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“I have just spoken to the Acting Prime Minister of Thailand, a very good conversation. Thailand, like Cambodia, wants to have an immediate Ceasefire, and PEACE. I am now going to relay that message back to the Prime Minister of Cambodia. After speaking to both Parties, Ceasefire, Peace, and Prosperity seems to be a natural. We will soon see!” posted one of convicted felon President Trump’s minions to his Truth Social account on Saturday, doing a mediocre job of lexical mimicry while reporting back on what Secretary of State Marco Rubio doing an impression of Trump said to some coup-thirsty Thai general who asserted himself as speaking on behalf of the Acting Prime Minister whose name wasn’t important enough for the minion to copy and paste into the post.

Ctrl + C, Ctrl + V and vio-fucking-la: Acting Prime Minister Suriya Juangroongruangkit was installed a few weeks ago after 38 year-old nepo hire Paetongtarn Shinawatra was suspended following the leak of a phone call with Cambodian elder statesman Hun Sen in which she successfully talked into ordering his military to ease up even after one of their soldiers was killed in a skirmish with Thai troops. Paetongtarn called Sen “uncle” out of respect given her family’s previous history with him and badmouthed some of the extremists in her own military, something seen at the time by her opponents as “breaching ethical standards.” Fast forward 25 days and Thailand’s border has been breached, martial law is in effect in eight provinces neighboring Cambodia, at least 14 Thai civilians and eight soldiers are dead along with five soldiers and eight civilians on the Cambodian side, and the fat bastards’s team is pretending to care while he plays golf in fucking Scotland.

Drug-abusing far right Texas Congressman Ronny “Dr Feelgood” Jackson this week met with the White House about a possible Senate bid amid doubts that soon-to-be-divorced for infidelity Picasso-faced serial white-collar criminal Attorney General Ken Paxton can win a general election even as he’s a major threat to incumbent “RINO” John Cornyn, Semafor reports.

This is so fucking stupid. If Jackson gets in there’d be three candidates eating each other and 100 percent adding a runoff with two more months of campaigning. Paxton’s not going to drop out unless Trump turns on him and even then is anyone REALLY sure that would even be enough?

Cornhole told Semafor he’s got it all figured out. “We just have to do two things. One is to remind people what I’ve done and my record of support for the president during his first and now second term. And, secondly, to remind people what a crook Ken Paxton is.” Lol. They know what a crook he is. They’ve known for years. And yet here you are John, sounding like Joe Biden in the twilight.

Meant to get to this over a week ago but on the 18th NBC News reported Cornyn had confirmed to them he personally went to Trump to beg for his endorsement. “I’ve talked to him about it a number of times. He is not ready to make that endorsement. I think as we start advertising and closing the gap in the polls, hopefully he’ll see fit to make that endorsement, but we can’t wait. I pointed out to him, and he knows this, that if he endorsed me, the race would be over.” And yet…

What was already a pretty fucking sick and horrifying story from WVTM about seven Alabamans getting arrested and charged with running a sex trafficking ring out of a bunker in some third-world rural county gets an added dose of MAGA absurdity from the (emphasis added) sentence quoted in the headline. “The Department of Homeland Security is investigating potential gang connections and the immigration status of the suspects,” WVTM writes in the article about the arrests of William (Chase) McElroy, Dalton Terrell, Andres Trejo, Timothy St John, Rebecca Brewer, Ricky Terrell, and Sara Terrell, for pimping out children between the ages of 3 and 15 for at least the last two years.

How’s that angle of the investigation going? Trejo was arrested back in April, which is probably enough time to figure out where he was born and then send him to CECOT or South Sudan for the rest of his life instead of standing trial in the American justice system. What about McElroy, St John, Brewer, and the Terrells? Are they secretly Canadians or Australians who were toddlers when their parents overstayed their tourist visas while they were vacationing in rural Alabama in 1993?

