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“It was my great honor to destroy a very large DRUG-CARRYING SUBMARINE that was navigating towards the United States on a well known narcotrafficking transit route. US Intelligence confirmed this vessel was loaded up with mostly Fentanyl, and other illegal narcotics. There were four known narcoterrorists on board the vessel. Two of the terrorists were killed. At least 25,000 Americans would die if I allowed this submarine to come ashore. The two surviving terrorists are being returned to their Countries of origin, Ecuador and Colombia, for detention and prosecution. No US Forces were harmed in this strike. Under my watch, the United States of America will not tolerate narcoterrorists trafficking illegal drugs, by land or by sea,” posted the Orange Tyrant on Saturday.

A Florida McDonald’s worker has been charged in the shooting of a teenage customer who had become extra value belligerent when staff at a Davenport location refused him and a friend service due to high demand for the global brand’s McProcessed consumables last weekend, WFLA reports.

Peter Story, 19, and Nicholas Jones, 18, had arrived at the drive-thru at 3 AM on Sunday the 12th only to be told by McEmployee Yoan Soto, 21, that the McKitchen was maxed out and simply could not fulfill their order. Per cops, Story and Jones then threatened to “beat [Soto’s] ass,” and would be waiting for him in the McParking lot. The two then parked and entered the McDonald’s to continue their McTirade. The manager then told Story to leave and they refused, later telling cops she heard them mentioning a “30 clip” and “switches” amid their McShittalk. It was those specific words that prompted Soto to go to the break room to retrieve a special McSomething from his backpack, circle around to the front door and, as the time-honored Florida saying goes, stand his ground.

Story was shot in the neck during the ensuing McStruggle, but not like Charlie Kirk shot in the neck, as he and Jones fled the scene. Soto retrieved the McShell casing and absconded from however much longer was left in his shift. Although the lede here said Soto was charged in the McShooting, it’s not even close to an attempted murder case as the probably-former McEmployee faces a count of tampering with physical evidence for removing the shell casing from the scene. Story and Jones were charged with disorderly McConduct and trespassing for being such pains in the neck.

“George Santos was somewhat of a ‘rogue,’ but there are many rogues throughout our Country that aren’t forced to serve seven years in prison. I started to think about George when the subject of Democrat Senator Richard ‘Da Nang Dick’ Blumenthal came up again. As everyone remembers, ‘Da Nang’ stated for almost twenty years that he was a proud Vietnam Veteran, having endured the worst of the War, watching the Wounded and Dead as he raced up the hills and down the valleys, blood streaming from his face. He was ‘a Great Hero,’ he would leak to any and all who would listen.”

“And then it happened! He was a COMPLETE AND TOTAL FRAUD. He never went to Vietnam, he never saw Vietnam, he never experienced the Battles there, or anywhere else. His War Hero status, and even minimal service in our Military, was totally and completely MADE UP. This is far worse than what George Santos did, and at least Santos had the Courage, Conviction, and Intelligence to ALWAYS VOTE REPUBLICAN! George has been in solitary confinement for long stretches of time and, by all accounts, has been horribly mistreated. Therefore, I just signed a Commutation, releasing George Santos from prison, IMMEDIATELY. Good luck George, have a great life!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday, launching George’s big comeback into politics and justifying with Senator Dickhead Blumenthal’s Stolen Valor. Two wrongs make a right in 2025 MAGAmerica.

Several Republican members’ offices earlier this year each received an American flag with an “optical illusion” Nazi Swastika embedded in it, NBC News reported Thursday in what might be one of the most limp dick damage control stories ever concocted by this utterly dysfunctional party.

Or maybe just this week. “One of the sources, whose office received a flag back in January, said it was initially difficult to see the flag’s swastika with the naked eye, calling it an ‘optical illusion.’ But once they discovered the swastika in the center of the flag, they threw it out, the source said,” NBC News writes in the second and third of the just five sentences in the entire 19-sentence-long article to relate to these spectral US-Nazi Germany mashup flags. The others mention that the flags’ provenance is still unclear and that the US Capitol Police and House Administration Committee are investigating. The rest is the context in which and the sole reason why this article was printed.

Give NBC’s reporter a pass here. Access journalism requires eating some bullshit from time to time in order to maintain working relationships with sources. Plus article itself draws no direct connection between the mysterious January flags and the swastika seen on the cubicle of Angelo Elia, one of Ohio Republican Congressman Dave Taylor’s staffers, during a web meeting earlier this week.

It mentions it prominently – in fact there’s more about that one than the “optical illusion” flags. The reporter played along with some half-assed effort to introduce doubt in the minds of people who do not want to believe their party is the one on display in those texts between Young GOP leaders.

Former Southern District of Florida US Attorney Alex Acosta told House Oversight Committee investigators he was too chickenshit to try to win at trial against Dersh and Ken Starr so he struck that cowardly 2008 plea deal with sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, the New York Post reports.

