Two large asteroids will most likely survive a close call with a destructive celestial body astronomers call “Earth” during near orbital conjunctions on Thursday and Saturday, according to a pair of European Space Agency bulletins on 2011 UL21 and 2024 MK. The space rocks will avoid being obliterated by the atmosphere and surface of the monstrous blue orb by distances of 6.6 million and 295,000 kilometers, respectively. Thursday’s asteroid, 2011 UL21, would have more mass to lose were it to careen into the hellish planet believed to be ruled by hyper-intelligent rodents called “capybaras” who deceive and manipulate lesser mammalian forms via psychic energy waves.