Homeland Security has jurisdiction over sex trafficking investigations because of the tragically common overlap with the larger world of transnational human trafficking. It’s just easier to exploit minors from third world countries than those born in the first world parts of the United States. But those two words, “immigration status” – for which WVTM provides no attribution or sourcing because they’re a rural Alabama NBC affiliate owned and likely neglected by Hearst Media – speak volumes about the MAGA cult reality-warping infecting the story of a heinous and evidently thus far solely US-based sex-trafficking ring. It’s as if someone at DHS knew the base needs a teeny tiny hook to paint this as part of their larger war against all enemies foreign and domestic that could theoretically, if you use your imagination and squint really hard, be kind of foreign too. In a way.

Look, they were hanging out with a rough-looking Latino pedophile (who probably is American but let’s keep that vague). That makes them just a little less white and Alabaman, sort of.

Whatever helps them process the fact that unspeakable sex crimes against minors aren’t just for rich Jews, British royals out of the line of succession, and Hillary Clinton. That Methstein Island is no better than the original, which actually when you think of it has indoor plumbing and nice beaches. And fewer Klan members as neighbors. Hell it might kind of hurt to realize that one’s fellow MAGAmericans were doing pretty much the same thing, just by and for the poor and filthy, so casually alluding to an immigration angle without any further detail whatsoever is actually the responsible thing to do to protect the pride of those who regard themselves as the hard-working, God-fearing, flag-waving, honest, and morally decent folks out there in real America.

“As President Trump continues desperate attempts to quell public interest in the release of files related to his long-time friend, convicted sex offender, and child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, we write with deep concern regarding potential public corruption, abuse of power, and failures in the federal law enforcement response to the Epstein case. Recent public reporting indicates that the Estate of Jeffrey Epstein is in possession of a document commonly referred to as ‘the birthday book,’ compiled by Ghislaine Maxwell in 2003 in celebration of Mr Epstein’s 50th birthday, with clear relevance to this case. To assist in bringing transparency and accountability, we request that you provide a complete, unredacted copy of the 2003 ‘birthday book’ no later than August 10, 2025, which may provide information essential to further our constitutionally obligated congressional oversight efforts,” write House Dems Ro Khanna and Robert Garcia to the attorneys for dead sex trafficker and personal friend to the President of the United States of America, Jeffrey Epstein.

“Public reporting indicates that President Trump submitted a poem and drawing for the ‘birthday book’ and that it contains messages and illustrations from wealthy and powerful friends and associates of Jeffrey Epstein. The book is relevant for ongoing congressional oversight of the Department of Justice’s handling of the Epstein investigation and prosecution, as well as the Trump Administration’s decision to declassify and release only a handful of documents from the its Epstein files while withholding others from the public. In addition, the Comittee has issued a subpoena to depose Ms Maxwell, the book’s alleged creator, and should be permitted to review its contents.”

“Information gathered from this document may also inform the development of legislative reforms addressing sex trafficking networks, financial regulation, or other critical matters of public policy.”

Cops in a suburb of India’s capital city of New Delhi have tossed diplomatic immunity out the window and taken into custody Westarctica’s ambassador to India, the Honorable Harshvardhan Jain, on suspicion of forgery, impersonation, and possessing fake documents, the AP reports.

Officials did not comment on why Jain would be the ambassador to Westarctica when he’s actually Indian or how he managed to secure the ambassadorship from Seborga as well… and there’s only so much mileage in the joke so tonal shift here: This fucker really did say he was an ambassador, consult, representative, etc of Westarctica, Seborga, and a number of other fictitious countries.

Jain’s scam, taking payments from locals seeking lucrative employment opportunities in friggin Westarctica worked in part because he was somehow able to rent office space in a district full of embassies and diplomatic missions, lending credibility that would otherwise be hard to come by when the nation(s) he’s representing doesn’t have a Wikipedia pages. Cops seized four vehicles with fake diplomatic plates as well as 4.5 million Indian rupees ($52,095) and other foreign currencies in cash from the fugazi embassy. No word on whether there was a fake globe in there too or whether Westarctica is nearer to the North or South Poles. Seborga sounds Scandinavian though. Probably just pasted it over Denmark or maybe as a little island in the Baltic Sea somewhere around there.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune picked RNC chairman Mike Whatley, the second choice for his current post after stupid Ronna Not-Romney was finally decapitated last year, as his second choice to be the next North Carolina Senator after after stupid Lara Trump decided she didn’t want to risk losing to a popular two-term former gov in what could be a rough year for MAGA, Axios reports.

