Notorious Ohio underworld figure Allison Spaulding, aka “Crayfish Christie”, pleaded guilty Tuesday in a federal court to a staggering 96 transactions in which she moved the illicit marbled crayfish to buyers seeking to live dangerously to aquatic ecosystems. The crustacean crime lord faces up to a year in prison for violating the Lacey Act for selling the invasive species. Spaulding earned as much as $2,812 in the sales, according to the Department of Justice.
“The Department of Justice is committed to preventing the spread of invasive species,” said Assistant Attorney General Todd Kim of the Justice Department’s Environment and Natural Resources Division. “Marbled crayfish pose a unique threat to America’s freshwater ecosystems and the defendant’s sales had the potential to introduce this dangerous species throughout the country. Such conduct will be prosecuted and punished,” Kim added, possibly before returning to stare at a map of the United States covered in thumbtacks and Polaroid photos of various crustaceans, pondering if Spaulding is just a low level soldier in a massive syndicate whose pincer claws and antennae reach all the way to the kitchens of Red Lobster locations nationwide.
Spaulding joins Beeswax Billy, Shrimpy Shirley, and Pistachio Pete as criminals given obnoxious, gimicky headline nicknames by National Zero for no purpose other than to annoy our readers.