Thousands of ballots from Oregon’s largest county are unreadable by ballot scanning machines because a bar code on the sheet was printed too blurry for scanners to read, leading to a weeks-long delay in tallying the vote, the Associated Press reports.

The selections from ballots from Clackamas County, the state’s third most-populous county, will have to transferred by hand to proper ballots before they can be entered into the county’s system to compile votes, a process that could take weeks and will likely have a small percentage of transcription errors.

Politicians from all over the political dial have showered blame on Clackamas County Elections Clerk Sherry Hall, who had plenty of time to test and scan the ballots before being mailed out earlier this year.  Hall apparently did not conduct quality control tests on the ballots after they were delivered by the private contractor who printed them. 

A military cargo plane carrying more than 35 tons of baby formula landed in Indiana Sunday morning after flying from Ramstein Air Base in Germany, the first flight under the President Joe Biden’s “Operation Fly Formula,” ABC News reports.

The project comes after the Biden Administration had to cut through the red tape enacted by the previous administration in its unsuccessful trade war with the world, during which Donald Trump brashly implemented stiff tariffs on vital products coming to the United States.

Trump’s trade wars brought on significant product shortages, specifically at the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic that led to everyone from hospitals to private citizens scrambling for things like disinfectant, paper products and food.  It also led to increases in commodities prices for steel, aluminum and other industrial needs.  Trump also gave US farmers tens of billions of dollars in subsidies to offset the loses he caused by shutting down foreign trade markets.

The Food and Drug Administration issued a recall for Jif peanut butter after at least five people became ill from salmonella poisoning after consuming the product.  The mandatory recall follows a voluntary recall issued by the J.M. Smucker Company Friday.

The FDA reported that five people who had consumed peanut butter developed salmonella, and four were able to pinpoint that the brand of peanut butter consumed was Jif; the fifth did not know the brand.

Testing of samples found that the strain of salmonella was identical to one found at the J.M. Smucker plant in Lexington, Kentucky found in 2010.  The infected lots can be identified by a three digit sequence found in the production code on jars; “425” will be the fifth through seventh numbers on the code.  If you have a jar bearing this code, dispose of the product immediately.

God, the all-powerful deity, creator of the Heavens and Earth, unleashed His wrath upon Gaylord, Michigan on Friday, punishing the small town in the northern part of the lower peninsula with for its name promoting a sinful, un-Christian lifestyle with an EF3 tornado, the AP reports. It is unclear if God was angered by the town’s name violating his sacred “Don’t Say Gay” commandment and it were populated by Sodomites or if He construed the name as an insult and that the founders of the town were calling him a “gay Lord”. Either way the tornado ripped through the town, leaving two dead and dozens injured by His wrath. No word yet if local officials are exploring a name change, but “Repentanceville” or “Heteroberg” should be considered.

Republican Kansas Senator Roger Marshall, one of the least known members of the august body, believes that Kansas has moved away from the Mexican border recently.  “This is why this is important to Kansas,” Marshall asserts, “and this is why Kansas is no longer a border state.”

Narrator:  “Despite Marshall’s claim, Kansas never sat on an international border.”

Supposedly pro-Israel Republicans like fat former President Trump and fan convention organizer Matt Schlapp shared the CPAC Budapest stage (which may or may not have been shaped like a Nazi occult symbol this time around) in Budapest this weekend with notorious right wing Hungarian TV host Zsolt Bayer, best known for calling Jews “stinking excrement”, Roma people “animals”, and said “this the future? Kissing the dirty boots of fucking [n-words] and smiling at them? Being happy about this? Because otherwise they’ll kill you or beat you up?” in response to the 2020 Black Lives Matter protests. Trump dd not attend in person but addressed the crowd by video.

