An Akron, Ohio judge on Monday sentenced a man to 9 to 12 years in the joint for shooting another man in the face for refusing to share his potato chips, the Akron Beacon Journal reports on Melvin Wright’s next adventure after pleading guilty to attempted murder over the November 2023 incident.

The brand and specific flavor of potato chips was not mentioned in the article. Like of course it was excessive, because who the hell shoots someone else over goddamned potato chips? However, we’re talking about scale here. If it was just plain Ruffles then yeah, it was really excessive. Those are greasy as hell and simply fuck up your mouth. Plain Lays too. Not as bad on your mouth but still just garbage. Either of those in BBQ flavor is just masking the shittiness. Sour cream and onion masks the shittiness too, however it does a much better job of it. Still can’t eat too many though.

Now if this was a bag of some “kettle chips” like Cape Cod or some other white people brand? Okay, it’s still attempted murder and a horrible crime to shoot a guy in the freaking face – excessive any way you slice it. Just maybe slightly less so. And then if there’s a sea salt plus malt vinegar flavor involved? It’s like 90, 95 percent as excessive as it would’ve been if it were Lays or Ruffles or Utz or, ugh, Wise as the baseline here. And 125 percent excessive if it was those fucking “Andy Capp Fries.”

Good God those suck. And technically those aren’t “chips” anyway unless you’re British. Oh and fuck those “Pop Chips.” Those are so goddamned lame it should’ve been an automatic life sentence.