A US CENTCOM official tells Fox News that a Navy F-35C on Tuesday shot down an Iranian Shaheed drone after it “aggressively approached a US Navy aircraft carrier with unclear intent,” a development that may or may not have been the end result of binge-drinking date-rapist Pete Hegseth having googled “Gulf of Tonka [sic] accident [sic]” and getting “a fucking killer idea.”

“They did it in the water near Cuba too in like 1889 and then there was this newspaper guy who was kind of like Mr Murdoch before Mr Murdoch who wanted to give Teddy Roosevelt a reason to fight the Mexicans and then we took over Gitmo Bay when we got the beaners to surrender,” Hegseth probably said to the Joint Chiefs of Staff during a tense Pentagon briefing on the incident.

“I like Teddy Roosevelt. Much better president than the crippled one. I heard he would go on these safaris in India or Africa and he always came back with like a dead tiger or elephant. I bet he shot people too, just hunted them like they were animals because that’s more fun. Wouldn’t that be awesome if we could just go into some jungle village and sight a rifle at a voodoo chief? Like imagine he’s holding up his spear and saying some shit in his ooga booga language but you just know that he kind of knows he’s about to die? Fuck man. I wanna do that so badly,” Hegseth probably continued as the professional officers stared uncomfortably, one or two softly clearing their throats.

“USS Abraham Lincoln was transiting the Arabian Sea approximately 500 miles from Iran’s southern coast when an Iranian Shahed-139 drone unnecessarily maneuvered toward the ship,” CENTCOM said in a statement on the possible deliberately staged escalation ordered by Hegseth.