Of course being the not-actually-a-paper of record for a distinct subspecies of donor class douche who fondled with happy groans over their Youngkin 2024 fantasy on-and-off in 2023, Axios (not-incorrectly) identifies Whatley’s fundraising chops as secret sauce going into the race and does not at any point identify what other public, general elections Whatley has actually won.

Instead it’s a “thrilling” minute-by-minute recall of how Whatley 2026 was born. “Then, on July 16, Whatley attended a reception hosted by the Thune-aligned Senate Leadership Fund PAC. During the gathering, which was attended by about 75 top donors and senators, the Republican leader introduced Whatley as the party’s nominee for North Carolina Senate,” Axios writes like they think Robert A Caro might see it and send a handwritten note praising their masterful composition.

Republican Texas state Representative Giovanni Capriglione, fresh off his announcement that he won’t be running for reelection because of what that stripper blabbed about to MAGA website Current Revolt, tells the Texas Tribune in a statement that his last extramarital affair was “years ago” and that the other allegations like paying her and other women for sex are “categorically false and easily disproven” adding he had “never, nor would I ever, pay for an abortion.”

Oh wait he said “pay for an abortion” and not “get a donor or a staffer or someone to pay for the abortion of a fetus that was formed from my sperm.” Sharp dude, getting all precise with his language like that on that very specific assertion. Almost offsets the part where he said that it’s “easily disproven” as though he then immediately supplied a full ZIP file of the system image of every smartphone he’s ever owned, every phone bill, his email passwords, his bank accounts, credit card bills and any other conceivable method of not actually directly disproving it let alone “easily.”

But hey, a limited hangout where he quits politics because he fucked around on the side years ago, which seems awfully goddamned extra, is wage enough for the sin of his conservative values.

On some level this cunt is just trolling but he’s also saying what he really believes, that “for years government officials allowed those entities to dictate the political narrative” is a problem within the scope of policy and not like just making shit up about Hillary being on fucking horse tranquilizers. So if he really believes that then one day in the future there may just be a time when a Dem commissioner starts seeing the same remit and starts turning the screws on ISPs to get them to throttle any website that deliberately propagates misinformation aimed at changing political narratives.

Reminded that Stephen Colbert is a comedian and not a news anchor, Carr then said “Frankly, the media industry across this country needs a course correction.” On some level the MSM kind of deserves this deliberate and unsubtle threat given their “Yeah Trump is a fascist and plans on ending American democracy but Joe Biden’s really old and there are a lot of questions about Hunter,” bit from last year but seeing the Fourth Estate burned to the ground isn’t good.

Republican former Long Island Congressman George Santos is currently being driven upstate or is already upstate or is possibly entertaining a fantasy like in the end of Spike Lee’s 2002 classic 25th Hour in which he dreams of himself turning left and, as actor Brian Cox narrates, just keeps driving and driving and driving until he’s in a very desolate stretch of northern Nevada where he finds there’s a little burlesque place with a HELP WANTED sign in the window. Kitara will make all her money with cash, will live off grid. No one will know anything. They won’t even bother coming to look. All the customers forgot about George Santos and they wouldn’t even notice the resemblance under all the fabulous makeup anyway. And then in a few years Rosario Dawson will show up and join him so they can live and grow old and grey together platonically under the same roof…

Abrupt cut to a wide shot of the car passing the exit to go west on the George Washington Bridge and continuing north toward the seven year prison sentence. Fade to black. A Spike Lee joint.

NOAA’s satellites division chief Steve Volz agency deputy general counsel Jeff Dillen, who in 2019 were tasked with investigating then-and-now-again Trump ballsucker Acting Administrator Neil Jacob’s actions after the Sharpiegate debacle have been placed on leave from the agency in what this CNN article doesn’t actually just say the pretty fucking obvious: that it’s political retribution.

“It’s an interesting coincidence that less than a week before Neil Jacob’s senate committee vote, the two dedicated career civil servants who investigated him for scientific integrity violations around Sharpiegate were dismissed from service,” one former NOAA official is quoted to do that work that CNN, like so much of the rest our emasculated news media, won’t just do in their actual reporting.

