US Army officials tell ABC News they’ve grounded the four crew members of the two Apache attack helicopters that flew by white trash MAGA musician-ish performer Kid Rock’s Tennessee hilltop mansion over the weekend so he could salute them for an obnoxious social media stunt video.

“This is a level of respect that shit for brains Governor of California will never know. God Bless America and all those who have made the ultimate sacrifice to defend her 🇺🇸🙏🏻” wrote the pro-statutory rape lyricist of the respect the aviators showed for him instead over the thrice-elected governor of the world’s 6th largest economy – who also commands a state Air National Guard wing.

It’s not clear when Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will intervene and fire the flight commanders, end the investigation, and award the crews with the Silver Star for valor in combatting wokeness.

Kristi Noem weighs in on report husband lives cross-dressing double life: 'The family was blindsided by this' https://t.co/UOis9YJGLw pic.twitter.com/b7Ohxk2VcQ

— New York Post (@nypost) March 31, 2026

In an “exclusive” responding to the Bryon Noem embarrassment printed by the Daily Mail on Tuesday, the New York Post quotes a statement from “representatives” of the dog-murdering former Homeland Security Secretary, reading “Ms Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this, and they ask for privacy and prayers at the time,” and goddamn is there a lot to work with there.

First off, assume it’s 100 percent sincere and accurate – a heavy lift, sure. But lift you must and read it carefully. VERY carefully. “Ms Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this.” Note how “Ms Noem” and “the family” are two distinct parties here. One is “devastated,” the other “blindsided” as in surprised, which very easily could be interpreted as “Kristi knew, she’s devastated the Daily Mail published the pics of her husband cross-dressing and wearing fake boobs, and she never sat her kids down to tell them their dad has issues so it’s better they find out from her first and not the stupid Daily Mail. So yeah they’re ‘blindsided’ because for so long they thought that only one of their parents was a twisted amoral freak with no respect for the sanctity of their marriage, not both.”

Then there’s the “they ask for privacy and prayers at the time.” Yeah, pray for the kids that Corey Lewandowski just spends the next few days at a strip club in Pierre and doesn’t intrude upon their privacy. Pray he only texts Byron just to ask which sites have the best “bimbofication” vids.

Recently-fired FBI agents Jamie Garman, Blaire Toleman, and Michelle Ball on Tuesday filed a federal lawsuit against incompetent Trump toadies Pam Bondi and K$H Patel whilst also seeking to secure class status for themselves and others canned in revenge for simply following orders and investigating the Orange God Emperor’s endless crime spree, pulling no punches in the intro:

“Defendants’ antagonism to the career FBI civil service is not newfound. Over the past five years, Defendants Patel and Bondi were personally embroiled, as fact witnesses or attorneys representing adverse parties, in investigations brought by the FBI, through the FBI’s career employees. And now, by virtue of presidential appointment to the pinnacle of federal law enforcement, Defendants are abusing their positions to claim victories that eluded them on the merits. Defendants’ mission – in their own words – is retribution. They began their terms of office by compiling lists of FBI employees whom they perceived to be ‘enemies’ – due to assigned investigative work, private comments, personal friendships, immutable characteristic, or other absurd measure – and publicly initiating mass firings on a rolling basis, without due process. The firings were timed to drive headlines and curry favor with political supporters. For Plaintiffs Jamie Garman, Blaire Toleman, and Michelle Ball, and for many members of the proposed class, the first time their names entered the public consciousness was when a senior government official falsely accused them on television or social media of being corrupt, biased, or unethical for doing the lawful work that they were assigned.”

In the “Tectonic Summary” section of a US Geological Survey page on the 3.9 magnitude earthquake that struck the Gulf of Mexico’s seafloor about 200 miles from the outermost mudflats of Louisiana’s river delta lands on Sunday night, a seismologist with the agency puts the gulf’s temporary name right up front with “This earthquake occurred beneath the Gulf of America, far from the nearest active plate boundary. Such intraplate (mid-plate) earthquakes are infrequent compared to those that occur along plate-boundary faults and likely reflect the release of long-term tectonic stresses ultimately generated at the plate margins. This event is among the largest of more than a dozen earthquakes instrumentally recorded in the eastern Gulf of America over the past five decades.”

