“Tim Michels is a very successful businessman running for Governor of the Great State of Wisconsin. During my Administration, Tim served on my infrastructure task force, and helped us plan and start building the Keystone XL Pipeline before Joe Biden launched his assault on American Energy production. The current Governor, Tony Evers, has been an abject failure for the people of Wisconsin, from his abysmal handling of the China Virus, where lockdowns were unprecedented, to rampant crime across the State,” proclaimed the Orange Allah in a Thursday night statement.

We were unaware of the existence of a Tim Michels until this endorsement was announced. Our understanding was that the Wisconsin GOP gubernatorial primary field consisted of shitbrain “front-runner” former Lt Governor Rebecca Kleefisch, douchebag 2018 Senate loser Kevin Nicholson, and 2020 election “decertification” guru Assemblyman Timmy Ramthun, all three of whom we laugh at heartily for their misery at losing out on their God’s affections. It’s possible that like the “infrastructure task force” he supposedly served on that “Tim Michels” himself only exists on paper, a fictional character invented to make it look like the Trump White House was actually working on infrastructure instead of fucking off and leaving it to Biden to get passed.

In that case Trump might as well pad Michels’ resume and say he was the mastermind of the great new healthcare plan he got passed, architect of the towering border wall for which Mexico paid every cent of labor and material costs, and served with distinction as his ambassador to Nambia.