“If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting ‘I surrender, I surrender’ while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary ‘Documents of Surrender,’ and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent USA, The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close. The Dumacrats and Media have totally lost their way. They have gone absolutely CRAZY!!!” posted the President of the United States on Monday, using his signature, unconventional messaging style to lob rhetorical grenades at the mainstream media’s Iran coverage.

Ahem. The fat bastard’s whole counterfactual sketch here is actually a useful framework that can be applied to other grievances more within his control, such as his physical and mental health. For example, last month Philippines President Ferdinand “BongBong” Marcos decided to address questions about his situation by simply doing jumping jacks and jogging in place in full view of reporters. Trump could do the same – or at least try. On the mental side, same thing. Why not just take the fucking cognitive test on live television on a special game show-like set with Ilhan Omar, AOC, Hakeem Jeffries and everyone else he’s called “low IQ”? If he wins, then the “Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media” will be forced to report on his stunning victory over his adversaries.