“The largest significant earthquake in the region occurred on September 10, 2006, with a magnitude of 5.9. No specific causative fault has been identified for this recent earthquake,” the summary continued and no, there’s no chance of that “specific causative fault” or faults ever generating a tsunami let alone one that would ever do any more damage than a hurricane storm surge.

The real issue here is, as mentioned, some kid who grew up fascinated by earthquakes, studying really hard, having to learn the names and compositions of sedimentary rocks and other boring substrates that have nothing to do with seismology, landing a dream opportunity with the premier government geological agency on the planet, putting in the hours and working their way up the ladder by compiling these summaries of events – and then having to write “Gulf of America” instead of “Mexico” by some political appointee who may or may not have dropped out of college and then became an anti-“cancel culture” podcaster. That the real work of monitoring and examining the moods and intemperance of the merciless orb under our feet has been infected by the mindless impulses of the plague of red-hatted locusts that claim it their dominion. May the Earth inherit them.

You always knew there had to be some reason that dog-murdering now-former Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem and her inveterate scumbag majordomo Corey Lewandowski – both married – plainly didn’t give a shit that everyone knew about their affair. On Kristi’s end at least.

Can’t speak for whichever poor woman still calls Lewandowski her husband but maybe she’s just doing her own thing and far more conventionally so than Byron Noem with his, um, predilections.

Trashy British rag the Daily Mail obtained multiple such photos and their reporting paints the larger picture of a lonely and deeply misunderstood individual who regularly interacts with whom the Mail writes are “three women from the ‘bimbofication’ scene – where porn performers transform themselves into real-life Barbie dolls by pumping colossal amounts of saline into their breasts.”

Notice how they didn’t say “face” because Byron’s kink is for unnatural enhancements to the body, not where his wife has had similarly blatantly obvious work done. Lots and lots and lots of it.

Anyway the Mail also raises that Bryon’s kink was a national security risk because someone could have blackmailed Kristi with these photos. Unraised is the distinct probability that someone in the government was already blackmailing her with these photos and now that she’s out there’s no more value left other than to dump them on these eager whelps and embarrass Byron and Kristi anyway.

Specifically mentioning Apple, Google, Tesla, Microsoft, Intel, Oracle, IBM, Meta, Nvidia, and Boeing, among others, Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps on Tuesday threatened to destroy the assets of the companies within missile or drone range starting Wednesday if the IRGC suffers any further senior command officer losses in strikes, according to MAGA-coded Twitter account Breaking911.

Doesn’t seem like markets are reacting yet, but wait to see if it percolates at all.

Incredibly lucky to have caught the President of the United States while he had a rare free moment amid all his tireless efforts to secure victory for the United States over Iran while also overseeing an historic addition to the White House complex, CBS News’s Weijia Jiang on Tuesday called Donald Trump and was able to ask him to clarify whether he really meant to surrender the Strait of Hormuz to Iranian control as he suggested in an earlier post on his personal social media platform.

The president reiterated to Jiang his earlier call for US allies to “build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT” but said he wasn’t ready to pull American troops out of the fight. “At some point I will, not quite yet. But countries have to come in and take care of it. Iran has been decimated, but they’re going to have to come in and do their own work,” Trump told Jiang.

Trump then added that “there’s no real threat” in the Strait of Hormuz. “I’ll be there, but if they’re having a hard time getting oil, let them come and take it like they’re supposed to,” Trump continued, his use of the first person evidently suggesting he personally would fly to the Middle East conflict zone to lead the US armed forces into battle. “Let them come up and take it. They didn’t want to give a hand to anybody. NATO is terrible, and they’re all terrible. So if they want oil, come up and grab it. There’s no real threat, there’s no substantial threat because [Iran] has been decimated.”

“Let them come up and take it. It’s about time they did something for themselves,” the two-time US president concluded his message that a secure shipping lane in the Strait of Hormuz already exists so European navies should go and be ready to exchange fire with Iranian vessels and gun batteries.

