What’s going on with that anyway? I stopped at a Manhasset, NY Whole Foods last night expecting the shelves to have been emptied by Antifa rioters. While I didn’t see the inside of the Bed Bath and Beyond upstairs from it, I’m pretty sure it hadn’t been converted into an “autonomous zone”. The Gucci store across Northern Boulevard was apparently still in business and hadn’t been looted by the liberal mob. It wasn’t on fire. Didn’t look too closely but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t boarded up either. The Apple Store, J Crew, Polo Ralph Lauren, and Benihana also seemed to be fine.

Illustration of what was supposed to happen

Now admittedly I spent less than an hour in Nassau County, Long Island last night. There’s a chance I could have missed a liberal mob cancelling a TGI Friday’s happy hour. Maybe they set up their forward operating base and thousands of Antifa soldiers and tanks are assembling in a Home Depot parking lot. But wouldn’t that be reported on Fox News?

Trump campaign fundraising text, September 12, 2020.

Could it be that I need glasses? Were the houses I drove past actually on fire and I missed it because I thought the flames were Christmas lights? Were Antifa rioters smashing through the front doors of these homes and helping themselves to all the Corona Light and Cheez-Its they wanted? Is it possible that the right wing media are so focused on the Dominion takeover of America’s Democracy that they’re neglecting to cover the Antifa mob’s takeover of America’s suburbs?

I guess I should end this article with a prompt to suburban readers, asking them to fill us in on what’s going on in their neighborhoods, but how do I know Antifa goons aren’t just holding a gun to their heads and telling them to type in a comment saying everything’s fine? I don’t, so it’s probably best if I stay in Brooklyn and don’t go to the suburbs any more. I just don’t think it’s safe out there.