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“There is a season for everything and God has a plan for us all. When Congress returns tomorrow, I will file my retirement from office. It has been my privilege to serve the great people of Texas,” tweeted the other rapey Congressman on Monday evening, with “retirement” apparently meaning resignation because Tony Gonzales technically already “retired” when he dropped out of the runoff.

“I am deeply sorry to my family, staff, and constituents for mistakes in judgment I’ve made in my past. I will fight the serious, false allegation made against me. However, I must take responsibility and ownership for the mistakes I did make. I am aware of efforts to bring an immediate expulsion vote against me and other members. Expelling anyone in Congress without due process, within days of an allegation being made, is wrong. But it’s also wrong for my constituents to have me distracted from my duties. Therefore, I plan to resign my seat in Congress. I will work with my staff in the coming days to ensure they are able, in my absence, to serve the needs of the good people of the 14th congressional district,” said California Dem soon-to-be-former-Congressman Eric Swalwell in a statement on Monday. Well guess that four-in-one expulsion deal isn’t happening.

This is (apparently) not a joke. Verbatim from Puck’s Dylan Byers: “Drama at this year’s White House Correspondents Dinner. The Wall Street Journal is being awarded the The Katharine Graham Award for Courage and Accountability for its reporting on the ‘bawdy’ letter that Trump set Epstein. Trump, who sued the Journal over this story, is expected to present the reporters with the award.”

Again, not a joke. Still funny. Apparently this is the tradition. The fat fuck is going to blow his stack when he finds out about this. At minimum cancel his attendance. Probably sue the WHCA too.

Mark Morgan, who served as Acting ICE Commissioner, acting CBP commissioner, and chief of the Border Patrol in convicted felon President Trump’s first failed administration, was pretty unsparing in his criticism of the Orange God Emperor on Monday, telling Axios that his new “mass deportation coalition” is ready to turn up the heat on the fat bastard “with what we call kind of a right flank, saying, ‘No, Mr President, you’re listening to the wrong people,'” and not going full throttle again.

“If Trump had said what industry wanted, ‘I’m going to keep the illegals here so you can have cheap labor,’ he would not be in the White House,” another Trump 1.0 Homeland Security official, Mike Howell, said, adding “He’d be in a prison cell right now.” Ugh, thanks for reminding us, you dick.

“The President has only gotten pressure in his face to tone down the enforcement. The truth is the first year was not a year of mass deportation. A conscious decision was made to go after the worst first, which was, we’ll call it a deviation from the central campaign promise of mass deportations,” Howell continued, plainly despondent over the caving to political pressure from the wider public.

'DoorDash Grandma' Sharon Simmons from Arkansas made a special delivery to the White House—and shared how President Trump’s “no tax on tips” policy is impacting her bottom line.

“Half my income is tips,” she told America Reports—adding the measure has helped her save thousands.… pic.twitter.com/fqFCk4C114

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 13, 2026

A stunning new revelation surfaced Monday in the saga of the Arkansas grandma who works for DoorDash proudly showcased by the White House and its media apparatus as no longer having to pay tax on the tips that some people can optionally pay her for delivering McDonald’s, Popeye’s, and KFC to other people: Retired grandmas, as in the ones who have stopped working because they have enough in savings, pension, and other resources to maintain their lifestyle, do not have to pay taxes on tips either. In fact in a lot of other countries where the social benefits for elderly citizens are more equitable they usually simply stop working at a certain age irrespective of whether they have savings, pensions, etc. They don’t have to deliver fast food on DoorDash if they don’t want to.

“The European Commission is carrying out unannounced antitrust inspections in two Member States at the premises of a company active in the chocolate confectionery sector. The Commission has concerns that the inspected company may have violated EU antitrust rules that prohibit cartels and restrictive business practices, as well as abuses of a dominant market position. In particular, the Commission is investigating possible market segmentation in the form of restrictions on the trade of goods between Member States in the Single Market and obstacles to multi-country purchases,” says a vague statement from the European Commission on a double raid to find the secret to what makes Wonka bars so delicious and why the magical recipe hasn’t been shared with the entire world.

