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National Zero Off-Topic Friday: The other real Morrie Kessler

It should be clear by now that Goodfellas is not a drama or even really a “biopic” but a black comedy about violent gangsters in New York City very loosely based on a memoir written by a lowlife. Can a movie where there’s a character who other Italian-Americans call “Frankie the Wop” because he’s more Italian than them be taken as seriously as The Godfather ? Or the scene where the guys are eating in the mom’s dining room snickering about how her painting of an old man looks like the dude half-dead in the trunk of the car? Or how Henry’s mother-in-law screams about how her husband hasn’t been able to digest a meal in five weeks? That was borderline antisemitic.

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Reich DOJ finally moves to dismiss charges against Adams

Scumbag Acting Deputy Attorney General Emil Bove on Friday finally found the schmucks who will make a blatantly corrupt move rather than resign and file for dismissal of the charges against dipshit New York City Mayor Eric Adams to hold him hostage. Still though, the DC-based DOJ officials who signed off on the motion made it clear to the judge that it was all Bove’s idea.

“In connection with that determination and directive, the Acting Deputy Attorney General also concluded that continuing these proceedings would interfere with the defendant’s ability to govern in New York City, which poses unacceptable threats to public safety, national security, and related federal immigration initiatives and policies. See, eg, Executive Order 14159, 90 Fed Reg 8443; Executive Order 14165, 90 Fed Reg 8467. The Acting Deputy Attorney General reached that conclusion after learning, among other things, that as a result of these proceedings, Adams has been denied access to sensitive information that the Acting Deputy Attorney General believes is necessary for Adams to govern and to help protect the City,” wrote sacrificial lambs Antoinette T Bacon, titled “Supervisory Official, Criminal Division” and Edward Sullivan, titled “Senior Litigation Counsel Public Integrity Section Criminal Division” at Main Justice in DC.

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Deadly California Cybertruck crash (probably) teen driver’s fault

An autopsy report from the Alameda County, California Coroner’s office revealed that the driver of the Cybertruck in the deadly Thanksgiving weekend crash had a BAC of 0.195 percent and cocaine in his system when he got himself a two other 2023 graduates of Piedmont High School killed by wrapping the hideous geometric malformation around a tree at 3:08 AM, USA Today reports.

So yeah it was probably 19 year-old USC sophomore Soren Dixon’s fault when he got his friends Krysta Tsukahara and Jack Nelson, also 19, killed and incinerated along with him, not Elon Musk’s for cutting corners on safety features or faulty programming in the self-driving feature. Probably.

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MAGA octogenarian pleads guilty to shooting Ralph Yarl

The MAGA octogenarian who in 2023 shot a Black Kansas City teenager in the head for the crime of approaching the wrong house pleaded guilty to second-degree assault on Friday, the AP reports.

Andrew Lester, 86, was scheduled to stand trial next week on charges of first-degree assault and armed criminal action in the shooting of the then-16 year-old honor student Ralph Yarl, who survived and is now a freshman at Texas A&M and a member of ROTC as well as the school’s marching band.

Lester was in a wheelchair for the plea hearing. He faces up to seven years in the joint next month, though obviously nobody should expect much if any real time for an immobile convict.

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Violent eruption possible in Palin family’s backyard again

A violent eruption could take place in the vicinity of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s family soon as scientists with the US Geological Survey say it could be far worse than Todd blasting his ex-son-in-law with a shotgun shell full of rock salt. Per a Thursday USGS advisory, “unrest continues at Mount Spurr, with numerous small, shallow volcanic earthquakes detected beneath the volcano over the past day. Currently, the earthquakes are being located under the Crater Peak vent as well as under the summit of Mount Spurr. No unusual activity was observed in clear satellite and web camera views. A small steam plume from the summit vent was visible in ANCW web camera views.”

“AVO continues to monitor activity at Mount Spurr for signals that would indicate that the volcano is moving closer to an eruption. Based on previous eruptions, changes from current activity in the earthquakes, ground deformation, summit lake, and fumaroles would be expected if magma began to move closer to the surface. Therefore, it is very likely that if an eruption were to occur it would be preceded by additional signals that would allow advance warning. The volcano is monitored using local seismic, infrasound, web camera, and GNSS stations along with regional infrasound, lightning networks and satellite data,” the update continued. The volcano, just west of the Palins’ town, last erupted in 1992, a moderate event that sent a layer of ash onto nearby Anchorage and made a mess of busy trans-Pacific air corridors. It’s not clear yet how much fire’s in this fucker’s belly right now.

