Are you a Republican politician short on time and needs a speech to commemorate Black History Month in a pinch? Well have we got a boilerplate written by another mediocre white guy for you, sir!

Ahem. Thank you everyone for joining me here today in beautiful Rustville in the great state of Miowa. As we celebrate Governor Shitler signing the Voter Freedom and Integrity Act of 2022 which prohibits mail-in voting, ballot drop boxes, and polling places within 5 miles of a public bus route, and establishes a strict but completely opaque dress code inside polling places – this includes certain ‘urban’ hairstyles – we’re reminded of the freedoms that we do still give to Black Americans. Like educational choice. If Black parents don’t like what we’re teaching or not teaching to their children, then they’re free to home-school them. Or just not-school them. Whatever.

Because freedom is what’s really important here during Black History Month. If it hadn’t been for us Republicans liberating you from the Democrats, you’d all still be… Oh wait, shit… Never mind that part. We still offer hope and opportunity. After all, it’s Democrats who want to keep you on the planta… Fuck. Anyway, Black History is really important. Like did you know that in over a dozen states, including this one, we banned teaching all of the distressing and upsetting parts of it?

That’s right! Your children, plus all of the white children in their schools don’t need to be made to feel uncomfortable or even guilty by telling them all the bad stuff that happened to Black people. Because there was none. Every Black American is very happy and very prosperous relative to real Americans. Oh you know what I meant. Let’s not stand here debating this all day and night like Frederick Douglas and Abraham Lincoln did four score and seven years ago.

Because as Doctor Martin Luther King once said, he had a dream. A dream that all lives would matter, equally. A dream that someday an elected Republican could join hands with the Ku Klux Klan in peace and friendship to get their votes and donations. They have lots of important, differing perspectives to offer us too. Together we look forward to a brighter, whiter tomorrow.

You’re welcome Republicans. Royalty fees here, via PayPal. And if any of you cheating pricks steal this speech without paying up first we’re hiring Sidney Powell to sue your asses.