National Zero’s twitter feed – the one we use to find stupid shit posted by Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jim Jordan, Lauren Boebert, Ted Cruz, and Matt Gaetz, etc – has seen a curious spike in soccer related news these last few days. Apparently the gist is that the really good teams like Manchester, Madrid, Milan, the other Manchester, the other Madrid, and the other Milan, among others, want to have their own separate league so they don’t have to play shitty teams.

This raises a lot of questions, like what the name of the current league is supposed to be, why they don’t have playoffs or a Super Bowl, what the fuck a “Juventus” is, why the crowd still cheers when the score is 0-0 after a half hour of playing, and why the teams don’t have any names.

That last one bothers me. Why the hell is Chelsea just “Chelsea” and not the “Chelsea Cobras” or something? You’d think a sports franchise worth billions would want to create even more merchandising opportunities than just the track jackets that their fans wear when stabbing the other teams’ fans with broken bottles. Why not a cuddly stuffed blue and yellow snake to draw younger fans into watching the game? These teams need names and they need them now.

In conclusion, European soccer is weird and too hard to follow. They should put the games on at 8pm EDT on Sunday nights if they want an American audience to watch and get into it.