Yeah, this is where the President of the United States is at right now, deflecting questions about his association with a sex trafficker by telling reporters to ask the former President of the United States about his association with said sex trafficker, as if these two lines of reporting could somehow be at cross-purpose with each other. That’s the route he took after telling them that an alleged coup attempt against him by a different former President of the United States is the bigger story but they just kept asking him about the sex trafficker in the earlier part of the series of above clips.

Somewhere in there is an actual policy statement where the president expressed a belief he could send out bribery checks to voters unilaterally and without prior approval by Congress. That’s after the part where Trump told reporters he could pardon Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell.

From a Manatee County, Florida Sheriff’s Office report on what happened after Douglas Naeher attacked his wife Stephanie and tossed her over the side of their boat: “In an attempt to save her own life, the victim said she pretended to be dead. She tried to slow her breathing and remain motionless so the Defendant would stop hitting her. Once he stopped hitting her, he dragged her by her hair to the rear of the boat and into the water. The Defendant then placed both hands around the victim’s throat attempting to strangle and drown her in the water. As he was doing this, he said ‘I’m going to fucking kill you!’ The victim stated she was gasping for air and salt water was coming out of her nose. The other vessel started coming closer to their location. The victim believes this is the reason the Defendant let go of her. He left the victim in the water battered and gasping for air.”

“He then put the boat in gear and started to drive. The victim was able to interlock her feet around the ladder at the rear of the vessel and hold on. The Defendant dragged the victim behind the boat for a short time. The victim was fighting to stay above the water. She believes the Defendant tried to leave her and didn’t realize she was hanging on. The Defendant eventually stopped the boat, and the victim climbed back in using the ladder. When the Defendant noticed she was back on the boat, he started to punch and stomp her body several more times. He then dragged her to the back of the boat and shoved ner overboard. The victim saw a rope dangling from the rear of the boat and wrapped it around her right ankle just before the Defendant started to drive away a second time.”

Americans were sick of what was often described as all the wars and global chaos under Joe Biden so they voted for Trump because he claimed that in his first term nothing like the regional conflicts between Israel and toddlers in Gaza or the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The pitch was that you wouldn’t see footage of Cambodian artillery firing rockets into civilian areas in Thailand, that Thai jets wouldn’t be bombing the positions of their neighboring country’s military, that who the hell knows how many American and other western tourists are at resorts mere fucking miles from a border that is now a live fire zone and some cowboys from an impoverished third-world country’s poorly-trained army might be making incursions toward these resorts at this very moment.

Brilliant campaigning. Dems had no good answer because, like virtually every other tentacle of the propaganda beast it was either largely or entirely unfalsifiable, and was more of a vibe thing. Like Thailand and Cambodia’s military leaders were too afraid of President Trump to fuck around like this.

Anyway, AFP reports that the Thai government has declared martial law in eight border provinces.

You do have to hand it to Republicans how, what in 2017 was pretty much conventional wisdom, that now-convicted felon President Trump had in his first campaign been aware that his minions were in a mutually beneficial relationship with the propaganda and hacking operations of the Russian state and had at the very least entertained dirt offered by their agents during a meeting at the Trump Tower, have in the years since obfuscated what was already a pretty complex timeline – with different gaps filled in at different times, involving the actions of hundreds of players, conflicting accounts – has been obfuscated and over-complicated into utter meaninglessness. Screaming “RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA” and “HOAX HOAX HOAX!” despite there being like a shit ton of circumstantial evidence that the basic contours of what was alleged were largely true also helped.

The problem is that nearly a decade of this shit means that stupid cocksuckers like this Congressman Rick Crawford from Oxycontin Holler, Arklatucky or wherever kind of lost the plot and is now asserting that Putin had no preference in the 2016 election and you can tell because he was keeping the powder dry on her use of horse tranquilizers to calm her fits of Caligulan rage.

