At least seven of the sources cited in the footnotes of Brainwormed HHS Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr’s “MAHA report” – which he lauded as a “gold-standard” roadmap to improving American public health policy in the 21st century – do not “appear to exist at all,” according to a review by NOTUS that does not mention AI-generated text but how the hell else would the idiot’s team have handed in a paper rife with that very telltale and distinct kind of laziness and dumbassery?

“The paper cited is not a real paper that I or my colleagues were involved with,” Epidemiologist Katherine Keyes told NOTUS via email when asked if she ever wrote the MAHA report’s cited works studying the occurrence of anxiety in adolescents. “We’ve certainly done research on this topic, but did not publish a paper in JAMA Pediatrics on this topic with that co-author group, or with that title.”

The study, which ChatGPT or some other AI chatbot titled, “Changes in mental health and substance abuse among US adolescents during the COVID-19 pandemic,” was printed out with a URL pointing to a PDF that does not and never did exist, but at least it was smart enough to attribute it to a real scientist. Even better: The real research the AI cited made some deeply misleading interpretations or flat out misstatements of the findings, such as one citation of a study that found “antipsychotic prescriptions for children increased by 800 percent between 1993 and 2009,” actually found an eight-fold increase from 1995 to 2005. Which would mean that for even Team Brainworms’ evident aim of discrediting psychiatric meds – because Xenu and Thetans or whatever the hell it is – they actually undersold it by lengthening the period in which the increase occurred. Fucking morons.