While you wait for the emissary of the Orange Satan to emerge from her lair, enjoy this batshittery from the Bulbous Baal himself: “I am so proud of our ICE Patriots! They were unfairly maligned by the Lunatic Democrats for years, and now, at the Airports, in addition to what they are supposed to be doing, they are helping people with bags, even picking up and cleaning areas. They are so proud to be there! The fact is, they shouldn’t have to do this, but they are rehabbing a fake image given to them by Radical Left Democrat politicians. The Public is loving ICE, so the Democrats, unwittingly, did us a favor – They are Great American Patriots, they just happen to have much larger, and harder, muscles than most – which is what they’re supposed to have. Thank you to ICE for the GREAT job you are doing. America very much appreciates it!” emphasis on the hard muscles part.

You were all on the edge of your seats for centuries over what the fuck exactly happened to the skeleton of Charles de Batz de Castelmore d’Artagnan – aka the Fourth Musketeer – and now the BBC reports that researchers are oh so tantalizingly close to nailing down that the bones under the altar of St Peter and Paul Church in Maastricht are indeed D’Artagnan’s. The French adventurer is believed to have been killed during the 1673 siege of the city, possibly by some lowly peasant piker.

“I’m a scientist, but my expectations are high,” Wim Dijkman told local public broadcaster Omroep Limburg about the discovery, adding that it’s just a matter of DNA testing confirming his priors. “I’ve already been researching d’Artagnan’s grave for 28 years. This could be the highlight of my career.”

“Blame the Democrats for the Airport’s mess. They want our Country to do badly. They want our Country to fail. They broke the already signed Bill because they want to take care of Criminals who enter our Country illegally, rather than American citizens. Thank you to our great ICE Patriots for helping. It makes a big difference. I may call up the National Guard for more help,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday, attempting to disclaim a previous position on the matter.

One that he literally put in writing on Monday night, posting “I don’t think we should make any deal with the Crazy, Country Destroying, Radical Left Democrats unless, and until, they Vote with Republicans to pass ‘THE SAVE AMERICA ACT.’ It is far more important than anything else we are doing in the Senate…” and then on camera in the Oval Office on Tuesday.

Fox News reporter Chad Pergram disobeyed his directives and did not unquestioningly accept Speaker Mike Johnson’s version of events with respect to whether convicted felon President Trump is on board with a plan to unfuck DHS and TSA, with Johnson trying to make it seem like it’s a “reportedly” kind of thing and Pergram reminding Johnson that no, Trump said it live on TV Tuesday.

Convicted felon President Trump and his top tech-world sack-licker David Sacks have named Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, Oracle Larry Ellison, and Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang to a tech council to weigh in on AI and other issues like how to loot taxpayer money, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Iran’s semi-official FARS News Agency on Wednesday announced, per CNBC, that the regime “does not accept a ceasefire,” and “basically, it is not logical to enter into such a process with those who violate the agreement,” further calling into question whether it was a good idea for convicted felon President Trump to start this war when he has no “exit ramp” that will let him act like he won.

In a follow-up that completely tracks with their story from last year that Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard had sought to turn the daily presidential briefing into a Fox News-like broadcast – literally hiring a Fox producer to edit it and newsman Bret Baier to anchor it – so convicted felon President Trump would actually pay attention to nationally important shit, NBC News reports that US military officials compile a reel of what one source describes as “stuff blowing up” to serve as the daily presidential briefing on the progress of his directionless war in Iran.

The problem, and there’s always a problem, is that the explosion compilation widens the delta between how the fat fucking idiot thinks the war is going and the reality of it, and drives his frustrations with how the media is covering it because reality. Asked to comment on that part, White House propagandist Karoline Leavitt said “Trust in the mainstream media is at an all-time low and their overwhelming negative and biased coverage of Operation Fury, which has been a massive success, proves why the president is rightfully frustrated. The media spends more time using fake anonymous sources to sow chaos than focus on the successes and victories of our great US military against the Iranian regime,” but leaving out the part about how the regime hasn’t been “changed.”

House Judiciary ranking Dem Jamie Raskin obtained memos from former Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s investigation into convicted felon President Trump indicating that the fat bastard had financial incentives to steal classified documents from the White House following his humiliating defeat in the 2020 election, MS Now reports with another reminder of system failure.

“These new disclosures suggest that Donald Trump stole documents so sensitive that only six people in the entire US government had access to them, that the documents President Trump stole pertained to his business interests,” Raskin wrote in a Tuesday letter to incompetent scumbag Attorney General Pam Bondi. “This glimpse into the trove of evidence behind the coverup reveals a President of the United States who may have sold out our national security to enrich himself.”

THREAD: (1/13) A foreign-linked influence network has been running coordinated operations against the Trump administration for 22 months. I know it's real because they ran one against me. I was targeted in something I knew was far from organic. This level of media is isolating,…

— Alexis Wilkins (@AlexisWilkins) March 24, 2026

It’s hard to follow and not worth trying to, but in summary K$H Patel’s stupid girlfriend came out guns blazing against Mike Flynn, Tucker Carlson, Joe Kent, and Candace Owens on Tuesday.

