An investigation by a Dallas-area outlet “into Senator John Cornyn’s legislative record and his daughter Haley Cornyn’s lobbying career reveals a pattern of overlap: as Haley’s employers and clients benefit from key federal decisions, her father’s Senate actions often align to advance their interests. The overlap between the two has raised mounting questions about influence peddling, conflicts of interest, allegations of pay-to-play influence peddling, and whether public office is being quietly used to enrich the Cornyn family. Senator John Cornyn has long portrayed himself as a crusader for integrity in Washington, most notably in 2022, when he called for full accountability in the Hunter Biden corruption scandal,” the very plugged-in Texas outlet writes in the lede to their story, provocatively headlined “Does John Cornyn Have His Own ‘Hunter Biden’ Problem?”

“‘There is no way of knowing the entire scope of the investigation, but evidence seems to be mounting that Hunter Biden committed numerous federal crimes, including, but not limited to, tax fraud, money laundering, and foreign-lobbying violations,’ Cornyn said at the time, joining 32 other Senate Republicans. Yet even as Cornyn was publicly demanding accountability for alleged influence-peddling in the Biden family, his own daughter was quietly engaged in a career that raises strikingly similar ethical questions,” the story continues, weaponizing Cornyn’s own words in the tried-and-true “rules for thee, not for me” gold standard of accountability journalism.

Now which dogged, independent, left-coded “.org” site largely by and for Subaru-driving lesbians cranked out this article while Cornyn runs for his fifth term you ask? Funny that because it’s actually the Dallas Express, described by lefty Texas journo Steve Monacelli as “right-wing propaganda under the guise of being non-partisan and objective.” No lesbians, no Subarus, no independence.

It’s also a “.com” site. Altogether it makes the article that much goddamned funnier and requiring the verbatim copypasta blind taste test. Safe bet that Microsoft Copilot didn’t break too much of a sweat cranking this out when fed “I need a few hundred words of your best impression of what ProPublica would print about Texas Senator John Cornyn’s daughter’s lobbying connections.”

And all of it very transparently aimed at helping Ken Paxton’s primary challenge against Cornhole.

Ken Fucking Paxton. Remember that old Chapelle’s Show joke about how “Wayne Brady makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom X”? That worked because it was about relative levels of appeal to white audiences. As in a single scale. Trying to do the same to Ken Paxton is really hard because you have to find a modern/historical comparison that was maximally corrupt, racist, nihilistic, and extremist, all in one. Oh and repeatedly cheated on his wife. Then fundraised off her divorcing him.

Anyway 5/5 stars on the Dallas Express article. Actually 6/5 stars because there’s zero chance they were unaware of Haley Cornyn’s lobbying job from day one. They just sat on it until now.