“Just finished my 6 month physical at Walter Reed Military Medical Center. Everything checked out PERFECTLY. Thank you to the great Doctors and Staff! Heading back to the White House,” posted the Supreme Leader on Tuesday, his words so infallible that it is treasonous to so much as raise a mere scintilla of a query as to what diagnostic criteria were used to form his summation.

Seriously, this is what the fanboys are going to point to when some lib asks why the fat fuck keeps falling asleep during the daytime and why his hands have more cosmetic shit slathered on than the rest of his body. “Trump’s health is perfect, he said it himself on Truth Social. See? Read it and weep, you Marxist pussy. Obama was never anywhere near that healthy,” they’ll say in the replies.

His attention already elsewhere Trump then hyped the newest Fox News 2026 midterm “message theme” beta test by posting “Teen takeover in Chicago. Five officers badly hurt. Mayor and Governor are terrible. Should call for help!” without any actual link or even a video of the “takeover.” It’s no “caravans” but the “teen takeover” subplot does have some interesting qualities, specifically in how they collapse “Black and brown” into just “teens” and unsubtly imply that it’s a symptom of failed Democratic governance so it’s why you need to vote Republican in the midterms. Plus nobody on Fox News is ever going to actually say “Well if it’s such a fucking problem then why is Trump passively demanding that the mayor ask him for help when he could simply order thousands of National Guard troops to deploy to the city to impose ‘law and order’ on these rowdy kids?”

Can’t let anything get in the way of a rural Alaskan thinking “Well I was going to cast a ballot for Mary Peltola but then I saw footage of some kid in a Honda doing donuts in a downtown Chicago intersection on Fox News, so now I’m voting for Dan Sullivan to put an end to this chaos!”