What a courageous man, expressing a willingness to put the Republican majorities in Congress on the line because of voters suffering inflation if it means that Americans can live free from the vague, hypothetical, imminent-or-not-so-imminent-depends-on-who-you-ask threat of a belligerent Iran.

Such selfless and noble sacrifice for the good of that similarly contingent return to economic prosperity that will, as Maria Bartiromo mentioned at the end of this bit from Texas MAGA Congressman Ronny “Dr Feelgood” Jackson, come as soon as the war is over which will “hopefully” be soon. Whenever the commander-in-chief decides to declare victory or extra super victory.

British monarch King Charles III’s staff on Tuesday confirmed his majesty will be headed to the United States next month at convicted felon President Trump’s invitation, CNN reports without mentioning Donald’s taunting shitpost against Albion from this morning. There are still plenty of UK lawmakers questioning whether traveling is a smart idea right now after Trump unilaterally destabilized global security and economic growth with his deranged decision to attack Iran while simultaneously being unwilling to commit to containing the threat they pose to oil supplies.

And yet Buckingham Palace confirmed Charles and Queen Camilla’s acceptance with “Their Majesties’ programme will celebrate the historic connections and modern bilateral relationship between the United Kingdom and the United States, marking the 250th anniversary of American Independence.” Kind of odd to invoke one of the worst defeats Britain ever suffered, but whatever.

“COVID-19 continues to evolve, and new variants remain part of that cycle. The latest variant gaining attention is officially known as SARS-CoV-2 Variant BA.3.2, or more commonly called the ‘Cicada’ variant. Like other recent subvariants, such as Nimbus and Stratus, BA.3.2 is part of the ongoing evolution of the virus, with mutations that may influence how easily it spreads and how the immune system responds. As of early February 2026, ‘BA.3.2 was detected in nasal swabs from four travelers, three airplane wastewater samples, clinical samples from five patients and 132 wastewater samples from 25 US states,’ according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

“‘Monitoring the spread of BA.3.2 provides valuable information about the potential for this new SARS-CoV-2 lineage to evade immunity from a previous infection or vaccination,’ the CDC says.”

“Meaning, the agency is watching how BA.3.2 spreads to learn if it can infect people who already have some protection from COVID vaccines or past illness. As COVID-19 and other respiratory viruses continue to circulate, understanding the Cicada variant – its symptoms, how it spreads and how to protect yourself – can help you make informed decisions for your health,” says a post from Stony Brook University School of Medicine’s Health Hub hyping the new COVID variant.

Don’t say the name too loud around your cats though. It’ll get them awfully hungry. They’ll be pawing at you wondering if you’ve got any cicadas in your pockets, under your shirt, even in your hair.

Fun fact: This press conference comes less than 24 hours after CNN’s Brian Stelter led Monday’s edition of his daily newsletter with, verbatim, “The Pentagon has not held a press briefing about the war in Iran in a week and a half,” under the headline “The Pentagon goes quiet,” so extra lol at hardcore mainstream media hater Petey Pee Pants evidently being shamed into this by friggin CNN.

“All of those countries that can’t get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz, like the United Kingdom, which refused to get involved in the decapitation of Iran, I have a suggestion for you: Number 1, buy from the US, we have plenty, and Number 2, build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT. You’ll have to start learning how to fight for yourself, the USA won’t be there to help you anymore, just like you weren’t there for us. Iran has been, essentially, decimated.”

“The hard part is done. Go get your own oil!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday.

The “buy from the US, we have plenty,” was an especially nice touch given the demented old idiot’s failure to understand that would further raise prices for Americans already pissed at $4 gas.

“The Country of France wouldn’t let planes headed to Israel, loaded up with military supplies, fly over French territory. France has been VERY UNHELPFUL with respect to the “Butcher of Iran,” who has been successfully eliminated! The USA will REMEMBER!!!” Donald continued ranting.

Corrupt scumbag Attorney General Pam Bondi’s Justice Department closed more than 23,000 active investigations into terrorism, white-collar crime, drugs, and – this one’s extra on-brand because DOGE’s “waste, fraud, and abuse” bullshit was all the rage at the time – federal procurement and program fraud, ProPublica reports on convicted felon President Trump’s failures on his own terms.