Or it could’ve been some more prosaic sort of monopolistic abuse. When they don’t even name the company let alone the location of the raids it kind of leaves it open to such interpretation.

You will not be surprised to learn that the “DoorDasher” who brought a bag full of McDonald’s to convicted felon President Trump in the Oval Office on Monday is not a DC local who legitimately picked up the order and was invited in, but a woman from friggin Arkansas who delivers for the app.

“A DoorDash delivery made its way to one of the most recognizable addresses in the world today: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Sharon Simmons, a Dasher from Arkansas, marked her order complete at the doors of the Oval Office on the South Lawn of the White House – an unconventional drop-off to commemorate the first anniversary of the No Tax on Tips policy,” says a blog post on the site.

God forbid that someone in another government office nearby actually place the order, rope the likely non-white driver into a brief Secret Service vetting and get their consent to have them meet the president to complete the delivery, and have this be an impromptu event with an actually more-or-less randomly-selected “DoorDasher” that the company could still promote. Barring that, and if it still had to be staged, you have to wonder if they ever even tried to cast someone from DC or if they were just like “fuck it. Arkansas it is.” Can’t really blame them when they knew it’d be hard, if not impossible, to find a local who would be willing to be seen standing next to the orange slob.

Whatever happened behind the scenes, it’s pretty on-brand for DoorDash to be the service to team up with Trump as he tries to promote one tiny crumb he gave to the poors in the Big Beautiful Piece of Shit, as they don’t like New York Attorney General Letitia James either. She got them to pay a $16 million settlement last year over – wait for it – tips they withheld from DoorDash drivers.

“Two of the country’s cult-favorite brands are making the ‘spear in a beer’ dive bar classic ritual a portable reality. Pabst Blue Ribbon and Grillo’s Pickles have joined forces to drop a limited-edition PBR x Grillo’s Pickle Beer, transitioning Grillo’s classic pickle from a garnish to the main event.”

“Clocking in at 4.7 percent ABV, this grab it while you can collaboration delivers a bright, tangy profile that balances the maltiness of PBR’s classic lager with the crisp, dill-forward punch that tastes unmistakably Grillo’s. It’s an easy-drinking, sessionable and refreshing brew that serves as the ultimate sidekick for the summer nights ahead, from the backyard to the beach. It’s here for your good times — not a long time! Get it while it’s cold,” says a press release from Pabst Blue Ribbon that signals a serious play for a market in ironic hipsterdom itself becoming ironic hipsterdom.

It’s actually pretty freaking brilliant: The perfect beer to sip in your vintage Sam Kinison “Out of Control” t-shirt while playing shuffleboard with your buds to the sound of “Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear to be ironic about 2010 irony culture, which is so dated now. It’s bespoke genius really.

On top of incorrect usage by this stupid hick – it’s “hanged,” not “hung” – Tennessee MAGA Congressman Andy Ogles’s demand for his colleague Eric Swalwell to face summary execution also kind of seems to be calling for his Orange Overlord to face a similar penalty for having done the same to EJ Carroll. Except technically it wouldn’t be “summary” because a court ruled Trump did in fact rape her.

“Much of Corporate America in the past decade embraced the theory that diversity, equity and inclusion policies were good for productivity and profits. A new White House study concludes the opposite: DEI policies that encourage hiring managers on the basis of race undercut the industries that adopted them, and the broader economy,” says the lede to a Wall Street Journal “exclusive” that they printed probably as some kind of access token to patch things up after the lawsuit fail.

