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A woman in the German city of Hamburg suffered a bite from a wild wolf outside of an IKEA store on Wednesday, state broadcaster DPA reports while marking it as a milestone in the vicious canines’ resurgence into the country as the first recorded attack on a human by one of the animals since their self-reintroduction began a few decades ago. Wolves were declared eradicated from Germany in the late 19th century but starting from the first confirmed sighting in 1998, a few packs migrating westward from Poland of their own volition have grown to an estimated 1,100 individuals nationwide.

Preservation laws obviously help too. Case in point being that the lone wolf who bit the IKEA shopper was trapped and Shanghaied to a wildlife rescue center in Lower Saxony, rather than shot dead for being an aggressive son of a bitch who should’ve just growled menacingly at someone willing to subject herself to the nightmarish self-harm of assembling the shitty pressboard furniture.

“Iran’s New Regime President, much less Radicalized and far more intelligent than his predecessors, has just asked the United States of America for a CEASEFIRE! We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages!!!” posted the global leader of the grand international chessboard on Wednesday.

The United Arab Emirates, not exactly a military powerhouse on the Arabian Peninsula, is nevertheless preparing to become an active combatant against Iran in the mission to force open the Strait of Hormuz and is lobbying for a United Nations Security Council resolution to create an international mandate, the Wall Street Journal reports. Kind of tucked in to the article is that there’s a territorial dispute motive in play too in that they’re also seeking to reclaim control of an island called Abu Musa, which is significantly closer to the UAE than Iran but occupied since 1971.

NEW: The Supreme Court is set to hear arguments on President Trump’s birthright citizenship executive order.

Under President Trump’s order, roughly 255,000 children born on U.S. soil each year would start life without U.S. citizenship—about 6% of all projected births. pic.twitter.com/UGpRcfZCG2

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) April 1, 2026

Turns out that National Zero’s sarcastic prediction that “Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will intervene and fire the flight commanders, end the investigation, and award the crews with the Silver Star for valor in combatting wokeness” was only a slight exaggeration as drunken date rapist unsuspended the four crew members of the two Apache attack helicopters that flew by white trash MAGA musician-ish performer Kid Rock’s Tennessee hilltop mansion over the weekend, CBS reports.

“Thank you @KidRock. @USArmy pilots suspension LIFTED. No punishment. No investigation. Carry on, patriots,” Hegseth tweeted on Tuesday, decreeing the “injustice” corrected by his hand.

It’s unprecedented! A new CNN/SSRS poll finds convicted felon President Trump’s economic approval rating at 31 percent and his overall approval at 35 percent! Amazing!

“An Amherst, Mass man has been sentenced in federal court in Springfield, Mass for possessing more than 100,000 files of sexual abuse material (CSAM). Daniel Tocci, 31, was sentenced by US District Court Judge Mark G Mastroianni to four years in prison, to be followed by five years of supervised release. The government recommended a sentence of 70 months in prison. In September 2025, Tocci pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography,” says a DOJ press release.

Reader discretion advised for the redacted parts below. Seriously:

“During a search of Tocci’s Amherst residence in November 2023, it was revealed that Tocci possessed over 100,000 images and videos depicting the sexual abuse of minors. More than 100,000 CSAM files were found saved across five thumb drives and more than 10,000 CSAM files were found on Tocci’s laptop. Some CSAM files portrayed sadistic or masochistic conduct or sexual exploitation of a toddler. Tocci’s laptop also contained extremely disturbing images of violent acts, such as a cat being killed by being put in a blender; a male shooting a female in the head; a dog being beaten to death; severed limbs; as well as images and videos of bestiality. Tocci’s devices also revealed searches related to child sexual abuse, such as ‘countries with legal prostitution under 18.'”

What’s interesting about this is the DOJ’s willingness to include that EXTREMELY graphic and sickening shit and not, you know, why a search warrant had been executed on Tocci or why it took nearly two years to reach this plea. You also have yet to see anything supporting the “MAGA” in the headline and may be wondering if Spartan’s just making (a completely justified) assumption.

Convicted felon President Trump spoke to a Daily Mail reporter on Tuesday and expressed his sympathies to the Noem family for having a medium-twisted weirdo fake boob fetishist for a dad.

“They confirmed it? Wow, well, I feel badly for the family if that’s the case, that’s too bad,” Trump said in a phone call. “I haven’t seen anything. I don’t know anything about it. That’s too bad, but I just know nothing about it,” he continued, disclaiming knowledge as though it’s the kind of thing that he potentially would be implicated in. No one would’ve suspected he knew anything about Byron’s private life until he literally just said three times unprompted that he did not see or know anything.

