Are you a Trump voter who didn’t watch Biden’s Thursday night speech but still have strong opinions about it? Want some talking points and material to get an edge when arguing with libtards about how it was the most terrifying speech ever? Great, because National Zero is here to help!
President Biden opened by dancing awkwardly to “YMCA” as the crowd sang along. It was kind of stupid and weird that he would dance to an anthem about casual gay sex, but the libs in the audience loved it. Biden then said he’ll pardon any Antifa rioter who wants to attack the Supreme Court or Fox News headquarters because they’re patriots fighting against injustice and oppression.
Turning to the upcoming Midterms, Biden said he’s done more in two years than any other president in history with 97% approval among Democrats. He’s the most popular Democrat President since FDR. “A lot of people don’t know FDR was a Democrat,” said Biden, before going into details about he’s ordering FEMA and the FBI to observe voting in rural areas of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Arizona, and other states where Republicans might be tempted to cheat. “They’re going to be checking vaccination cards and if they don’t have them or if they’re fake then the shooting starts,” said Biden, adding “Sorry, should’ve voted by mail if you’re not vaccinated.”
“You know, 12 years ago, I was honored, believe it or not, the Man of the Year, and I was never thinking about doing this, the Man of the Year in Pennsylvania,” said Biden, adding he was born there in the Keystone State, “a lot of people don’t know that.” Biden then said he’ll be very upset, very angry, and never come back to Pennsylvania if they elect that radical fascist Doug Mastriano for governor. “What a stupid son of a bitch,” Biden said of the Republican candidate. “Cryin Doug Mastriano.” Biden then mocked the former Army officer, saying “‘BOO HOO! PRESIDENT TRUMP LOST SO NOW I’M GOING TO WASHINGTON TO PROTEST IT ON JANUARY 6TH!’ What a jackass!”
“LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!” the crowd chanted as Biden ginned and pumped his fist along with their cadence. “I told Merrick Garland… Great guy, wonderful patriot, really smart… You know he told me… You know what he told me? He says to me ‘Sir, I want to remain politically neutral in investigations and go only where the law leads us,’ and I told him ‘Look Merrick, just go after them and you’ll find something. They’re criminals. They belong in jail,’ and with tears in his eyes Merrick said ‘Sir, thank you. I was praying you would say that,'” said Biden reenacting a conversation between himself and the Attorney General. “So that’s when I told him to investigate Donald Trump and Doug Mastriano. It was a big moment. Really big because we already found out that Trump stole those classified documents. That’s a big fucking deal!”
Biden wrapped up by saying he was excited to use federal money to send ice creams trucks to meet voters outside of polling places in important districts and states, that they would receive a $10 credit for anything they wanted on the truck if they show a picture of their ballot with only Democrat candidates filled in, adding that Article II of the constitution allows him to do it.
National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’re done falsely confirming the biases of our right wing readers who didn’t actually watch but want to react to Biden’s speech.