Whoa! BREAKING NEWS! The crazy asshole who shot and killed four people before taking his own life at a hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma on Wednesday is a registered Democrat! It says it right here on VoterRecords.com that Michelet “Michael” Louis, 45, of Muskogee, Oklahoma is a registered Democrat AND a website called CreativeHipHop.com says he’s Black too! Louis is officially a “violent radical leftist”! And even though his motive was reportedly revenge on an orthopedic surgeon Dr Preston Philips – also Black – for an allegedly botched surgery that left Louis in crippling pain, at least one of the other three victims was white, so it’s a race thing!

This definitively proves that right wing white nationalist terrorism isn’t a problem because mentally unhinged Black Democrat gun owners commit mass shootings too! See libs? Why aren’t you doing anything about your voters? You libs say MAGA hatters are the violent ones but this one largely isolated incident will be milked for years as a “What about” counterexample every time some 4chaner posts a “Replacement” manifesto shortly before racking up a double digit body count.

Wednesday’s attack also shows we must arm doctors and nurses to keep hospitals safe from mentally ill people who listen to too much rap music and play lots of Halo and Call of Duty. Patients should be equipped with pistols as soon as they’re admitted to any medical facility. They’re the last line of defense against other patients. Maternity wards will also need to be supplied with tiny derringer-like pistols taped to newborns’ hands so they can defend themselves in the event of a shooting. And while they’re at it, Oklahoma Republicans should also figure out how to equip fetuses with even smaller versions of these derringers so they can protect themselves from abortion.