New Ayatollah George W Khamenei, or whatever the hell his name is, addressed the Iranian people in a video statement on Thursday vowing to expand on the previous administration’s national energy policy of blowing up the energy supplies of importers relying on shipments passing too close to his property. Principally this means the Strait of Hormuz, a local waterway popular among the oil transportation boating community and instant geopolitical experts, will see fewer oil vessels and quite likely considerably fewer yachts full of attractive ladies in full-body hijab swimsuits playfully splashing in the hot tub while an Emir ignores them and throws $100s at American rapper Nelly.

Remember Nelly? No, no, not Nelly Furtado, just Nelly… “Midwest Swing”? “Sweat/Suit”?

He’s from St Louis… Anyway, according to CBS News Dubyatollah said “I assure everyone that we will not refrain from avenging the blood of your martyrs. The retaliation we have in mind is not limited only to the martyrdom of the great leader of the Revolution; rather, every member of the nation who is martyred by the enemy constitutes a separate case in the file of revenge,” the language kind of stilted and bureaucratic for what’s supposed to be a fiery declaration of holy war. Like just breaths away from saying “Tehran’s Islamic Revolutionary Comptroller Corps extremist accounts receivable department will be seeking interest and penalties on the unpaid invoice of blood spilled by the infidels. Quicken Enterprise Suite 2003 Government Adminstrative Edition-hu akbar!!!”