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American Private jet pilot Brad Schlenker’s feeling a little buyer’s remorse over his Trump vote, telling Semafor that the G.O.A.T. 45-47 administration has been “useless” in getting him and his co-pilot out of legal trouble in Guinea they’ve been stuck with for months on accusations that kept changing depending on how quickly the previous one fell apart due to lack of, you know, supporting evidence.

“I voted for this administration because they were supposed to protect Americans,” said Schlenker, 66, whiloe his 33 year-old co-pilot Fabio Espinal Nunez did not issue a similar comment. The two had been at the helm of a leased Gulfstream IV in late December, ferrying a family of five from Suriname to Dubai when they landed in Conakry for a refueling stop typical for the route. Suddenly dozens of armed soldiers pulled up, swarmed the plane, and took the two airmen to jail where they rotted for three months until being granted bail on charges that were unfalsifiable enough.

First it was drug smuggling, which somebody in the small west African state’s military junta fucked up and forgot to bring to plant on the plane. Then it was unauthorized landing, undone by the transcripts of air traffic controllers clearing them to land. Finally it was suspicion of flying a stolen aircraft which is also most likely bullshit because Schlenker says checked the tail number’s FAA file and found no red flags and even if it was somehow stolen how the hell is that a freelance pilot flying a charter’s problem? Guess he and Nunez are about to find out because unless the regime decides one of their voters is worth potentially jeopardizing some neocolonial mineral extraction deal being run by a syndicate of former Trump State Department officials, they’re headed for trial.

A 30 year-old involuntarily celibate wizard’s magic powers proved woefully inadequate in his quest to whisk a young girl away from her parents and in vanishing into a haze of sparkles when police arrived at the scene of a home invasion attempt in California’s Bay Area last week, KRON reports.

“My name is Harry Dresden, motherfucker,” screamed Jason Nichols into into the doorbell camera of the home on April 7, with “Harry Dresden” referring to a series of novels about a wizard detective in of that name, lol. “Open the door. This is my neighborhood. Open the fucking door now or I will end you. Do you understand me?” Nichols continued. The homeowner was not actually present but communicating with Nichols through the doorbell cam as the homeowner sped toward the house.

Again, rather than using his wizardry to unlock the front door telekinetically, Nichols simply walked around the house and entered through an unlocked sliding door in the back. It was then that the homeowner burst in through the front door and began beating Nichols with a shovel. Rather than pulling out a magic wand and screaming “EXPLODOCIO!” to cause his antagonist to burst into a red mist of gore, Nichols struggled with the homeowner and inflicted some unspecified injuries upon the unnamed man. Police had already been called and found Nichols outside the home, where he was taken into custody. The wizard faces multiple felony charges and will likely find himself involuntarily non-celibate in the notoriously violent and ruthless California prison system after he’s sentenced.

Asked on Tuesday if there’s going to be any movement toward expelling credibly accused domestic abuser and absolute scumbag Florida MAGA Congressman Cory Mills, his colleague Republican Long Island Congressman Nick LaLota on Tuesday confidently told Politico that he has “a three part test – Has the member admitted to the conduct in question? Has there been a finding by a court? Or has there been a finding by the Ethics Committee? I don’t think that the Mills case meets any of those three criteria,” which was false on the first two and there sure as shit isn’t anything stopping LaLota from at least asking the committee to slap together an interim report on Mills.

If the Politico reporter wanted to do their job then they could’ve countered with “Yes, Mills admitted in court to sending threatening texts to one of his exes, Lindsey Langston, and yes, that court found Langston to have ‘reasonable cause to believe she is in imminent danger of becoming the victim of another act of dating violence without an injunction being entered’ and entered that injunction accordingly, so’s already checked two of your boxes, you sweaty, lasagna-bellied stoonad.”

A January poll by Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries’ PAC put Lalota at 41 to 38 percent against top-tier New York 1st District Dem primary contender Chris Gallant. They should poll the district again.