“Why should anyone be surprised when democrats act like criminals”

– The current top comment on the Breitbart article “Democrats Interfere in Nevada GOP Gubernatorial Primary in Attempt to Stop Trump-Backed Joe Lombardo“, posted late Saturday, written and upvoted as if Trump fanboys are offended at Dems starting to act like Republicans by taking advantage of shady campaign spending practices permitted under the Citizens United ruling, that “interfering” in an election is somehow morally wrong to them, and like they didn’t freak the fuck out when Dems successfully blocked their attempts to get Kanye West and Green Party nominee Howie Hawkins on the ballot in pretty much every critical swing state in 2020.

Utah hunting guide Wade Lemon is facing five years in prison for helping make the then-President of the United States’s son Don Jr feel like a man when he baited a bear trap so the idiot could shoot it during a hunt in 2018, the Salt Lake Tribune reports. The Utah Department of Natural Resources doesn’t name Don Jr in the criminal affidavit, so it’s unlikely he’ll ever face any charges, but of course Republican Davis County, Utah ass-kisser district attorney says the cokehead moron “was actually a victim and a now a possible witness in a fraudulent scheme to lead the hunter to believe it was actually a legitimate Wild West hunting situation.” Lemon is apparently dead to rights in the case, as he apparently left a trail camera labeled “Wade Lemon Hunting” – with his own goddamned phone number on it – pointed at a “a pile of grain, oil and pastries” on the day in question.

Russia has cut off the flow of gas to Finland after the Scandinavian country approved its application to the NATO alliance, a move that would put another Western ally directly at Russia’s borders, Reuters reports.

The Russian state gas company Gazprom says it cut gas delivery to Finland because Finland refuses to pay in rubles, a requirement the Kremlin has put in place for exports to bolster the Russian economy.  Last month, Russia cut off Poland and Romania for the same reason, and other European nations have voluntarily cut off Russian energy supplies as punishment for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

The move comes as the Kremlin refocuses its efforts in Ukraine from a broad plan to take over the country to concentrating on the eastern Donbas region.  The military effort in Ukraine has largely been unsuccessful, with the Ukrainian military–backed by arms and intelligence from Western nations–have stymied Russian advances.

Republican Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker has claimed that he has either founded, co-founded, or operated a charity group that has helped thousands of veterans cope with mental health issues, but an investigation by the Associated Press discovered that he is actually just a paid spokesperson.

“About fifteen years ago, I started a program called Patriot Support,” Walker said in an interview with conservative commentator Hugh Hewitt last October.  In an interview with a Savannah television station, Walker claimed, “People need to know I started a military program, a military program that treats (thousands) of soldiers a year.”

Patriot Support is a program started by Universal Health Systems to assist veterans with behavioral health programs.  I hired Walker as a spokesperson, paying him more than $300,000 last year alone.  He has no operational role with UHS or the program.

Fat former President Trump is telling friends his appointing of the three Supreme Court justices that will vote to overturn Roe v Wade is probably going to seriously hurt him in 2024, per a report in Rolling Stone illustrating that, like pretty much everything else, it’s all about him and not the American people. “Suburban women have been a recurring concern for [former] President Trump, including during the 2020 campaign, when his smarter advisers were sounding the alarm to him about how he was losing suburbs. He is… worried women in the suburbs could punish him for this one day,” said a minion to Rolling Stone, which is kind of understating how batshit he went over “suburban housewives” in 2020 with his insane tweets warning that Biden would “abolish” the suburbs and an ad where some crazed leftist broke into an elderly woman’s home and murdered her with a crowbar because Biden defunded 911 call centers.

It’s undeniable that the Donald has been muted on the issue since the news broke of the pending decision on May 2nd, uncharacteristic for him as he doesn’t shut the fuck up ever about his accomplishments in office, real and imagined. “Suburban women – some who voted for me – they don’t like it when we talk about it. That’s a problem sometimes [and that is] important to remember,” the fat bastard reportedly said. There’s probably also the fact that Trump has no personal feelings on it since he likely paid for at least one abortion himself and only appointed the far right justices to appease his Evangelical base. He’s worried – and correctly – he’ll take the blame for this atrocity when it does happen officially because he was pro-choice himself.

