For no reason in particular, I think it’s time we establish that the UK’s version of Republicans, the guys who call themselves “Tories” (which is a girls’ name here in America, e.g. Tori Spelling), are total British words for cigarettes. Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage, Dominic Cummings (lol), Boris Johnson, and Anthony Eden’s corpse all suck. Their fans, a bunch of inbred, crooked-toothed Union Jack-offs are even worse. They live in neo-Dickensian squalor, sitting on their fat asses, yelling at their girlfriends who all look like Sporty Spice impersonators to shut up while their favorite celebrity reality show is on the telly, only licking the brown vinegar and fry grease off their chubby fingers long enough it takes to for them to write a comment on America’s gift to the world, the internet.

Lucky for them they can write, however poorly, because otherwise they’re completely unintelligible when they talk. Why is it that an American can have a conversation with a British hillbilly, when both persons are speaking English, but only one of them can understand the other? How is it that we can crank out all these goddamned movies and television shows in American English, all of which these people consume, and yet they still talk in a way that requires a shit-ton of misspellings and apostrophes to transcribe in text? Fucking marble-mouthed wankers.

And what the hell kind of man has a haircut like Boris Johnson? Seriously, that dumpy bastard looks like he brought a yearbook from a special needs school circa 1995 to his barber and pointed to the fourth grade valedictorian’s pic as a guideline. Next G7 they all need to just hold him down and shave his head with a Norelco. Biden can do the honors while Trudeau and Macron hold his arms.