“A Villager ruined more than $10,000 worth of Spam and Vienna sausages by urinating on pallets of the products at Sam’s Club,” says the lede to a Tuesday story at Villages-News.com, copied verbatim because there’s no way to improve upon that which as already achieved perfection.

According to an arrest affidavit, a woman happened upon the urinator in “Aisle 18” of the warehouse retailer’s location in the Village of Lady Lake, exposing his Vienna sausage and emptying it onto the processed meat products on the morning of May 30th. She took a cell phone video and alerted staff, who quickly found surveillance footage of the man having “walked up to two pallets, facing the shelf, placed both hands in front of him below the belt line, and stood there for several seconds,” per the affidavit. Cops concluded was “behavior consistent with urination” as though that need be said.

“Managers inspected the damage to the 188 units of 18-count Vienna sausages and the 345 units of 8-count Spam Classic. They concluded that because the products had been contaminated with bodily fluid, they would need to be thrown out. The merchandise had a total value of $10,584,” says the next paragraph of the Villages-News story, which also must remain preserved here verbatim.

Reviewing more footage, management then traced the urinator’s steps back to when he scanned his card to enter the store, determining him to be 70 year-old Patrick Francis Mitchell, who had since returned home from his errand at Sam’s Club. A warrant was issued and served at Mitchell’s house where police effected his arrest on charges of criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. Mitchell is free on $3,000 bond. The only thing that could’ve made this story more classic Villages is if he was a registered Republican. Sadly, VoterRecords.com lists both him and wife Selene as having “No Party Affiliation,” which does not foreclose the possibility he is MAGA so much as leave it ambiguous.