It appears that Texas MAGA Congressman Ronny “Dr Feelgood” Jackson is a subscriber to Paramount+, the streaming service jam-packed with hit exclusive series like Yellowstone, its prequels 1883 and 1923, NCIS, NCIS: Hawaii, NCIS: Australia (awesome choices for a Navy man like Jackson), FBI, FBI: International, the all-new pulse-pounding original streaming-only movie Star Trek: Section 31, starring Michelle Yeoh, action-comedy Sonic The Hedgehog, as well as family hits like PAW Patrol: The Mighty Movie, Boss Baby: Family Business (Alec Baldwin as the voice of a baby! What a hoot!), and Henry Danger: The Movie, based on the hit Nickelodeon series, to name just a few options the bottomless value that Paramount+ provides to TV watchers.

Like most people, Jackson definitely didn’t read the fine print on the Paramount+ terms of service when he signed up. After all, who really cares about a bunch of boring jargon like, for example, the part specifying users are bound to arbitration if they file a lawsuit against Paramount or any of its subsidiaries. But who can blame them? It’s a subscription that costs $12.99 a month, not a mortgage or a car loan or an insurance policy or anything actually impactful on one’s life and finances. The clause is there simply in case some Trekkie sues for $1.26 billion because he thinks Section 31 stole its script from some fan fiction he wrote and Paramount screws up and forgets to send a lawyer to the hearing ending in a default judgment. Don’t laugh, that happened to Pepsi.

All of that was no doubt very far from Jackson’s mind when he would regularly kick back with some muscle relaxers and vodka after a hard day of washing down 50 mg of dexadrine with Lone Star and sending an aide to go get pick up another bottle of mouthwash because he spilled it all on his keyboard while they were trying to calm him down following a scene in which he threatened to fight a high school kid who he definitely heard say “Fuck you Ronny!” outside the Capitol even if no one else did. That’s the perfect time to plop down on the couch, click the Paramount+ app, and then pass out before he even picked out something to start playing, then waking up to his TV still glowing idly on the home screen and trying to figure out if that’s sweat or urine on his pants.

Because if he had known about the arbitration clause he probably might not have signed on as a co-plaintiff to convicted felon President Trump’s amended complaint against CBS News, in which Donald also bumped the damages sought from $10 billion to $20 billion, accusing them of attempting to interfere in the 2024 election by applying some standard edits to former Vice President Kamala Harris’s interview with 60 Minutes – the one Trump refused to sit for even though it’s been tradition for however many cycles for both candidates to appear on the show in October.

In a joint scheduling proposal filed in the case this week, Paramount/CBS’s lawyers wrote that Trump and Jackson “do not allege any injury whatsoever to Representative Ronny Jackson, who has plainly been added in a vain attempt to create a nexus to the forum (and who in any event agreed to arbitrate this claim),” that last bit making it clear that yeah, he’s a Paramount+ subscriber.

Which is a problem.

On October 5th, 2023, a Long Island woman named Kanokporn Tangsuan collapsed and died after eating at the Raglan Road Irish Pub and Restaurant in Disney Springs, Florida. She had told staff at the restaurant of her severe food allergies repeatedly and well you can figure out the rest of the story. Her husband Jeffrey Piccolo sued for wrongful death, to which Disney responded by pointing out he had agreed to binding arbitration… when he signed up for a Disney+ subscription.

The case remained in court (and reportedly their defense is doomed because Piccolo saved the leftovers in a freezer), but it wasn’t through any ruling but their caving to simple public backlash to what any decent person would think was fucking ghoulish as it was weasely.

Hard to see Paramount taking the same heat with Jackson for making the same move (if anything they were going to light themselves on fire if they settled this sick joke of a lawsuit). Since Disney dropped it before taking it further it’s unclear how solid the argument is. Obviously it’s far more germane than the Disney situation since Paramount+ airs 60 Minutes and all other national CBS content live through the app. The amended complaint literally says ” a substantial part of the events or omissions giving rise to Plaintiffs’ claims occurred in this District by virtue of the Interview being transmitted by Defendants into this District through Paramount+ and on YouTube, and through KTVT, KTXA, KFDA, and other local Defendant CBS affiliates, including to Representative Jackson.”

So if it works, the funniest thing is will have been that the whole point of Trump adding him as a plaintiff was a bid for a favorable venue, the “vain attempt to create a nexus to the forum” mentioned by Paramount, and “transmitted by Defendants into this District,” not so much mentioned but hammered again and again and again by Trump and Jackson in the amended complaint, the whole point being to get it in front of notorious piece of shit MAGA Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk.

“As noted above, Plaintiffs lack constitutional standing to bring this case. Even if there were jurisdiction, venue is improper in this District because a substantial part of the events or omissions giving rise to the claim did not occur in the Northern District of Texas; the interview with Vice President Harris was filmed and edited entirely outside Texas, and Plaintiffs do not even allege that they watched the interview in Texas. If the complaint is not dismissed for lack of jurisdiction or improper venue, it should be transferred to the Southern District of New York,” CBS’s lawyers wrote.

All said, Trump really better fucking hope the binding arbitration clause kicks in from Jackson or Kacsmaryk punts it to SDNY or something because CBS/Paramount do not sound like they’re going to make discovery easy. “Defendants believe discovery is needed into President Trump’s personal financials, as well as the financials of Donald Trump’s 2024 campaign organizations and of Trump Media & Technology Group, including with respect to Truth Social and the $TRUMP meme crypto project. Defendants further anticipate that discovery will be needed into President Trump’s legal relationship, if any, with the Donald J Trump for President 2024 campaign and the Trump Media & Technology Group. Discovery is also needed into, inter alia, whether Plaintiffs have purchased goods or services from Defendants (and whether Rep Jackson agreed to arbitrate claims relating to CBS’ services); what confusion (if any) was created by the interview and actions taken in connection with such confusion; whether Plaintiffs relied upon any alleged misrepresentation in taking any action or failing to take any action; and the basis for the damages alleged,” they wrote in the proposal.