You wouldn’t want your children near this man. You wouldn’t want to be near this man. Even if he said things you agree with, you would be nauseated by his very presence. He’s a danger to himself.

“China is very happy that I am permanently opening the Strait of Hormuz. I am doing it for them, also – And the World. This situation will never happen again. They have agreed not to send weapons to Iran. President Xi will give me a big, fat, hug when I get there in a few weeks. We are working together smartly, and very well! Doesn’t that beat fighting??? BUT REMEMBER, we are very good at fighting, if we have to – far better than anyone else!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday, eagerly anticipating close physical contact with the chief rival to the United States.

“A physician is behind bars in Walton County after a Grand Jury indictment connected to the operating room death of an Alabama man. The Office of the State Attorney for the First Judicial Circuit announced that a Walton County Grand Jury has returned an indictment charging Dr Thomas Shaknovsky with second-degree manslaughter in the August 2024 death of a 70‑year‑old man from Muscle Shoals, Alabama,” says a Monday press release from the Walton County Sheriff’s Office.

“The indictment follows an extensive investigation conducted by the WSCO in coordination with the Office of the State Attorney 1st Judicial Circuit and additional state and medical authorities. On August 21, 2024, during what was scheduled to be a laparoscopic splenectomy, Shaknovsky removed the victim’s liver instead of his spleen, resulting in catastrophic blood loss and the patient’s death on the operating table. The Grand Jury found probable cause to charge that the actions taken in the operating room constituted criminal conduct under Florida law,” the press release continued.

The last part’s a nice touch, as if to say “Hey you know everything else about our state is a never-ending national embarrassment but a doctor incapable of remembering Anatomy 101 from his freshman year of college and couldn’t be bothered to dust off a fucking textbook to simply triple check that he had the right organ before going ahead and removing the wrong one is still a criminal under our statutes. We can say that about ourselves and proudly so before we elect a complete assclown felon from the Bronx like Byron Donalds to govern us for the next eight years.”

NEW: President Trump tells Maria Bartiromo that Americans can expect to see relief at the gas pump once the Iran conflict comes to an end, likely before the midterm elections in November. pic.twitter.com/a12NSKvtge

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 15, 2026

Yes, Fox fans, you can forget that other Trump-Bartiromo interview from three days ago when he literally said gas prices “could be the same or maybe a little bit higher” by the November midterms.

This is actually the definitive, ultra hi-def version of his answer. Delete the previous one from your memory. It no longer happened. This is your final, most essential command.

Braden “Clavicular” Peters, the MAGA-adjacent “looksmaxxer” influencer whose take on Vice President JD Vance’s skull shape as being fatal to his presidential ambitions rocked the right wing political world several months ago, was hospitalized in Miami on Tuesday night after seemingly collapsing under the influence of an unspecified substance during a livestream, CBS News reports.

Other than a confirmation from the Miami Fire Department that they indeed responded to a call at Peters’s residence there were no further details about the nature of the incident made public. Peters had previously admitted to using meth to stay thin and also famously inadvertently chemically sterilized himself through abuse of other substances to maintain his appearance and physical shape.

A group of House Democrats led by Arizona lib Yassamin Ansari will on Wednesday file five articles of impeachment against binge-drinking date rapist Pete Hegseth for “Unauthorized war against Iran and reckless endangerment of United States service members,” “Violations of the Law of Armed Conflict and targeting of civilians,” “Negligence and Reckless handling of sensitive military information,” “Obstruction of Congressional Oversight,” and “Conduct bringing disrepute upon the United States and its armed forces,” Axios reports on a preview of the next Congress.

Photo courtesy of the AJC’s Greg Bluestein because man it was freaking, um… Guess you could compare it to the Melania movie in attendance on like a per capita basis where if you mash all the aggregate capacity of this arena together to an equivalent number of theaters screening that piece of shit on the Friday evening of the day it premiered then yeah. It’d probably even out. This is how many people took advantage of free tickets to see the vice president speak… But not Erika Kirk, because she canceled due to “security threats,” presumably from Candace Owens fans.