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Orange Plague to order end to COVID-19 vax mandates in schools

Purposefully shitting on one of the very few of his actually positive accomplishments during his failed first term, convicted felon President Trump will on Friday sign an executive order abolishing COVID-19 vaccine mandates in schools, the Washington Examiner reports on what’s probably going to be the top of a slippery slope where every inoculation is opt-out for school children.

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Bove afraid of “scrutiny” of personally intervening in Adams case

An analysis by the New York Times infers that Acting Deputy Attorney General Emil Bove, who could personally sign off on a dismissal of the charges against dipshit New York City Mayor Eric Adams if he really wanted to, is holding back and letting an ongoing exodus to continue at the SDNY’s office because he’s “loath to sign the document himself because of the extra scrutiny it would entail.”

Lol. No issue with the analysis itself, they probably nailed it, yet they don’t go into the bigger question of why the fuck Bove is acting like that ship hasn’t already sailed when he literally said he had “concluded earlier this week that the prosecution of Mayor Adams must be dismissed in order to prioritize national security and public safety.” The Times believes that it’s got more to do with the court than anything else, writing “The judge overseeing the Adams case, Dale Ho of Federal District Court in Manhattan, may well demand answers of whomever submits such a document,” but again, he’s going to be asking hard questions of the feds anyway. It should be noted however that the case is as good as dead even if Ho refuses to dismiss the charges. It’s not going anywhere if prosecutors don’t show up and they won’t, no matter how much hell the judge gives them.

Still it may be safe to conclude that Bove is such a bitch he wants to stay in DC and let some underling in New York to stand there and take that hell. Pretty on-brand for MAGA. It also may become pointless as this version of the Saturday Night Massacre is now on its seventh prosecutor.

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Welsh Bitcoin dumbass now just trying to buy garbage dump

Welsh idiot James Howells, whose hard drive containing $800 million worth of Bitcoin has now been under a mountain of garbage for at least 11 years, now claims he has funding to simply buy the entire garbage dump site from the city of Newport to retrieve it, CNN reports.

“Am considering purchasing a landfill site. Funding secured,” Howells tweeted last week. He did not respond to a request for comment from CNN. It’s not clear why he didn’t just think of this over the decade-plus he’s been failing to get the city council to allow him to dig in the dump.

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Congolese artist killed filming anti-war music video in war zone

Congolese pop artist Delcat Idengo, said to be critical of both the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s military and the Rwanda-backed M23 rebel movement was found dead in the M23-occupied city of Goma on Thursday, the BBC reports, citing sources claiming Idengo had been filming the video for a new diss track against the rebels who violently seized the town last month.

DRC government spokesman Patrick Muyaya blamed the M23 and said “Justice will be done,” for Idengo’s murder, while the M23 claimed it was the DRC military that killed the singer. Witnesses claimed that Idengo had been wearing military-like fatigues when he was shot dead. Probably not the best choice of apparel for a war zone. If he had to film in a war zone. It’s kind of easy to superimpose oneself on an AI-generated background these days. Lots of apps can do that.

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“No one mentioned that residents – legal residents – were going to have to go through this”: Trump voting wife of abducted man

Lincoln, California Trump voter Estefany Peña, tells Cal Matters she believed that everything would be fine for her and the second MAGA Reich would only go after illegals when she cast a ballot for the Orange God Emperor in November. And it was, until her husband and father of their two children, 40 year-old Joel Jacuinde, a legal resident and green card holder since 1999, never came home from a “check-in” appointment with an immigration office in San Francisco late last month.

“I thought they were going to be targeting criminals. No one mentioned during the campaigning of Donald Trump that residents – legal residents – were going to have to go through this. Everything just came crumbling down,” Peña said after the unspecified immigration officers wouldn’t allow her husband to leave. She claims they’ve since been trying to force him to sign a voluntary removal form. Peña has been unable to find legal representation for her husband, the lone breadwinner of the family and the only one who can drive their 11 year-old son to get treatment for his asthma.

