Tough call on the headline there. Wanted to go with “MAHA” instead of “QAnon” as tribute to Bobby Brainworms’ claiming that “Wifi radiation opens up your blood-brain barrier so all these toxins that are in your body can now go into your brain” on other stupid asshole Joe Rogan’s show a few years ago – plus “Make Afghanistan Healthy Again” is right there – but that wifi dumbassery is still pretty deep in Bobby Kennedy Jr’s catalog of greatest batshit stupid conspiracy theory hits.

QAnon’s the more natural, if slightly less daring choice, just sub wifi with 5G here, especially given the metaphysical element of “immortality” that would be right at home with a shit ton of just absolute fucking weirdness over the years from those freaks. So yeah, the AP reports that Taliban Supreme Leader Hibatullah Akhundzada has ordered a ban on wifi, but only in the northern Balkh province, enforcing that ban by simply ending cable internet access, meaning that if your device is hardwired via Cat-5 then well too bad. “This measure was taken to prevent immorality, and an alternative will be built within the country for necessities,” said Balkh provincial government spokesman Haji Attaullah Zaid, who the AP notes gave zero further info or details whatsoever.

Mobile data, possibly carried on 5G waves, still works in the province. Nobody has any idea what the hell’s going on and a local who asked not to be named for fear of getting murdered by the Taliban said “Blocking the internet is beyond my comprehension in such an advanced era.”