“Ultimately, the trial was a crapshoot, and we just wanted the guy to go to jail,” Acosta told the members of the committee, even though Epstein kind of didn’t really go to jail at all. “We put him in jail, he registered as a sex offender, and the victims had an opportunity to recover. And that was a win. Looking at all of this, the ultimate judgment was, ‘Do you roll the dice?’ and if he gets away with it, you’re sending a signal to the community that he can get away with it,” the pussy continued.

“A billionaire going to jail sends a strong signal to the community that this is not acceptable, that this is not right, that this cannot happen. His registering as a sex offender puts the world on notice, whether the world listened or not we can put to one side, but it puts the world on notice that he was an offender and a sexual offender,” Acosta continued and holy fuck, forget that he sent the opposite signal, but recall that Acosta served as Trump’s Labor Secretary and resigned in 2019 specifically because of new reporting on his Epstein failures after Dirty Jeff was indicted again.

The Clerk of the House of Representatives of Friday read Speaker Mike Johnson’s proclamation of “I hereby designate the period from Monday October 20, 2025 through Sunday October 26, 2025 as a district work period,” there by extending the vacation for his members another week.

The joke isn’t funny, but here goes with the punchline anyway: WSB-TV reports that the three white cops from the Clover, South Carolina Police Department – all in uniform – were given their meals for free at Christianity-themed fast food chicken chain Chick-fil-A’s Augusta, Georgia location but then the Black cop – wearing the same uniform as the white ones – was charged for his order.

Wait, there’s a punchier line: After Clover Police Sgt Tracey Reid wrote to Chick-fil-A to complain he was given two free meal vouchers as recompense. “We came in together, same uniform, stood in line, there was never a time we were not together while standing in line,” Reid told WSB of the incident that occurred last month while the four were in Augusta for an unspecified work function.

“He said he had to pay for his meal, and it infuriated me,” said Detective Thomas Barnette. “And I said, ‘You want me to go say something?’ He was like, ‘No, I don’t want you to cause a scene,’ but I could tell the way he looked; he just looked at his plate, he looked sad and humiliated and that made me really mad.” The gift cards and the response made it worse. “It said it was perceived that it was a racial incident, which I didn’t like, because it wasn’t perceived, it actually happened,” Reid said.

In a statement the franchisee said she regrets “the unintentional impact this incident had and sincerely apologize to our Guest. We were deeply concerned by this claim. It appears to have been an honest oversight across separate lines and registers. We are strongly committed to supporting our community’s first responders.” Man this joke sucks. Especially the part in the original response in which, per WSB, the owner wrote that “the person who processed the meal was a team leader who doesn’t normally work at the register, and the manager called the incident a mistake.”

A top Italian investigative journalist is very much not dead after a mistimed bomb placed by a mafia operative exploded about 20 minutes too late to kill or at least grievously maim him, Reuters reports.

Sigfrido Ranucci, host of state broadcaster RAI’s weekly “Report” show, has been under police protection for years because of his dogged persistence in covering the country’s underworld. The bomb, planted outside of his home about 20 km south of Rome damaged two cars in his driveway.

Or at least that’s what Ranucci told the cops. It’s possible he owes the mafia a shit ton of money on a racing bet from 1999 and then hastily slapped together some reporting to make it look like he was this fearless clarion of truth against the criminal scum. Maybe the mafia guys even kind of like the coverage but still want him dead over the €50,000 he bet on Taormina Triumph way back when.

Venting to Axios over Jesus Dork Speaker Mike Johnson bitching out of answering questions about scumbag domestic abuser/stealth Muslim Florida MAGA Congressman Cory Mills, white nationalist Georgia Congresswoman Marjie Greene was, characteristically, less than sparing in her rage.

“They expelled George Santos, Mike Johnson did. He was Speaker and oversaw George Santos being expelled. Why isn’t he doing anything about Cory Mills?” Greene told Axios. “There’s clearly proof behind her accusations that a judge is issuing a restraining order. So I would say to Speaker Johnson, this is a serious matter, and it needs to be taken seriously,” she continued, aiming directly at Johnson telling reporters he’d prefer to “talk about something serious,” on Thursday when he was asked about the protective order a Florida judge slapped Mills with this week.

Mills had harassed his ex-Florida girlfriend, GOP delegate/beauty pageant queen Lindsey Langston, threatening her with revenge porn following her breakup prompted by Mills being credibly accused of assaulting his (reportedly)still-DC girlfriend, Iranians for Trump co-founder Sarah Raviani.

Worth noting is that Johnson was very much against expelling George Santos. Greene also voted no.

