If you’re one of the as many as 200 million Americans facing a major winter weather advisory this weekend then it’s absolutely imperative that you immediately drop everything and drive to your nearest grocery store to buy at minimum three gallons of milk, five loaves of bread, three dozen eggs, fill up your tank with gasoline and then also fill up a red five gallon gas can.
Don’t ask questions, just do it. Even if you’re already good and especially if you live in a suburban community with a lot of older people who panic buy milk, eggs, bread, and gas as they can every time there’s some major weather event in the forecast. It’s a time-honored tradition to go to the supermarket and complain a lot about how “crazy” it is, oh my God this place is a zoo. You also absolutely have to say something “Why does everyone act like this when there’s a blizzard coming? I just came here to get some milk, eggs, and bread so I don’t have to go out when it’s all snowy. Oh for Pete’s sake they’re out of 2 percent low fat. That’s just great, all these f-wording people have to freak out and come here. I bet the Mobil is a madhouse now too! Every time it snows!”
This is a matter of life and death. You must have milk, eggs, bread, and gas to survive.