“Junior’s Restaurant and Bakery, the iconic New York institution known for serving the ‘World’s Most Fabulous Cheesecake,’ is going big for National Cheesecake Day with sweet deals for fans everywhere. On Wednesday, July 30, cheesecake lovers can celebrate with major savings across Junior’s restaurants, bakeries, and online store: In-Restaurant: $5.00 off any slice with the purchase of a breakfast, lunch, or dinner entrée (dine-in or take-out),” says a press release from the “iconic” diner on Flatbush Ave in Downtown Brooklyn where the food actually sucks worse than at some of the dumpiest Greek-owned places in Astoria. And yet everyone’s under this collective delusion that allows the place to justify charging $9.25 a slice of a goddamned cheesecake that you may be surprised to learn does not, in fact, cure metastatic cancer, despite the implications.

“National Cheesecake Day is our Super Bowl. We wanted to go big this year, give back to our fans across the New York area and around the country, thank them for 75 amazing years, and make it easy for everyone to enjoy a slice of what we do best,” the press release quotes “Alan Rosen, third-generation owner of Junior’s,” and yeah this is what he and his staff do best: marketing a sub-mediocre diner into mythic status and charge fucking $17.50 for a burger for the privilege of paying $5 less for a slice of cheesecake you could mistake for Sara Lee in a blind taste test.