Patriot Mobile, a wireless carrier we’ve never heard of before until we came across a sponsored listing when trying to find out if the Freedom Phone’s price has dropped yet, bills itself as “America’s ONLY Christian conservative wireless provider” on its website but doesn’t actually explain what makes the mobile phone service it offers so Christian and Conservative.

True, the marketing is heavy on touting their contributions to charitable causes aligned with the Conservative movement, like veterans’ support groups and Wayne LaPierre’s gun-themed slush fund, but that’s just what Patriot Mobile the company does. There’s nothing evident in the actual service itself that differentiates it from Cricket Wireless, the gold standard in shitty off-brand wireless service advertised on Fox News in the daytime. It’s not like Patriot Mobile blocks out secular, leftist content like PornHub or Grindr or CNN. Users can watch all the smut and “fake news” they want, and arrange anonymous homosexual encounters just as if it were AT&T or Verizon.

Worse, the phones they offer are just regular iPhones, Samsungs, and Motorolas, none of which come preloaded with Parler, GETTR, Rumble, or the OANN or Newsmax apps or even an American flag background. There’s no Freedom Phone, unless you want to buy it separately (use discount code “FreedomPhone” or “JohnSolomon” or “CharlieKirk” for $50 off) and have Patriot Mobile mail you a SIM card to install yourself if you want the full blown MAGA mobile experience. So lame.