“Why Stairs Are A Threat To Humanity” pic.twitter.com/XBylxGwqnm

— Mike Lee (@BasedMikeLee) July 25, 2025

No decent person—any certainly no conservative person—should mock an 83-year-old’s fall

That was heartbreaking, and the thought of anyone finding it amusing is hard to fathom https://t.co/t8dp6A7frT

— Mike Lee (@BasedMikeLee) October 17, 2025

The woke Marxist pussies in the New York GOP will be voting Friday to disband the Empire State’s Young Republican chapter after Politico obtained and printed all of those racist, pro-Hitler, Holocaust-jokey texts in between the adults in the organization, Newsday reports

“Attorney General Ken Paxton is investigating the University of North Texas (‘UNT’) for still refusing to take disciplinary action against the radical students who celebrated the political assassination of national hero Charlie Kirk and who have threatened violent acts against students. Attorney General Paxton previously sent a letter to UNT regarding left-wing extremism and demanded answers from the university, but school leadership’s response so far has been abysmal and real action has been non-existent. As part of the investigation, Attorney General Paxton sent a follow-up letter to UNT President Harrison Keller demanding answers as to why UNT is refusing to hold bad actors accountable even as other universities and colleges have taken appropriate action in comparable circumstances,” writes Picasso-face’s office in another insufferably histrionic press release.

“‘In the face of left-wing terror being celebrated and the threatening of students, UNT leadership has chosen to do next to nothing. That’s outrageous,’ said Attorney General Paxton. ‘Thus far, there has been zero school officials fired, zero students expelled, and zero accountability from UNT as the campus is overrun by left-wing extremists violently threatening anyone who disagrees with them. I will continue to investigate this matter and use the full weight of this office to stop this madness.'”

“Following the martyrdom of Charlie Kirk, self-identified ‘militant’ student groups on UNT’s campus have increasingly used violent rhetoric against other students and conservatives. Marxists and Antifa-aligned organizations have been spreading their materials and their violent messages all across the university, according to media reports. Video footage posted to social media by Representative Andy Hopper also showed a radical student approaching a Turning Point USA table and shredding the group’s materials. Similar to the school’s response to other forms of left-wing extremism from students, UNT has chosen to do nothing in ­the face of these incidents.”

In conclusion, Ken Paxton is the word accidentally depicted on a now-discontinued UNT coffee mug.

Pennsylvania MAGA Congressman Dan Meuser and the rest of the weenies in his wreck of a party got their talking points from the RNC about the October 18th No Kings protests at least a week or two ago. The RNC talking points scripting room had to have, within hours, or at most a few days, of the lib activist coalition publicly announcing it, that exact date. So instead of using however much lead time they had, lead time that could’ve been used to organize their own “AMERICA FIRST MAGA PATRIOT” counter-rally, they just dicked around aimlessly until somebody in the GOP noticed the chatter and said “Oh shit, this might be kind of big,” then slapped together moronic canned lines about it being terrorism and Antifa and blah blah blah. Canned lines Meuser forgot to use.

Former Trump White House National Security Advisor John Bolton on Friday walked into a federal courthouse on his own recognizance to surrender on however many goddamned felonies the regime hit him with, uncuffed and unescorted by federal law enforcement, the New York Post reports.

Convicted felon President Trump’s $15 billion lawsuit against the New York Times, unceremoniously tossed from a Florida federal court last month for the complaint being “improper and impermissible” because of its 85 pages of ballsucking praise for the Holy Orange God Emperor, has been officially refiled and trimmed down to 40 pages, and appears to be lighter on the glory and greatness.

But lighter does not mean completely devoid of it as the intro still ends with allegations that that two Times articles from last year plus a book by one of their reporters “wrongly defame and disparage President Trump’s hard-earned professional reputation, which he painstakingly built for decades as a private citizen before becoming President of the United States, including as a successful businessman and as star of the most successful reality television show of all-time – The Apprentice.”

It’s also really putting the complain in complaint, citing passages like one from an October 2024 article describing the shitty reality show’s producers’ first visit to the Trump Tower in 2003 – “Mr Trump’s own desk bore no evidence of work, no computer screens or piles of contracts and blueprints, just a blanket of news articles focused on one subject: himself” – as defamatory.

As though the Times would want to make that up and further degrade their educated readership’s mental health by reinforcing their perception of the president as a petty mental child.

Sources tell Punchbowl News that at least 20 to 30 percent of House Republicans would vote yes on extending the Obamacare tax credits that Democrats have used as their main reason for forcing a government shutdown, buuuuuuut… Mike Johnson and leadership refuse to hold that vote.

Even though, pretty obviously, their conference knows that jacking up health insurance rates on millions of Americans going into a midterm year is fucking suicidal. Klan admirer Steve Scalise’s new line on that is “the tax credits were created to be temporary by the Democrats. It was the Democrats who set them up to expire, right? They never wanted them to be permanent,” as though people whose premiums are about to increase dramatically are going to be “reasonable” enough to get that.