But if it wasn’t them then it’d be Breitbart or Fox News and yeah no shit Team Trump wanted the report to come to this conclusion. Or this version of it. Who knows how many were scrapped and how many people were fired for not supporting the conclusion they wanted. It’s not like they want to be studying how higher gas prices undercut the profits industries or the broader economy.

why am I being mogged by a Filet-O-Fish rn pic.twitter.com/vbnXmaJxJ4

— McDonald's (@McDonalds) April 13, 2026

“Mog” was not invented by Clavicular, though the now-sterile “looksmaxxer” freak inarguably did more than any other individual to popularize it. For those still lost, mog is a contraction of “AMOG,” which itself was acronymed from “Alpha Male of Group,” a key fixation of the incel/men’s rights advocate/pickup artist subcultures in that “foids” (“female humanoids”) are attracted to the AMOG, which got verbed into mog, like the fish filet sandwich does, according to McDonald’s… “rn.”

Convicted felon President Trump – or maybe his wiener social media aide Dan Scavino using Trump’s Truth Social account – on Monday gave into the heat from his own worshippers and deleted the previous night’s AI slop post depicting the Satanic cult overlord as a Jesus-like figure.

“Iran’s Navy is laying at the bottom of the sea, completely obliterated – 158 ships. What we have not hit are their small number of, what they call, ‘fast attack ships,’ because we did not consider them much of a threat. Warning: If any of these ships come anywhere close to our BLOCKADE, they will be immediately ELIMINATED, using the same system of kill that we use against the drug dealers on boats at Sea. It is quick and brutal. PS 98.2 percent of Drugs coming into the US by Ocean or Sea have STOPPED!” posted the 21st century’s Chester Nimitz, daring his opponent to place their vessels on the coordinates he’s already selected as his target offensive operation area.

Just ask the tiny plastic Risk artillerymen lodged in his lower intestine since 1968. You don’t mess with the Stratego-ic prowess of the man who exploited Candy Land’s crucial Gumdrop Pass to outmaneuver his opponents in a hard-fought battle to capture King Kandy’s castle. Twice.

Really what Senator John Barrasso is saying is that Democrats are happy right now because everyone’s paying more for gas, which helps advance their “radical climate agenda,” and then in the next sentence it’s “so people understand what the president is doing and agree with him.” Which when you really think about it means… Barrasso is… praising Trump for making sure gas prices increase and the Democrats actually like it… so it’s actually making Democrats look bad…?

House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer’s staff have removed the Wednesday deposition with disgraced former Attorney General Pam Bondi from the schedule for this week, Meidas Touch’s Scott MacFarlane reports and naturally there’s no announcement or explanation from Team Comer.

A federal judge on Monday tossed convicted felon President Trump’s $10 billion defamation lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal and owner Rupert Murdoch over the paper’s publication of Donald’s affectionate 2003 birthday letter to notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

Southern Florida District Judge Darrin Gayles found that Trump had “not plausibly alleged that the Defendants published the Article with actual malice,” which is one way to describe a case that stood on, in the actual words of Team Orange’s Michael Brito, “the defendants’ reliance on a purported letter released over a month after the complaint was filed proves that defendants did not actually possess, or even review, any purported letter before publishing the false and defamatory article.”

Those words alone, deranged as they may be, actually undersell the batshittery of the whole timeline: It was July 17th, 2025 that the Journal printed the text of the letter that they did not yet have in their possession, and the complaint was filed less than 24 hours later. On September 8th, the House Oversight Committee acquired the actual letter from Epstein’s estate and, in a fun little fuck you to Trump, gave it to the Wall Street Journal first. It was a month and a half later that Brito told the court that it was still defamation because they didn’t have the letter yet in July.

HOLY GRAIL: Pope Leo says he has "no fear" and will continue his calls for peace in the Middle East after President Trump criticized him as "weak on crime" and "terrible for foreign policy." pic.twitter.com/CudJ5WQrsZ

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 13, 2026

Quantifying the effectiveness of the political and civil pushback against convicted felon President Trump’s legions of white nationalist stormtroopers, CBS News reports that the latest numbers show a 12 percent decline in internments by ICE since the January bloodbath in Minneapolis, and within that the average number of detainees without criminal records dropped by 21 percent.

Should be far closer to 100 percent. Not 100 percent because there is of course a kernel of justified enforcement against actual criminal illegal aliens. But they’ve clearly been restrained and another surge – or worse, another execution, during the summer – would be a nightmare for the regime.