“CPAC is being terrorized by a demon self-described as The Daily Beast, The good news is the leadership of CPAC knows how the epic battle against the Beast ends. I’d short the stock,” says dick-grabbing CPAC chief Matt Schlapp through his publicist in a response to a request for comment from the Beast for their story on how Schlapp and his wife Mercedes brought in a Catholic priest to perform an exorcism on the right wing fan-con’s headquarters last spring after a group of junior employees resigned en masse in protest of the asshole’s deranged behavior in the workplace.

The funny thing is the story’s already been confirmed by general counsel David Safavian, who tweeted “Now that we’ve performed an exorcism on a recently vacated office, I’m enjoying my new private cigar lounge,” with a pic of an office building’s roof deck on May 11, 2022. A source tells the Beast that, on top of the usual sprinkling of holy water and blessing the remaining staff, the rite included a “performative” prayer circle in Schlapp’s office. “As the priest made his way through the office, spritzing holy water room to room, employees nudged him towards Matt’s office. The way he had treated junior employees, it seemed to us like he was the one who needed it the most.”

The priest placed medallions to Saint Benedict, the patron of exorcisms above each doorway in the office, a talisman meant for, among other spiritual benefits, “a prayer for strength in time of temptation.” Obviously it didn’t work out, seeing what temptation did to Matt just five months later.