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United Healthcare hires new CEO

United Healthcare has a new CEO after former chief Brian Thompson was abruptly terminated by an unforeseen adjustment to the company’s leadership team last month, CNBC reports.

New CEO Tim Noel is an internal hire, promoted from leading the team in charge of the insurer’s Medicare Advantage plans, which CNBC notes “have been the source of skyrocketing costs for insurers,” and thus policy holders constantly getting fucked over by nihilistic pencil pushers.

Noel “brings unparalleled experience to this role with a proven track record and strong commitment to improving how health care works for consumers, physicians, employers, governments and our other partners,” UHC said in a statement on their website. It’s not clear what if anything Noel will actually do to address the root causes of Luigi Mangione getting famous. Just about the only change of note that UHC had undertaken since Thompson’s assassination is taking down their executive leadership page and given the C-suite security details, the freaking pussies.

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