Recent rumors have suggested that Staples – the office supply store chain tolerated by shoppers worldwide – is actually a front for a global human trafficking ring where underage sex slaves are bought and sold by politicians and celebrities. These rumors are unconfirmed, but they sound like something our audience might be into, so we’re going to report on this continually going forward. We’re not saying Staples is definitely a human trafficking ring, we’re just asking questions, because that’s what real journalism is. Asking questions.

We’ll probably do five to ten articles a day on Staples here, citing all sorts of different “experts” on human trafficking (but only ones with questionable histories of Anti-Semitic social media posts) until this picks up enough steam to become “Staplesgate” and National Zero becomes renowned as the “leading proponent of Staplesgate conspiracy theories” in the mainstream media. Then when some maniac goes on a shooting rampage in a Staples store somewhere in Colorado, killing a dozen employees and shoppers, we’ll say that this is horrible but obviously his mental illness is to blame. Or he played too many violent video games. But our reporting on Staplesgate won’t have anything to do with it, even if it’s specifically cited in his manifesto.

Because we’re not responsible. We definitely would not have induced or incited anyone to act out violently and believe they’re rescuing children by firing live rounds indiscriminately in an office supply store. It’s not our job to report the facts and let the reader decide. We just report. Even though we’re going to say repeatedly that somebody needs to do something about Staplesgate now and the Biden Administration is likely complicit in the abuse of children, it’ll be really the mainstream media’s fault for not listening to people concerned with Staplesgate. We’re not taking any responsibility for it. We’re anything but responsible.

And don’t you even think about trying to fucking cancel or censor us for reporting on Staplesgate you fucking fascist commies. You’re probably ordering children online at Staples.com right as you’re reading this. You’ll be very sorry about it. If you’re going to mess with our First Amendment rights then you better be ready for us to exercise another amendment.