All those pyrotechnics going to waste. Hopefully they’ll be donated to a local church or something.

Prosecutors with alcoholic DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro’s office showed up unannounced at the Federal Reserve headquarters on Tuesday because they just can’t let this stupid renovation project shit go, the Wall Street Journal reports, adding that it was a construction workers who told the lawyers they couldn’t let them in without pre-clearance and that was it.

Jesus Christ these fucking people… Seriously. What the hell were construction workers ever going to tell them? These are adults who work in the most important law enforcement office and they think this Nick Shirley bullshit is going to work somehow because it’s apparently all they have left after the grand jury system obviously didn’t work out for them. Actually typed that sentence… Goddamn.

But even if they were allowed in, did they think a construction worker making $37/hour is going to tell them ANYTHING that was somehow going to help them work backward from the criminal conspiracy they think fucking Jerome Powell is… What the fuck would Powell have personally done anyway? They think he’s embezzling plywood and selling it for 40 cents on the dollar in Maryland?

Goddamn it… Shit. One a funny side note, following the lame tresspass attempt the Fed’s general counsel wrote to Pirro reminding her she was already ordered to fuck off by Judge James Boasberg last month but should she “wish to challenge that finding, the courts provide an avenue for you; it is not appropriate for you to try to circumvent it. I ask that you commit not to seek to communicate with my client outside the presence of counsel.” That lawyer is none other than Robert K Hur, the former federal prosecutor who served as Biden documents clusterfuck special counsel.

The now-40 year-old woman whose toddler-hood adventure inspired the smash-hit Beau Bridges and Patty Duke made-for-TV-movie Everybody’s Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure found herself at least temporarily confined within a hard concrete structure in Midland, Texas again this week and this time it was kind of her fault rather than her idiot aunt’s. KMID reports that McClure, now McClure-Morales, was arrested Saturday night following a reported domestic disturbance at her home and was subsequently charged with assault causing bodily injury involving family violence.

Further details were unavailable, like if she threatened to throw her husband and/or kids down a well so they can fucking see how it feels to be trapped in one of those things for 58 fucking hours.

The full police report on the arrest will not be released until some time next week. Until then and once again, recommended reading for those who haven’t clicked the last two or three times National Zero recommended it: The New York Times’s 1995 feature on Robert O’Donnell, the firefighter who was the one to free McClure from the well but then spiraled into depression in the aftermath and subsequently committed suicide. Rob’s tragic end is not funny, the rest of the story is fucking hilarious. The part about there being two separate factions of rescuers – the McClure Rescue Association and the Jessica McClure Rescuers’ Association – formed to fight each other over the royalties from the TV movie when it eventually got made, is the most Simpsons-esque thing in real life ever and arguably even funnier than the “Timmy O’Toole” episode obviously inspired by Jessica.

“More than 10,000 US Sailors, Marines, and Airmen along with over a dozen warships and dozens of aircraft are executing the mission to blockade ships entering and departing Iranian ports. During the first 24 hours, no ships made it past the US blockade and 6 merchant vessels complied with direction from US forces to turn around to re-enter an Iranian port on the Gulf of Oman.”

“The blockade is being enforced impartially against vessels of all nations entering or departing Iranian ports and coastal areas, including all Iranian ports on the Arabian Gulf and Gulf of Oman. US forces are supporting freedom of navigation for vessels transiting the Strait of Hormuz to and from non-Iranian ports,” tweeted US Central Command on Tuesday afternoon.

Is she really a DoorDash driver? Sure. Was it just a photo op as opposed to a real delivery? Well there’s no other way that a woman who previously testified at a Nevada state legislature hearing to promote the “No tax on tips” policy who later moved to Arkansas is going to end up making a “delivery” at the White House. Did she get paid? Convicted felon President Trump supposedly tipped her $100 and if that’s all she made for the photo op then, well, that’s pretty fucking sad.