“My kids are very close to their dad, so it’s taken a terrible toll on them,” Peña said. Yeah, her story kind of doesn’t totally add up, specifically as to why a green card holder would be detained indefinitely and forced to sign a voluntary removal form. That sounds like it would be a bigger deal and something more widely reported, so he had to have let it lapse or maybe he never was a legal resident and the wife’s simply lying about that part. Either way the “I thought they were going to be targeting criminals” part smacks of sincere regret over the choice she made, even if it was mooted by the Electoral College. Joel simply wasn’t “family-oriented” enough in the eyes of the reich.

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Eric Adams comes out as Homansexual

It was a special Valentine’s Day for New York City Mayor Eric Adams who publicly professed his partnership with Trump Reich “Border Czar” Tom Homan on Friday’s edition of Fox and Friends, not at all looking like he’s the submissive bottom in their relationship. It’s more like Adams accepts and enjoys being dominated by Homan because it helps keep Adams out of federal prison.

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Corey Lewandowski rejected for DHS chief of staff job

Convicted felon President Trump rejected his longtime minion Corey Lewandowski’s bid to become Department of Homeland Security Chief of Staff, the Atlantic reports on the Orange Overlord personally nixing it knowing that it was Corey just trying to find a way to regularly fuck now-DHS Secretary Kristi Noem during work hours. Extramarital sex for me, none for thee.

Yet Corey found a way. “The president’s decision has not stopped Lewandowski from working closely with Noem in her new role, functioning as a traveling adviser while overseeing other employees in her office. The situation has alarmed some in Trump’s circle, who view Lewandowski as a chaotic presence, even by MAGA standards,” the Atlantic’s story continues, raising the important question of when, not if, Corey is taken out of the DHS building in handcuffs.

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Shoplifter achievement unlocked

All it took was 11 packs of instant ramen, women’s boots, blue jeans, and a t-shirt from Walmart, totaling $137.34 swiped from the Walmart on 5255 Elvis Presley Boulevard in the Whitehaven neighborhood of Memphis, Tennessee to finally unlock an elite badge of shoplifting notoriety for 37 year-old Ashley Cross: A lifetime ban from every Walmart store, according to WREG.

“We value our customers and associates and want them to have a pleasant shopping experience. Though rare, there are instances when someone is no longer welcome in our stores,” the company said in a statement following Cross’s arrest in which she was caught on camera using an old watch barcode battery to scan all her items for $1 at the self-checkout. It’s not clear from the article how many times Cross had been caught stealing from Walmart or any other stores though it does mention that she’s “a well-known shoplifter,” per police. Cross is in the clink on $7,500 bond.

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Russ Vought an OnlyFan

Project 2025 architect and newly reappointed Office of Management and Budget Director Russ Vought is among just 108 followers of an OnlyFans creator named Chloe Harper, Path to Progress director Sam Weinberg reports, noting that the Project 2025 manual called for a ban on porn.

Fairness asterisk: Harper follows Vought, convicted felon President Trump, Third Lady Melania Trump, Trump’s official presidential account, and “Team Trump” on Instagram, making it fairly reasonable to conclude she’s MAGA herself. So while Vought following her is definitely not a good look, there’s a hell of a lot more plausible deniability of it being an innocuous follow-back (there’s plenty of apparent randos on his follow list) here than there was in a situation like, for example, the time Ted Cruz got caught liking milf porn. Or when George Santos used campaign funds to pay for his OnlyFans porn subscriptions. Short of Vought appearing on some list of her OnlyFans subscribers, it’s unlikely this is going to be a thing… then again would it be a thing even if he did?

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Trump’s America: Trader Joe’s, Kroger limiting egg purchases

America is like a third world country under the failed and feckless “leadership” of fat fuck President Trump just over three weeks into his second administration. Nowhere is this more apparent than the egg crisis that has only gotten worse while he and Elon Musk jerk each other off with their administrative purges that mean nothing to the Arizona voter who said “I like Trump because he’s like good at business and will get us a new economy after all this crazy inflation and shit, fam.”

In the latest escalation of this crisis, NPR reports that grocery chains Kroger and Trader Joe’s are limiting purchases of cartons of eggs to one or two max per customer – and the Orange Caligula has done nothing about it, let alone the insane price of $4.95/dozen on average nationally. Instead he dicks around with renaming the Gulf of Mexico as if working families give a fuck.

