“For a country that seems evenly divided over politics and polarized about many cultural issues, a durable majority does agree about one thing: They don’t like the Biden presidency. And despite the machinations that resulted in President Joe Biden’s not being on the ballot this election season, his unpopularity is still the mood music of this election,” chittered Chuck Todd while he gnawed on a stale, half-eaten mozzarella stick someone dropped on a subway platform three days ago.

“From his border policy to the economy he has been presiding over to turmoil overseas, there isn’t a lot about the Biden years that voters love in this moment. It’s why former President Donald Trump has basically a 50-50 chance to return to the White House, just four years after voters fired him,” the NBC host continued after he took a break from typing to lick his forelimbs to groom his whiskers.

“Bottom line: It’s clearer now in hindsight – and perhaps it would have been regardless of that ill-fated debate performance – that Biden simply didn’t have a winning hand to run on. All he had was harnessing backlash over Jan 6 and abortion, and while both issues do resonate with a significant chunk of the electorate, those two issues alone couldn’t get him to the finish line. But while Biden isn’t on the ballot anymore, voters are certainly feeling his presence. If there’s one thing it’s clear they don’t want, it’s a candidate who reminds them of Biden. Let’s set the scene…” Todd wrote before his hypersensitive nostrils detected the scent of stray cat on the prowl. Todd then skittered away, leaving his mate and offspring to fend for themselves against the hungry predator.