment for the moronic and embarrassing incident, the Minnesota Reformer reports.

Hudson – not be confused with the world-famous superobese Long Islander of the same name whose 1,125 lbs corpse had to be removed from his home by a forklift after his death in 1991 – would have been arrested too had the cops bothered to administer a field sobriety test on him during the 1:51 AM March 27 traffic stop as carrying a firearm while intoxicated is a misdemeanor in the state, but the officers simply confiscated the 9mm pistol. The two had been spotted day-drinking in a bar during the Twins’ opening day game and likely were at the very least buzzed during an evening session in the chamber, after which they hit the bars again and then were pulled over by the cops.

The 2026 session lasts only another few weeks so the impact of the two’s replacements on each of the committees they formerly served is likely to be more or less null. More salient is the possible damage to Engen’s campaign for Minnesota State Auditor considering the whole line about Dems being “drunk at the wheel in protecting taxpayer dollars from systemic fraud” might need retooling.

While the name Gladden Pappin sounds like a character from some lazy ripoff of Dickens, he is in fact a real person and really does serve as a top outside advisor to neckbearded Vice President JD Vance. According to the Atlantic, the Harvard-educated Catholic extremist Pappin believes some not very realistic shit, specifically that convicted felon President Trump will dissolve Congress and then the Pope will coronate Third Lady Melania Trump as queen of the United States of America.

It makes sense in the historical context of Pope Leo III coronating Charlemagne as Carolingian/Holy Roman Emperor in 800 AD and then subsequent pontiffs conferred upon later monarchs and other medieval rulers in that kingdom and elsewhere in Europe. And also as the kind of logic underpinning the liquor-fueled ravings of a fascist nerd during what a source described as a 2018 meeting of the Intercollegiate Studies Institute at which Pappin expressed as a certainty – that then-Pope Francis would elevate the Catholic-raised former illegal immigrant “artistic” porn performer as the divinely righteous absolute sovereign of the United States – rather than an aspirational hope kind of thing.

“This is what will happen,” said Pappin, according to Jeff Polet, the director of the Ford Leadership Forum at the Gerald R Ford Presidential Foundation, confirming independently what the Atlantic’s Isaac Stanley-Becker had previously heard from others about Pappin’s gushy daydreams of Melania Regina I, Dei Gratia Regnorum Americae et Terrarum Ceterarum Regina, Fidei Defensor.

A barrel of West Texas Intermediate crude oil sank down to $110.92 a barrel as of this printing on what CNBC reports are “investors awaiting possible Iran and US ceasefire,” a little over 24 hours after convicted felon President Trump had threatened to destroy every bridge and power plant in the country and that “there will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH!” and then, for reasons still unclear, added “Praise be to Allah!”

So no, it doesn’t seem as though markets really know what’s going on with Trump and Iran.

The CEOs of delivery bot manufacturers Serve Robotics, Starship Technologies, and Coco Robotics tell Business Insider that people who encounter their automated couriers on sidewalks have not been nearly as abusive or violent toward the units as they had expected prior to launch.

Coco CEO Zach Rash said his initial fears of the bots being piled up like trashed Bird rental scooters were mitigated by the design of his company’s units being more “like R2-D2 instead of C-3PO,” and contrasting the neurotic, effete humanoid translator droid who doesn’t shut the hell up with the more useful trash-can shaped Dell tower on wheels who speaks only in tonal beeps and chirps. “C-3PO is a little annoying and gets stuck all the time. No one really knows what R2-D2 is supposed to do, but it is constantly fixing all the problems and being super useful and enjoyable,” said Rash.

So yeah, the robots are designed to look more infantile and sympathetic to prompt passerby to help them if a wheel gets snagged on uneven pavement. “If the robot’s stuck somewhere, it looks sad and people run over and help it,” said Rash. Serve CEO Ali Kashani said that his company last year added a routine to have their “Mingo” delivery bots ask other pedestrians to press the crosswalk button for it to help speed up delivery times. Los Angeles TikToker Will Gude documented an occurrence of this – and him telling “Mango” to “fuck you, press it yourself” and “you want me to do your job for you?” – only for other users to urge him to be nicer to the “baby” in the replies.

“I’ll get these messages telling me that I’m a punk for going after a robot, challenging me to fight, or that they’re going to kick my ass and they’re dead serious,” Gude told Business Insider.

This is a satanic administration. We all realize that satanic Zionists occupy the White House and Congress needs to move to have the Mad King Trump removed.
All of our lives may depend upon other countries realizing that Trump is deeply unwell and surrounded by religious…

— Candace Owens (@RealCandaceO) April 5, 2026

“All of our lives may depend upon other countries realizing that Trump is deeply unwell and surrounded by religious fanatics who have convinced him that he is a messiah. We are in uncharted territory. Leaders worldwide need to act accordingly,” continued Candace after the cutoff.