“On the morning of May 20, 2022, Texas & Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association Special Rangers and assisting agencies, including the Texas Department of Public Safety and the Loving Country Sheriff’s Office, arrested four individuals on charges of theft of livestock and engaging in organized criminal activity. Arrested were Skeet Jones, 71, Jonathon Alvarado, 23, Cody Williams, 31, and Leroy Medlin, 35, all from Loving County, Texas. The arrests came as a result of an ongoing, year-long investigation. The defendants allegedly gathered stray cattle in the area and sold them without following the legal procedures set forth in Chapter 142 of the Texas Agriculture Code, along with other possible violations. Due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, additional details are not being released at this time. Arrest affidavits may be acquired through Loving County, where the charges were filed” says a press release from the Texas & Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association.

Just to clarify for those who may not be familiar – in Texas (and Arkansas) a “County Judge” is the top elected official of a county, not a judicial officer who presides over legal matters, though we’re sure there are plenty of examples of Texas County judges who have served in both capacities. In every other state the same position would be “County Executive” (or “Borough Executve” in Alaska and “Parish Executive” in Louisana) – save for “County Mayor” in Hawaii and Tennessee and “Judge/Executive” in Kentucky. Hawaii and Tennessee have it right, in our opinion. “Executive” is too generic-sounding and “judge” is confusing as fuck, necessitating this extra paragraph.

Loving County, Texas is, at population of 64, the least populous county-level division in the United States, having undertaken Kalawao County, Hawaii (population 82) for the bottom spot after the 2020 census. This means four residents locked up for cattle rustling is fully 6% of the population of Loving County. Funny enough that was also President Joe Biden’s total share of the vote there in 2020: 4 votes for 6%. At 90% Trump in 2020, Loving may or may not be the MAGA-est county in the United States but it has to be up there. The least MAGA-est is Kalawao, in which Biden beat Trump 23 to 1 for a 96% margin. Kalawao for the win. Too bad there’s no Kalawao mayor (the county is administered by the state government), they could’ve trolled Judge Skeet Jones.

The center-left Australian Laboroo Party led by now Prime Ministeroo-elect Anthony “Crocodile Tony” Albanese are projected to take control of the governmaroo in Saturday’s electoradoo results, ending nine years of rule by the Liberal Party – which, despite their name, are actually right wingers – and Prime Ministeroo Kevin “Crocodile Kevin” Morrison’s tenure, as the Laboroos have taken a 69 to 51 seat lead over the “Libs”, with 18 still to call and 76 needed for a majoritoo, 9News reports.

The bogan cunts who support the “Libs” must be really screaming at the sky-aroo after propagandaroo from Rupert Murdoch couldn’t pull out a win for them and keep Crocodile Kevin in office. Crack open a coldie for the center left kicking the “Libs” in the dongaroos.

Insufferable piece of shit Republican Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson’s campaign communications director has resigned just three months into the job, in the latest sign that the right wing conspiracy theorist’s reelection is no sure thing, Heartland Signal reports. Jake Wilkins confirmed to the Signal he quit earlier this month after removing the Johnson campaign from his Twitter bio and liking a bunch of pro-choice tweets. Johnson, a fucking moron told the Wall Street Journal earlier this month he doesn’t think abortion is “the big political issue everybody thinks it is,” probably because he knows on some level an overturn of Roe v Wade is going to be a serious problem for his reelection – which Johnson wasn’t even supposed to be running for in the first place.

• The GOP effort to “expunge” Trump’s impeachments is literally an attempt to rewrite history.  
• Under the laws against critical race theory being taught in schools in Florida and Texas, teachers would not be able to address their students’ questions about the Buffalo massacre.  They would not be allowed to address anything relating to race, including condemning the people who murder based on race.
• White conservatives are scared about becoming the minority in the US because their biggest fear is that the minorities will treat them like they’ve treated minorities their entire lives.  
• Virtually every GOP candidate for federal office will air a commercial of himself firing an assault rifle at “legislation” they don’t like as if that’s a rational act, and they wonder why their followers eventually turn their guns on people they don’t like. 
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume LXX”

Lawyers and private investigators working for Hunter Biden tell CBS News they have the “Laptop from Hell” in their custody and are examining it forensically to see if it has been tampered with – and its journey as described leads us at National Zero to believe that someone inside the Trump Justice Department copied it and leaked it to MAGA political operatives who then planted it at the Delaware repair shop owned by legally blind Trump fan John Paul Mac Isaac.

