Hey everyone who fantasizes openly on the internet about moving to some desolate rock in the middle of nowhere if Trump gets elected again – or doing it anyway – here’s some material for that pointless, time-wasting daydream of moving to a place with no internet! Or people. Or anything other than what you can drag with you. Literally the first word of the lengthy pitch for a concrete dungeon on a desolate rock by K Allan Properties’ in Kirkwall, Orkney, Scotland is “Imagine”!
“Imagine living [see?] on this stunning uninhabited island, a place of serene beauty and complete solitude. Copinsay, one of the enchanting Orkney Islands off the east coast of mainland Scotland, offers an unparalleled lifestyle opportunity. This property within this uninhabited island is now available for those seeking an extraordinary retreat. Requiring renovation works [which in non-real estate agent-ese means “complete wreck”], this property presents the perfect opportunity for someone seeking a solitary lifestyle with a blank canvas to create a space they can truly call home.”
“The main building, a charming [Holy shit, look at this, lol] two-story structure, serves as a perfect haven for those desiring solitude or an extraordinary getaway. Complementing the main house are practical outbuildings, including a shed by the pier and a tractor shed, providing ample storage space. Modern conveniences ensure comfortable living in this remote paradise. Benefit from a fully restored private well [that’s modern?], complete with a generator-operated electric pump, ensuring a reliable water supply. The property is equipped with Calor gas heating for cozy comfort. Solar panels, which require fitting onto the property, will harness the power of the sun [and you know how sunny it gets on remote islands in the North Sea], and large storage batteries ensure consistent electricity availability. With previously approved planning permission (which has now lapsed) [and good luck with that paperwork] for a wind turbine between the helipad and the house, there’s significant potential to expand your eco-friendly living setup [no, the lighthouse itself isn’t included].”
“Exclusive access and transportation are assured with the convenience of two helicopter pads, which is beneficial for those looking to learn to fly. Additionally, the property includes two quad bikes and a Pico sailing dinghy, enhancing your exploration and enjoyment of the island.”
It keeps going but we guess we’ll cut it off there with the part about the helicopter pads. And where they didn’t say anything like “Just a 25 minute boat ride to the nearest 7-Eleven” or whatever 24 hour convenience store chain they have in Scotland. Usually real estate listings tend to include some details about the neighborhood and distance to certain infrastructure and necessities.
They could at least explain why the solar panels are on a mattress in front of a window indoors. Like is that their actual operational position because the wind and rain would wreck them outside?
Anyway it’s only $103,287 USD and you could probably haggle with them in your imagination if this is going to be your backup plan for Project 2025. Just don’t look up the Flannan Isles Lighthouse.