Yeah we’re going to preface this article with another insufferable “self-affirmation” of our dedication to not covering what we subjectively deem to be extraneous bullshit: We liked and respected Queen Elizabeth, she was an exemplary leader and we will again express our deepest condolences to the British Commonwealth people on their loss. That said, we’re Americans, she wasn’t our queen, we were proud to not join the MSM’s fucking wall-to-wall coverage of her funeral and her son’s accession and then the goddamned death certificate revealing that she died of old age. Like wow, holy shit, a 96 year old woman died of old age. Next you’re going to tell us a woman whose number one hit song was about not going to rehab died of alcohol poisoning.

That said, earlier this month we pledged we would cover anything related to Elizabeth’s death we deemed to have actual political significance (or at least was entertaining) and damned if this new report in the Daily Beast doesn’t hold up to that standard: A friend of the Queen says they believe she purposely stayed in Scotland when she knew the end was near in order to save the union amid Kilt Country’s ongoing agitation for independence from the United Kingdom.

“She was frail and there was an argument that she should be back in Windsor where it is significantly easier to get hospital treatment,” said the unnamed friend. “Of course she had access to medics at Balmoral, but nothing like at Windsor. Balmoral is very isolated, but that is where she wanted to be, precisely because she thought the end might be near. She planned to die in Scotland to save the union.” Others are not so sure, especially given the Scottish National Party’s semi-firm commitment to remaining a realm of the Commonwealth in the event of independence, but it sure was a hell of shrewd move if Elizabeth did it on purpose. There’s definitely some kind of chess metaphor in there that we’re not bold enough to attempt because we’ve never played the game.