The story begins in the office of Dr Keith Ablow, a Massachusetts psychiatrist who in 2012 wrote a column for Fox News’s website arguing that Newt Gingrich’s three marriages actually made him more qualified to be president than other Republican primary candidates and mocked Michelle Obama’s weight while guest hosting Fox’s “Outnumbered” in 2014. Evidently not caring about what Ablow thought of his dad’s boss’s wife, Hunter Biden began seeing Ablow regularly. Prrrrooobably not a coincidence but Ablow was raided by the DEA on suspicion he was improperly prescribing medication to patients. No charges were filed but but at that point he’d already lost his medical license. Hunter Biden left a laptop there that was seized by the DEA investigators and AH FUCKING CBS GODDAMN IT YOU PRICKS! I JUST SPENT 30 MINUTES RESEARCHING THIS!

See this is where CBS screwed up: In their report they say Keith Ablow was raided by the DEA in February 2019, but every other source on the web says it was in February of 2020. That’s a really bad plot hole and one that completely undermines the first paragraph I wrote here.

To make things worse, they write John Paul Mac Isaac received a laptop from someone he thought was Hunter Biden in spring of 2020 when every other source (including their own past reporting!) says it was actually in Spring of 2019. So I had a story, a good one, but now I don’t know what the hell to write except to bitch and complain like this. The whole premise of the laptop Isaac got is a fugazi made from a copy of the one that was in federal custody is undermined because of goddamned CBS. God freaking damn it. They won’t even answer the phone so I can tell them to pull the story because of these goddamned plot holes! Thanks a lot for calling in so many death threats that CBS News doesn’t have a live operator anymore, MAGA assholes! Fuck!

Trump-endorsed Michigan state House candidate Jacky Eubanks is against all forms of contraception and says she’s a yes if banning birth control pills comes up for a vote in the chamber.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign manager Robbie Mook testified in the MICHAEL SUSSMAN TRIAL Friday that she PERSONALLY APPROVED the leak of the story alleging that the servers of a corrupt Russian bank were communicating with ones owned by the Trump Organization, Fox News reports! We’re not sure of the significance, but right wingers think it’s HUGE! because like it means that Hillary used some not really concrete information to smear Trump as being in contact with Russians even though this was a few months after his son, son-in-law, and campaign manager met with actual agents of the Russian government in the Trump tower.

And eight years after Trump sold a mansion in Florida to some Russian guy for $60 million more than it was worth. And around the same time campaign manager Paul Manafort had defending Ukraine removed from the RNC platform. And when Manafort was giving internal Trump Campaign polling data to Russian troll farms so they’d know where to target their Facebook posts and bots. And a whole bunch of other shit that led now House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy to conclude that Russian President Vladimir Putin was paying Trump to which then-Speaker of the House Paul Ryan laughed at and agreed but told McCarthy to keep quiet about it.

But LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP because she’s a corrupt bitch! She told her campaign manager to push a story that wasn’t fully substantiated but not entirely debunked either! The Senate Intel Committee “could not positively determine an intent or purpose that would explain the unusual activity” but were unable to get a straight answer out of the FBI about their findings! So nobody fucking knows why a Russian bank’s server was querying a Trump Organization-owned server in 2016! MAGA! Durham is kicking ass! Maybe! We don’t know because it’s so goddamned dense and almost pointless to try to parse out we’re probably just going to wait for the verdict to report on it next unless there’s another EXPLOSIVE BOMBSHELL we can mock like this!