Democrat Emily Gregory defeated convicted felon President Trump’s endorsed candidate Jon Maples in the Tuesday special election for the state’s 87th State House District, CNN projects.

So yeah now that’s three endorsee losses for the fat fuck. Orban would be a nice fourth.

Highly Respected Prime Minister of Hungary, Viktor Orbán, is a truly strong and powerful Leader, with a proven track record of delivering phenomenal results. He fights tirelessly for, and loves, his Great Country and People, just like I do for the United States of America. Viktor works hard to Protect Hungary, Grow the Economy, Create Jobs, Promote Trade, Stop Illegal Immigration, and Ensure LAW AND ORDER! Relations between Hungary and the United States have reached new heights of cooperation and spectacular achievement under my Administration, thanks largely to Prime Minister Orbán. I look forward to continuing working closely with him so that both of our Countries can further advance this tremendous path to SUCCESS and cooperation.”

“I was proud to ENDORSE Viktor for Re-Election in 2022, and am honored to do so again. Election Day is April 12, 2026. Hungary: GET OUT AND VOTE FOR VIKTOR ORBÁN. He is a true friend, fighter, and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election as Prime Minister of Hungary — VIKTOR ORBÁN WILL NEVER LET THE GREAT PEOPLE OF HUNGARY DOWN. I AM WITH HIM ALL THE WAY!” posted convicted felon President Trump on his shitty Twitter knockoff Tuesday.

Huh. So yeah this is indeed the third such post this year and what might have prompted it specifically is unclear – though in general there’s no question that Orban is panicking and thinks that since the first two from a foreign leader didn’t seem to nudge the polls then maybe the third would somehow work. They didn’t try auto-translating it to Hungarian though. Why not give that a shot?

Former CIA Director John Brennan, who convicted felon President Trump hates for reasons nobody can even remember anymore it’s been so goddamned long, is under criminal investigation, Punchbowl’s Jake Sherman reports after deducing it from a DOJ request to the House Intel Committee for files on Brennan – that the committee are currently voting on whether to oblige.

Maybe prosecuting Brennan will somehow make gas and groceries cheaper. You never know.

Complete scumbag North Carolina state Senate President Phil Berger on Tuesday conceded his primary defeat to local Sheriff Sam Page, three weeks after having lost by just 23 votes, the Associated Press reports on convicted felon President Trump’s first endorsement L of the year.

Well technically you could say soon-to-be-former-Texas Congressman Tony Gonzales was the first loss since he dropped his reelection bid after coming in second to that Brandon Herrera freak on the same day but polls did close first in North Carolina given the time zone difference. Plus had Gonzales not dropped out he would’ve just (99.99999 percent certainly) lost in the May runoff.

A top lieutenant to DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro this month admitted to a judge that there was no evidence of any misconduct on the part of Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, the Washington Post reports in a no shit but they aren’t supposed to actually say that story.

GA Massucco-LaTaif, the recently-named head of the office’s criminal division, told Chief DC District Judge James Boasberg in the sealed March 3rd hearing that prosecutors “do not know at this time” what evidence there is of fraud or criminal misconduct on Powell’s part in the painfully fucking stupid shit about renovations at the Fed headquarters that the chair has had little to nothing to do with since it’s not his goddamned job to worry about that kind of shit. Massucco-LaTaif argued simply that the project was $1.2 billion over budget and that “it doesn’t seem right.”

“There are 1.2 billion reasons for us to look into it,” Massucco-LaTaif, who also had more feels than facts about whether Powell had made false statements in testimony to Congress.

Well maybe they can get to it next year. WFTV reports the Florida legislature’s annual session ended before they could enact a ban on “OH-7,” a synthetic opioid derived from kratom, which itself is some crazy bullshit they sell at sketchy gas stations frequented by MAGAmericans.

Well… There was that time when Andrew Tate was so triggered by a tweet from Greta Thunberg he responded in a video next to a pizza box that provided the evidence Romanian cops needed to track him down and serve that sex-trafficking arrest warrant. You could say that was a bigger self-own if we’re going to start stacking them up pound-for-pound here. This one’s still serious competition.

Filthy alcoholic white nationalist Steve Bannon on Monday got amped again for the possibility the Trump regime could deploy ICE to polling precincts in November, USA Today reports.

During Monday’s edition of his podcast the laundry and showering-averse Bannon asked fellow fascist maniac Mike Davis whether ICE’s deployment to airports could be a “test run” for the midterms, to which Davis said “I think we should have ICE agents at the polling places because if you’re an illegal alien, you can’t vote, right? It’s against the law, it’s a federal crime for you to vote in federal elections. If you’re an American citizen, you should be happy that ICE is there because you’re not going to have illegal aliens canceling out your vote.” That’s a way to smooth out the drop in support from the Latino electorate, just accuse them of being illegals stupid enough to try to vote.

In a statement to the Atlanta Journal Constitution on Tuesday, Delta Airlines announced “Due to the impact on resources from the longstanding government shutdown, Delta will temporarily suspend specialty services to members of Congress flying Delta. Next to safety, Delta’s No 1 priority is taking care of our customers, which has become increasingly difficult in the current environment.”