Three elderly men and a child were killed by an Israeli drone strike in Gaza for who knows what goddamned reason on Thursday, Al-Jazeera reports on another war that Trump did not actually end.

Republican Senator Susan Collins tells NewsCenter Maine she has “an extremely common condition that is called a benign essential tremor. I have had it for the entire time that I have served in the United States Senate. It has absolutely no impact on my ability to do my job or on how I feel each day,” which sucks and isn’t the best thing to come out during a particularly tough election year.

“If you talk to anybody in Washington, they will tell you that I am the hardest working person that they have ever worked with, and the fact is I’ve never missed a single vote in all the time that I’ve been honored to represent the people of Maine. I think that’s pretty good evidence of the fact that I am blessed with great health,” Collins continued with all the reasons for non-concern.

Continuing his moronic feud with Pope Leo XVI on Wednesday, convicted felon President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that “Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon” and that Leo “seems to be saying that they can, but they cannot.” Trump then emphasized that oil at $200 a barrel would be worth it if his now-completely unattainable goal of preventing Iran nuclearization is not achieved.

FBI agents on Wednesday executed a search warrant on Virginia State Senate President Louise Lucas’s offices in what Fox News reports is a “major corruption investigation,” coming just weeks after Lucas spearheaded the gerrymander killing four GOP-held congressional districts in the state.

Founder of fake news propaganda network CNN Ted Turner is dead at 87, the biased, hateful, leftist incitement factory reports. Turner also founded WCW, a failed rival to the WWE.

In a leak to MS Now coming from inside the FBI, binge-drinking Director K$H Patel is ordering agents to find out who inside the FBI leaked to the Atlantic’s Sarah Fitzpatrick the details of last month’s deeply-reported story about his drinking habits, after which the paranoid man promptly filed a $250 million defamation suit against the magazine claiming they lied about him. “Print it, all false, I’ll see you in court – bring your checkbook,” K$H was quoted in the account detailing his “conspicuous inebriation and unexplained absences” – and that on at least one occasion his personal security detail had to bash through the door of his hotel room to wake him up after a night of partying.

MS Now’s source, who was probably one of Fitzpatrick’s sources, said the Huntsville, Alabama-based agents assigned to the Nixonian witch hunt “know they are not supposed to do this. But if they don’t go forward, they could lose their jobs. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”

Also not great for his lawyers working the defamation lawsuit. Might ruin their case.

VP Vance says people are getting rich by defrauding "every single person in this room."

"They were taking money that should go to America's low-income families, to America's elderly, to people who are struggling in our communities."

"They were stealing it out of their pocket… pic.twitter.com/SaZbrAfYBc

— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 5, 2026

“Assuming Iran agrees to give what has been agreed to, which is, perhaps, a big assumption, the already legendary Epic Fury will be at an end, and the highly effective Blockade will allow the Hormuz Strait to be OPEN TO ALL, including Iran. If they don’t agree, the bombing starts, and it will be, sadly, at a much higher level and intensity than it was before,” posted Supreme Leader Donald Trump on Wednesday, unable to decide if he already won or wants more death and ruin.

Prior to that he also daydreamed of the future grandeur of his Ceausescu-esque reception hall for his palace, writing “The White House Ballroom is going up rapidly on the East side of the White House. The only reason the cost has changed is because, after deep rooted studies, it is approximately twice the size, and a far higher quality, than the original proposal, which would not have been adequate to handle the necessary events, meetings, and even future Inaugurations. The original price was 200 Million Dollars, the double sized, highest quality completed project will be something less than 400 Million Dollars. It will be magnificent, safe, and secure! This was a necessary change, it was done long ago, but the Fake News failed to report it, trying to make it look like there was a cost overrun. Actually, it is coming in ahead of schedule, and under budget!”

A new round of findings from the Washington Post/ABC News national survey conducted late last month shows that the now-deleted Truth Social AI slop of convicted felon President Trump depicting himself as “Doctor Jesus” and healing a terminally ill patient faces dismally low approval ratings among respondents: Just 9 percent approved to 87 percent who disapproved, reaching only 18 percent approval to 79 percent disapproval among self-identified Republican respondents.

The low approval ratings, even among his own party, signal serious work to be done for administration comms staff intent on improving public perception of Trump’s miraculous healing powers, possibly even requiring a public demonstration of the skill in full view of television cameras.