“The National Trust for Historic Preservation sues me for a Ballroom that is under budget, ahead of schedule, being built at no cost to the Taxpayer, and will be the finest Building of its kind anywhere in the World. I then get sued by them over the renovation of the dilapidated and structurally unsound former Kennedy Center, now, The Trump Kennedy Center (A show of Bipartisan Unity, a Republican and Democrat President!),” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday and just have to stop him there because L-O-fucking-L at him acting like John F Kennedy’s still alive and will be at the ribbon cutting when it doesn’t doesn’t actually reopen before 2029. Holy shit what a moron.

Continued: “where all I am doing is fixing, cleaning, running, and ‘sprucing up’ a terribly maintained, for many years, Building, but a Building of potentially great importance. Yet, The National Trust for Historic Preservation, a Radical Left Group of Lunatics whose funding was stopped by Congress in 2005, is not suing the Federal Reserve for a Building which has been decimated and destroyed, inside and out, by an incompetent and possibly corrupt Fed Chairman. The once magnificent Building is BILLIONS over budget, may never be completed, and may never open.”

“All of the beautiful walls inside have been ripped down, never to be built again, but the National ‘Trust’ for Historic Preservation never did anything about it! Or, have they sued on Governor Gavin Newscum’s ‘RAILROAD TO NOWHERE’ in California that is BILLIONS over Budget and, probably, will never open or be used. So, the White House Ballroom, and The Trump Kennedy Center, which are under budget, ahead of schedule, and will be among the most magnificent Buildings of their kind anywhere in the World, gets sued by a group that was cut off by Government years ago, but all of the many DISASTERS in our Country are left alone to die. Doesn’t make much sense, does it?”

I asked Matt Gaetz What Is the Most Disturbing Alien Finding He Learned In Congress:

Alien 'Breeding Programs' and 'Non-Human Biologics'

"I had someone come and brief me who was in a military uniform, worked for the United States Army, that was briefing me on the locations of… pic.twitter.com/XRIwZTXeIw

— Benny Johnson (@bennyjohnson) March 31, 2026

In a 31-word article saying only “A federal judge on Tuesday blocked President Donald Trump from moving ahead with any further work on a massive new ballroom on the former site of the White House’s East Wing,” CNN reports just that. Doesn’t name the judge or link to a PDF of the order.

“This story is breaking and will be updated,” is italicized at the bottom of the brief.

US Army officials tell ABC News they’ve grounded the four crew members of the two Apache attack helicopters that flew by white trash MAGA musician-ish performer Kid Rock’s Tennessee hilltop mansion over the weekend so he could salute them for an obnoxious social media stunt video.

“This is a level of respect that shit for brains Governor of California will never know. God Bless America and all those who have made the ultimate sacrifice to defend her 🇺🇸🙏🏻” wrote the pro-statutory rape lyricist of the respect the aviators showed for him instead over the thrice-elected governor of the world’s 6th largest economy – who also commands a state Air National Guard wing.

It’s not clear when Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will intervene and fire the flight commanders, end the investigation, and award the crews with the Silver Star for valor in combatting wokeness.

Kristi Noem weighs in on report husband lives cross-dressing double life: 'The family was blindsided by this' https://t.co/UOis9YJGLw pic.twitter.com/b7Ohxk2VcQ

— New York Post (@nypost) March 31, 2026

In an “exclusive” responding to the Bryon Noem embarrassment printed by the Daily Mail on Tuesday, the New York Post quotes a statement from “representatives” of the dog-murdering former Homeland Security Secretary, reading “Ms Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this, and they ask for privacy and prayers at the time,” and goddamn is there a lot to work with there.

First off, assume it’s 100 percent sincere and accurate – a heavy lift, sure. But lift you must and read it carefully. VERY carefully. “Ms Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this.” Note how “Ms Noem” and “the family” are two distinct parties here. One is “devastated,” the other “blindsided” as in surprised, which very easily could be interpreted as “Kristi knew, she’s devastated the Daily Mail published the pics of her husband cross-dressing and wearing fake boobs, and she never sat her kids down to tell them their dad has issues so it’s better they find out from her first and not the stupid Daily Mail. So yeah they’re ‘blindsided’ because for so long they thought that only one of their parents was a twisted amoral freak with no respect for the sanctity of their marriage, not both.”

Then there’s the “they ask for privacy and prayers at the time.” Yeah, pray for the kids that Corey Lewandowski just spends the next few days at a strip club in Pierre and doesn’t intrude upon their privacy. Pray he only texts Byron just to ask which sites have the best “bimbofication” vids.