This kid is so fucking stupid that to use the “Detective Pikachu” image in this article would imply that he made the crime hard to solve: WPRI reports 24 year-old Taunton, Massachusetts man Richard Jovahn Nunes has been charged with six felony counts of receiving stolen property valued at over $1,200 in connection with what was actually a spectacularly well-executed July 8th burglary at a card store in nearby New Bedford. Surveillance footage from 2:32 AM on the night in question shows a masked suspect smashing through the front door, then into a display case, shoving fucking $113,000+ worth of rare Pokemon cards into a backpack, and walking out within 30 seconds.

Given Nunes’s subsequent actions you can kind of start to see why prosecutors could be hesitant to charge him with the heist itself: He tried to sell them to other Pokemon fans locally, at least two of whom promptly reported it to police, leading to a search warrant and his arrest, all but doing the hard part of the job for law enforcement. Like holy shit, drive to goddamned Las Vegas or Seattle or Little Rock, Arkansas next April or May and post a Craigslist ad from your motel room. It’s not a fucking catalytic converter you ripped out of a Hyundai, you thirsty, thirsty subtard.

Fuck. What a moron and again it’s hard to imagine a textbook burglary that may not have ever been solved being all too easily and so stupidly undone on the theft side being the work of the same guy.

Officials in Thailand on Friday said thanks but no thanks and fuck off to third-party efforts to mediate the now skirmish-y conflict with neighboring Cambodia, Reuters reports.

House Republicans and their aides anonymously tell Politico they’re losing patience with dipshit Attorney General Pam Bondi five minutes ago and might complain some more privately if she doesn’t unfuck the Epstein situation somehow. They don’t actually know how but they’re freaking the hell out, as you might have seen from another Politico report includes quotes like “Democrats smelled blood in the water and they caught us flat-footed” on how this week went for the House GOP.

While they can’t do anything to get convicted felon President Trump to cut Bondi loose and even less so while Congress is out of town for the next 40-something days, they also cannot do anything to avoid having her testify in front of the House Judiciary Committee, a legal requirement. “She is in for a rough September at the very least,” said one House Republican anticipating the testimony. The second choice after Matt Gaetz “has very little time to turn this around,” asserted another.

“From pillar to post, handled this thing so badly and bizarrely,” a “senior House GOP aide” said, evidently not considering that, while it’s probably true that Bondi fucked this up, she just might have been following someone else’s orders. “It was tough to watch the whole thing. We were just like ‘What the fuck are they doing over there,'” the aide continued, getting closer to understanding it.

A longer follow-up to “There are no coincidences” and “There are no coincidences again” should’ve been done today and this clip would’ve been a perfect intro to it. Instead let’s just paste in Trump posting the same fucking thing the date-rapey idiot said above in a stupid Truth Social post and promise to come back to the whole non-coincidence of the present juncture in the MAGAverse: “The Radical Left Democrats are doing everything in their power to distract and obfuscate from our GREAT six months of service to America, results of which many are saying is the BEST six months in Presidential history. They have gone absolutely CRAZY, and are playing another Russia, Russia, Russia Hoax but, this time, under the guise of what we will call the Jeffrey Epstein SCAM. As things are revealed and, I hope will take place quickly, you will see that it is yet another Democrat CON JOB. Hopefully, the Grand Jury Files will put an end to this HOAX. Everyone should see what is there, but people who are innocent should not be hurt. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

“After many years Australia has agreed to accept American Beef! For a long time, and even though we are great friends, they actually banned our Beef. Now, we are going to sell so much to Australia because this is undeniable and irrefutable Proof that US Beef is the Safest and Best in the entire World. The other Countries that refuse our magnificent Beef are ON NOTICE. All of our Nation’s Ranchers, who are some of the hardest working and most wonderful people, are smiling today, which means I am smiling too. Let’s keep the Hot Streak going. IT’S THE GOLDEN AGE OF AMERICA!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday, solving all of America’s problems with one groundbreaking deal shattering a once impenetrable trade barrier down under.

Except for the fact that beef is now averaging an historic high of $6.12/pound so what the fuck does this idiot think is going to happen to that price IF there’s suddenly massive demand from Australia and all the other countries, real and imagined, that he’s trying to sell it to? Fat, stupid cunt.