A source at the Apple Store in Downtown Brooklyn on Thursday informed National Zero that most staff members – the source himself included – had to clock in at 6 AM Friday ahead of an 8 AM special opening for the launch of the newest generation of iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch models.

The source said he anticipated a busy morning and maybe some mild headaches while moving the newest devices but, as a longtime retail employee of the tech brand’s storefronts, nothing even remotely on the scale of the blocks-long lines and instant sellout launches of the early years of the world’s most popular smartphone and – to a lesser extent – its associated tablets and smartwatches.

While we’re pretty confident the source was not savagely beaten to death, much less even threatened with it by hardcore Apple nerds, we’re far less certain the same can be said of the hotly anticipated launch of the Huawei Mate XT – also debuting on Friday – where Huawei superfans were fucking PISSED that the $2,800 USD tri-foldable smartphone was available only to customers who had preordered, with one outside of a store telling Reuters he had “been here since 10 pm last night because this tri-folding phone is a first and I’m excited to support our country.”

Sales of Huawei products, by the way, are completely banned from the United States for who the hell knows what kind of insane espionage tech they embed in their shit, making it all the more fucking hilarious that they have fanboys and patriotic ones to boot. Flipping the cliche of the domestic Apple dickwad into one slavishly devoted to the tech front of the evil Chinese communist empire is about as uninspired of a joke as it gets – thus why the reality is so goddamned funny. Like another guy literally said “Chinese people need to support (Huawei). Our Huawei phones currently lag behind in terms of technology and chips, but it’s this gap that calls for our support.”

One scalper told Reuters she was selling the fastest model of the Mate XT for $21,290, which on top of the overall obvious embrace of western consumer culture, just shows how much of Chinese “communism” is complete horseshit. It’s a dictatorship and a fascist police state with the added touch of Huawei fan chodes eagerly subsidizing the company’s role in foreign espionage operations.