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Bobby Kennedy Jr needed for chainsaw job in Norway

“Hvaldimir,” the white Beluga whale suspected of being a Russian-trained spy mammal – on account of him being strapped with a camera-mounter harness that said “Equipment St Petersburg” in Cyrillic – has turned up dead in one of the Norwegian fjords he was known to frequent over the past five years or so, the Associated Press reports on a chainsaw gig for Robert F Kennedy Jr.

The 14-foot long whale – whose nickname was a clever portmanteau of hvald (“whale” in Norwegian) and Vladimir, for his boss, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin – was a beloved figure who enjoyed playing with locals despite his ostensible mission to spy on Norwegian civil and military infrastructure, known to follow people around and even respond to hand signals.

“Unfortunately, we found Hvaldimir floating in the sea. He has passed away but it’s not immediately clear what the cause of death is,” said marine biologist Sebastian Strand, who told local media he had examined the whale’s corpse and found no evidence of external injuries. Strand said he’d been following Hvaldimir’s movements for the past three years and was deeply affected by his death. “It’s absolutely horrible,” Strand said, adding that the whale had seemed happy and healthy. “He was apparently in good condition as of (Friday). We have to figure out what might have happened here.”

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