“We hope these limits will help to ensure that as many of our customers who need eggs are able to purchase them when they visit Trader Joe’s,” the grocer said in a statement. “The rule could be lifted when there are no issues on the supply.” Kroger meanwhile said the limits are not nation-wide yet, but in certain divisions at “two dozen per customer, per trip.” Total bummer, eh fam?

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SDNY acting attorney quits over Eric Adams case fuckery

In a letter obtained by the New York Post, now-former acting US Attorney for the Southern District of New York Danielle Sassoon – a Federalist Society member and former clerk for dead extremist Justice Antonin Scalia, thus no flaming libtard – wrote Thursday to far right Attorney General Pam Bondi that “because the law does not support a dismissal, and because I am confident that Adams has committed the crimes with which he is charged,” Sassoon “cannot agree to seek a dismissal driven by improper considerations,” namely the leashing of Adams to the MAGA Reich.

“Rather than be rewarded, Adams’s advocacy should be called out for what it is: an improper offer of immigration enforcement assistance in exchange for a dismissal of his case,” Sassoon wrote.

Bove, a creepy looking fuck who was once himself a prosecutor at SDNY less than four years ago, told the Post he “concluded earlier this week that the prosecution of Mayor Adams must be dismissed in order to prioritize national security and public safety over continuing with a case that has been tainted from the start by troubling tactics. There is no room at the Justice Department for attorneys who refuse to execute on the priorities of the Executive Branch — priorities determined by the American people. I look forward to working with new leadership at SDNY on the important priorities President Trump has laid out for us to make America safe again.” Sorry, not sorry.

There’s a whole Saturday Night Massacre currently going on at SDNY, right as Adams is being ripped a new asshole by Trump Reichsminister Tom Homan in a meeting at ICE’s Manhattan office.

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Igloo coolers recalled over fingertip amputation risk

The somehow still-functional US Consumer Product Safety Commission on Thursday issued a recall for Igloo brand 90 Qt Flip and Tow Rolling Coolers manufactured prior to January 2024, due to at least “12 reports of fingertip injuries, including fingertip amputations, bone fractures, and lacerations,” per the notice, which also specifies “the recalled coolers have a tow handle. ‘IGLOO’ is printed on the side of the coolers. The coolers were sold in multiple body and lid color combinations, some of which are pictured above. The following cooler models with tow handles are included in the recall. The model number is located on labels affixed to the bottom of the cooler.”

Bad as this is, at least it’s sort convenient in that you’d have somewhere to keep your severed fingertip(s) on ice so they could be surgically reattached. Can’t say that about an edge trimmer.

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Zelensky plays Trump’s ego

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky told convicted felon President Trump that Russian dictator Vladimir Putin is only pretending to want to negotiate a peace deal because he is “afraid of you,” sources tell Axios of the ego-stroking that may or may not actually work.

“Putin told you he wants a deal only because he is afraid of you, because you are strong,” said Zelensky to Trump, to which the fat bastard said “We will know soon,” whether Putin is serious.

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Matt Schlapp sexually assaults another man, again

CPAC chief Matt Schlapp is in not-very-closeted trouble again as independent journalist Yashar Ali reports there was little dick-grabbing incident at a bar near Schlappy’s home in Virginia last weekend. A man told Ali that “Every time I looked around – whether we were on the dance floor, at the bar, or back at the table talking to people – every time I turned around, this guy was right there, one foot behind me. And I was just not comfortable with this.” The man’s wife/girlfriend (not specified) said she confronted Schlapp and told him to back off, to which Schlapp promptly grabbed the man’s crotch. Schlapp was then ejected from the premises. Ali confirmed Schlapp was there by viewing security footage from the bar, but did not see the specific incident.

“After I texted Schlapp the allegations and information about my story, he quickly called me twice and also texted, asking me to call him. I told him I would call him back in five minutes, and he acknowledged my response. I returned the call five minutes later but received no answer. My text message not only laid out the allegations but also provided Schlapp with a specific deadline for comment. I stated that I would only speak to him or his representatives on the record and would not engage in off-the-record or on-background conversations a long-standing policy I follow when stories involve allegations of misconduct. Schlapp never returned my call. Since that brief text exchange, I have texted him several more times, called him again, and emailed him. I also tweeted at him before I published this story,” Ali wrote. Sounds pretty on-brand for Schlapp.

Created by potrace 1.16, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2019

National Zero Off-Topic Friday: The other real Morrie Kessler

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