Oily Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick will sit for a deposition with House Oversight on Wednesday to reconcile his stories about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, CBS News reports.

https://x.com/WSJ/status/2051954806877573228

MAGA bro Vivek “Da Vek” Ramaswamy has defeated MAGAsurgent Casey Putsch in the Ohio GOP gubernatorial primary, the Associated Press projects. Vek will face Dem Dr Amy Acton in November.

“Based on the request of Pakistan and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed,” posted gramps on Tuesday.

Who the fuck voted for this slob anyway? Can’t even trust him to make instant ramen noodles.

“A Nashua resident and federal employee was charged by criminal complaint in federal court on Friday, May 1, 2026, for interstate communication of a threat against the President, US Attorney Erin Creegan announces. He was arrested yesterday and appears before the court today. Dean DelleChiaie, age 35, an employee of the Federal Aviation Administration, allegedly conducted various internet searches on his government work computer in late January, like how to get a gun into a federal facility, previous assassination attempts against the President, the percentage of the population that wants the President dead, and the phrase ‘I am going to kill Donald John Trump.'”

“According to the complaint, the United States Secret Service interviewed DelleChiaie in early February where he admitted to conducting those searches on his work computer and to owning three firearms, including a handgun he kept inside a safe at his home. On April 21, 2026, DelleChiaie allegedly used his personal email to transmit a threat across state lines to the White House’s public facing email address. In the email, which had as the subject ‘Contact the President,’ DelleChiaie stated, ‘I, Dean DelleChiaie, am going neutralize/kill you – Donald John Trump – because you decided to kill kids – and say that it was War – when in reality – it is terrorism. God knows your actions and where you belong,'” says a Justice Department press release underscoring the failure of the early 2025 DEI purge at the FAA following the Potomac collision between a passenger jet and an Army Blackhawk that was Biden’s fault somehow. How the fuck did Sean Duffy fail to find this guy?

Convicted felon President Trump will on Tuesday sign an order reviving the Presidential Fitness Test Award, Bloomberg reports without so much as a wink at the undead soul of irony.

Let alone two – the first being the lazy slob wants to impose physical fitness requirements on American schoolkids that he could not achieve, though he will absolutely claim he can. Then there’s the overall, generalized sense of “fitness” beyond physicality which no, not even close.

According to an article batshit maniac Laura Loomer printed on her lame website in December and reposted this morning, the main challenger to Trump-endorsed tech bro douche Vivek “Da Vek” Ramaswamy in Tuesday’s Ohio GOP gubernatorial primary is a Tuck Carlson-backed more MAGA-than-Trump-type named Casey Putsch. Loomer’s prooooobably overstating the danger from the dude she freaked out at for having tweeted “Donald J Trump… allegedly been giving BJs to old Bubba and super pals with Jeffrey Epstein and covering up the biggest and most evil child sex trafficking ring…” and replying “I agree… Hell has frozen over” to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez calling for Trump to be impeached for bombing Iran last year. God forbid there be some iconoclasm in the GOP.

Anyway it’ll be a real kampf for Putsch against Ramaswamy, who is Aryan. Like the original kind of Aryan, not the Nazi kind. Putsch just doesn’t have the same level of name ID among the volk.

Still there might be one solid vote for Putsch in the Columbus area: There is literally a couple with the surname Hitler, two of just eight nationwide – three of the other six their collage-aged kids – on VoterRecords.com to have public records showing them to not have just changed it to Hutter or Hitland or something close but also innocuous. Yes, both of the parents are registered Republicans.

The Bureau of Economic Analysis’s March trade report finds US exports at “$320.9 billion, $6.2 billion more than February exports. March imports were $381.2 billion, $8.7 billion more than February imports. The March increase in the goods and services deficit reflected an increase in the goods deficit of $4.1 billion to $88.7 billion and an increase in the services surplus of $1.6 billion to $28.4 billion. Year-to-date, the goods and services deficit decreased $211.2 billion, or 55.0 percent, from the same period in 2025. Exports increased $100.2 billion or 12.0 percent. Imports decreased $111.0 billion or 9.1 percent. The average goods and services deficit decreased $4.2 billion to $57.6 billion for the three months ending in March,” and damn if that doesn’t look like another Trump failure given his moronic fixation on the trade deficit as inherently a bad thing.

Editor’s note: The joke about “General Tendies” does not require explanation.

In a stark warning to Iran of what happens to boats that annoy the Trump Administration, US Navy forces blew up a boat in the Carribbean on Monday, killing two and wordlessly sending the message of what’s theoretically possible to do to Tehran’s naval forces, the AP reports.