More than 11,000 of these plug-pulls came in February 2025 alone, meaning Bondi and her goons had simply decided that since it was a Biden-Garland DOJ case then it must be a leftist witch hunt.

Naturally the DOJ shifted to MAGA priorities, prosecuting 32,000 new immigration cases in the first six months of the administration, triple the number under Garland.

A photo of White House Minister of Information Karoline Leavitt holding her son next to a pardonee at the annual White House Thanksgiving turkey amnesty event taken by AFP photographer Andrew Caballero-Reynolds back in November was removed from Getty Images’ database after the French wire service was “made aware” Karoline did not like the angle from which the pic was taken, the Daily Beast reports on the latest capitulation to Robespierrean vanity and censorship.

AFP brand and communications director Gregoire Lemarchand confirmed to Status.News that the image was pulled after initial publication and that the agency was “made aware” that the White House did not like the photo, but emphasized that the decision to remove the image was “an internal editorial one, based on our standard quality and selection criteria” even though, well, questioning the causality vs the correlation isn’t really a thing here given the sequence of complaint and removal.

Breaking: Comer claims US Census Bureau was incorrect in 2020, costing Republicans multiple House seats https://t.co/wI3xwHkEra

— John Solomon (@jsolomonReports) March 31, 2026

Sources tell the Wall Street Journal that convicted felon President Trump has been telling his minions he’s okay with ending the war against Iran without any effort to reopen the Strait of Hormuz – the narrow waterway through which 20 percent of the world’s oil supply moves – closed on Tehran’s terms and, according to the Journal, “leaving a complex operation to reopen it for a later date.”

The President of the United States, who projects an image of courage and resolve to his fanatic cultists, felt a lot of indecision and reluctance when informed by aides that any operation to reopen the Strait – that he also recently decided would eventually be renamed the Strait of America or the Strait of Trump as symbol of his victory – would take four to six weeks. So now he wants to just try to cripple Iran’s naval and ballistic missile capabilities while resuming diplomatic pressure and, should that fail, pressure allies in Europe and the Middle East to figure out how to reopen the Strait.

Brooking Institution Vice President and Iran expert Susan Maloney called any such capitulation before the Strait is opened “unbelievably irresponsible, adding that Trump and Israel started the war together and can’t walk away from the fallout, “Energy markets are inherently global, and there is no possibility of insulating the US from the economic damage that is already occurring and will become exponentially worse if the closure of the strait continues,” said Maloney, expressing the exact kind of smarty-pants, swampy “expertise” thinking that got Trump elected twice in the first place.

The average price of a gallon of gasoline nationally is now above $4 for the first time since 2022, the AP reports on a milestone achievement for convicted felon President Trump’s regime after the he returned to power on a promise of lowering it through his economic and energy policy genius.

🚨 FIRST LOOK: The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library is officially here.

Over the past six months, I have poured my heart and soul into this project with my incredible team at @Trump.

This landmark on the water in Miami, Florida will stand as a lasting testament to an… pic.twitter.com/azV1hx0HG2

— Eric Trump (@EricTrump) March 31, 2026

The Kuwait Petroleum Corporation on Monday said Kuw-flagged oil tanker al-Salmi was subjected to a “direct and criminal” Iranian attack while stationed in the anchorage area of Dubai’s port in the UAE, Al-Jazeera reports on the kind of stuff that Trump was supposed to stop from happening.

Evidently unafraid of provoking MAGA outrage, Subway on Monday announced in a press release that “Financial pressures are sandwiching Americans between increasingly difficult spending choices. Filling up your gas tank is hard enough, that’s why Subway is making sure fueling yourself is the easiest decision to make this month. Beginning April 1, Subway will offer all Sub Club members a FREE footlong sandwich with the purchase of another footlong sandwich through April 28.”

“The offer is available for all orders made via Subway’s app and website by using promo code FLBOGO for existing Sub Club members and all who join Sub Club while the BOGO is underway.”