Famous Dutch Chad-bro Joran Van Der Sloot, who in 2023 finally confessed to the 2005 Aruba murder of 18 year-old American tourist Natalee Holloway, was found last Saturday hanging from a bedsheet in his cell in a Peruvian prison but still bearing a pulse, the National Enquirer reports.

The failed Epstein-ing – meaning that it’s ambiguous as to whether he or someone else is responsible for the hanging – came 15 years into Van Der Sloot’s effective 35 year bid for the 2010 murder of 21 year-old Stephany Flores Ramírez in a Lima casino hotel room, a second femicide that the shitbag was able to commit – five years to the day after Holloway, eerily – due to the failures of the Dutch colonial justice system to bring charges against him for the Holloway murder. It wasn’t until 2023 that Van Der Sloot was extradited to a US federal court and confessed that he had killed Holloway while pleading guilty to attempted extortion of her family. He was given a 20 year bid but the judge allowed him to serve it concurrently with the 46 year Peruvian stay. It caps out in 2045 as under the Peruvian constitution no inmate can do more than 35 years under any circumstances.

It does not appear that Van Der Sloot will be relieved of that burden before heading back to his cell block as local outlet La Republica reported the 38 year-old men’s rights activist is in stable condition and is expected to recover. The paper also reported that the Epstein-ing came a few days after he had sent word to the Ramirez family about how sorry he was, reviving media attention to the case.