United States public health and law enforcement officials on Tuesday did not provide an update on the death toll of the Great American Halloween 2022 Rainbow Fentanyl Disguised as Trick or Treat Candy epidemic which, by all reports, currently stands at zero. “Children foaming at the mouth were dropping dead in the street left and right. Our morgues are overwhelmed. The lime rainbow fentanyl seemed to be the most popular flavor,” Essex County New Jersey Sheriff Armando Fontoura did not tell National Zero in a statement. “My neighbor’s kid Connor said strawberry was actually better just before he passed, still wearing his little Mandalorian costume,” Fontoura did not add.

“Taste the rainbow”

President Biden did not declare a national emergency to provide state and local officials with refrigerated trailers to hold the bodies of the young victims or distribute narcan to the families of children who would not yet have eaten the rainbow fentanyl still in their little Jack-o-lantern trick-or-treat. “This is a tragedy unparalleled in American history,” President Biden did not say in a solemn speech broadcast nationally. “If only we had listened to Fox News when they warned us to cancel Halloween because of the clear and present threat. I hereby resign and declare former President Trump my successor. He’s much tougher on rainbow fentanyl,” Biden did not conclude in the speech. Stay tuned to National Zero for all the latest updates on the Great American Halloween 2022 Rainbow Fentanyl Disguised as Trick or Treat Candy epidemic.