Sadder than this already is, that – as mentioned here – the woman is still having to work to support her husband while he suffers from cancer and the Trump regime and the shitty, rapacious company they partnered with for the propaganda exercise, flew here there to work as an unpaid prop.

The president who once advocated for injecting disinfectants into people’s lungs to cure COVID and then hired Robert F Kennedy Jr to run the nation’s public health policy has some interesting ideas when it comes to the cancer prevention qualities of Diet Coke, the New York Post reports.

“Then comes the diet soda pops, which your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass when it’s poured on grass, so therefore, it must kill cancer cells inside the body,” an allegedly licensed physician, Dr Mehmet Oz, told Donald Trump Jr of Don Sr’s beliefs.

Now if something kills grass then it shouldn’t actually ki- You know what? Forget it.

First those Iranian thugs increased your gas prices, now they’re coming for your housing too! In a story headlined “The war in Iran hits home as housing rebound stalls,” Politico reports that the Ayatollah and his evil minions raised mortgage rates by half a percent and made the dream of home ownership more expensive for regular Americans! Will Tehran stop at nothing to act on its hatred of you and the president’s pro-family, pro-Christian, pro-freedom, pro-Law and Order agenda?

When you really think about it though, if you don’t find a house that sold for $400,000 in 2003 and sign a 30 year fixed 6.4 percent rate mortgage to buy it for $950,000 even though the school district is shittier than it was two decades ago, then you’re letting the Iranians win, really. Everyone’s gotta pitch in and if that means moving in and then on the first day getting repeatedly asked by your neighbor’s 26 year-old convicted sex offender live-in son if he can inspect your gutters as part of a free consultation for the new business he’s starting then goddamn it you better let him borrow your ladder so he can climb on the roof in sweatpants and Crocs. American national security is at stake here, you can’t be whining about only finding out he was a sex offender after you noticed that he started going outside wearing a Hot Wheels-branded hoodie after he definitely saw your son’s parking garage set in the moving boxes. Iran getting a nuclear weapon is so much more of a threat to him than some 6’3 225 lbs unemployed pederast whose parents insist is just misunderstood.

Whose side are you on? America and Israel’s or Iran’s? Sign the fucking note, you Marxist.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage after this very important call for all patriotic Americans to make the necessary sacrifices to protect our housing supply from Iranian attacks.

The Acting Attorney General of the United States on Tuesday told Fox News that he totally understands why the First Lady is so upset over the rumors linking her to the most notorious sex criminal in American history, likely because he’s seen the unreleased material she’s trying to get out in front of and there’s only so much document shredding he can do from inside the DOJ.

“As filmmakers, documentarians, and professionals across the movie and television industry, we write to express our unequivocal opposition to the proposed Paramount-Warner Bros Discovery merger. This transaction would further consolidate an already concentrated media landscape, reducing competition at a moment when our industries – and the audiences we serve – can least afford it. The result will be fewer opportunities for creators, fewer jobs across the production ecosystem, higher costs, and less choice for audiences in the United States and around the world.”

“Alarmingly, this merger would reduce the number of major US film studios to just four. Our industry is already under severe strain, in large part due to prior waves of consolidation. We have witnessed a steep decline in the number of films produced and released, alongside a narrowing of the kinds of stories that are financed and distributed. Increasingly, a small number of powerful entities determine what gets made – and on what terms – leaving creators and independent businesses with fewer viable paths to sustain their work,” says an open letter signed by a shit ton of A-listers opposing MAGA oligarch Larry Ellison and his scumbag son’s Saudi-financed takeover of Warner Bros.

Kinda hilariously, and pragmatically, the letter ends with “Fortunately, someone is doing something about all this. California Attorney General Rob Bonta and his colleagues in other states are reportedly scrutinizing the merger and considering legal action to block it. We are grateful for their leadership, and stand ready to support all efforts to preserve competition, protect jobs, and ensure a vibrant future for our industry, for American culture, and for our single most significant export.”

It’s like even they know just stating opposition in principle doesn’t really do shit when you’re up against the evil empire, so a reminder that there’s more going on does ground the whole thing.