Recently-fired FBI agents Jamie Garman, Blaire Toleman, and Michelle Ball on Tuesday filed a federal lawsuit against incompetent Trump toadies Pam Bondi and K$H Patel whilst also seeking to secure class status for themselves and others canned in revenge for simply following orders and investigating the Orange God Emperor’s endless crime spree, pulling no punches in the intro:

“Defendants’ antagonism to the career FBI civil service is not newfound. Over the past five years, Defendants Patel and Bondi were personally embroiled, as fact witnesses or attorneys representing adverse parties, in investigations brought by the FBI, through the FBI’s career employees. And now, by virtue of presidential appointment to the pinnacle of federal law enforcement, Defendants are abusing their positions to claim victories that eluded them on the merits. Defendants’ mission – in their own words – is retribution. They began their terms of office by compiling lists of FBI employees whom they perceived to be ‘enemies’ – due to assigned investigative work, private comments, personal friendships, immutable characteristic, or other absurd measure – and publicly initiating mass firings on a rolling basis, without due process. The firings were timed to drive headlines and curry favor with political supporters. For Plaintiffs Jamie Garman, Blaire Toleman, and Michelle Ball, and for many members of the proposed class, the first time their names entered the public consciousness was when a senior government official falsely accused them on television or social media of being corrupt, biased, or unethical for doing the lawful work that they were assigned.”

In the “Tectonic Summary” section of a US Geological Survey page on the 3.9 magnitude earthquake that struck the Gulf of Mexico’s seafloor about 200 miles from the outermost mudflats of Louisiana’s river delta lands on Sunday night, a seismologist with the agency puts the gulf’s temporary name right up front with “This earthquake occurred beneath the Gulf of America, far from the nearest active plate boundary. Such intraplate (mid-plate) earthquakes are infrequent compared to those that occur along plate-boundary faults and likely reflect the release of long-term tectonic stresses ultimately generated at the plate margins. This event is among the largest of more than a dozen earthquakes instrumentally recorded in the eastern Gulf of America over the past five decades.”

“The largest significant earthquake in the region occurred on September 10, 2006, with a magnitude of 5.9. No specific causative fault has been identified for this recent earthquake,” the summary continued and no, there’s no chance of that “specific causative fault” or faults ever generating a tsunami let alone one that would ever do any more damage than a hurricane storm surge.

The real issue here is, as mentioned, some kid who grew up fascinated by earthquakes, studying really hard, having to learn the names and compositions of sedimentary rocks and other boring substrates that have nothing to do with seismology, landing a dream opportunity with the premier government geological agency on the planet, putting in the hours and working their way up the ladder by compiling these summaries of events – and then having to write “Gulf of America” instead of “Mexico” by some political appointee who may or may not have dropped out of college and then became an anti-“cancel culture” podcaster. That the real work of monitoring and examining the moods and intemperance of the merciless orb under our feet has been infected by the mindless impulses of the plague of red-hatted locusts that claim it their dominion. May the Earth inherit them.

You always knew there had to be some reason that dog-murdering now-former Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem and her inveterate scumbag majordomo Corey Lewandowski – both married – plainly didn’t give a shit that everyone knew about their affair. On Kristi’s end at least.

Can’t speak for whichever poor woman still calls Lewandowski her husband but maybe she’s just doing her own thing and far more conventionally so than Byron Noem with his, um, predilections.

Trashy British rag the Daily Mail obtained multiple such photos and their reporting paints the larger picture of a lonely and deeply misunderstood individual who regularly interacts with whom the Mail writes are “three women from the ‘bimbofication’ scene – where porn performers transform themselves into real-life Barbie dolls by pumping colossal amounts of saline into their breasts.”

Notice how they didn’t say “face” because Byron’s kink is for unnatural enhancements to the body, not where his wife has had similarly blatantly obvious work done. Lots and lots and lots of it.

Anyway the Mail also raises that Bryon’s kink was a national security risk because someone could have blackmailed Kristi with these photos. Unraised is the distinct probability that someone in the government was already blackmailing her with these photos and now that she’s out there’s no more value left other than to dump them on these eager whelps and embarrass Byron and Kristi anyway.

Specifically mentioning Apple, Google, Tesla, Microsoft, Intel, Oracle, IBM, Meta, Nvidia, and Boeing, among others, Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps on Tuesday threatened to destroy the assets of the companies within missile or drone range starting Wednesday if the IRGC suffers any further senior command officer losses in strikes, according to MAGA-coded Twitter account Breaking911.

Doesn’t seem like markets are reacting yet, but wait to see if it percolates at all.

Incredibly lucky to have caught the President of the United States while he had a rare free moment amid all his tireless efforts to secure victory for the United States over Iran while also overseeing an historic addition to the White House complex, CBS News’s Weijia Jiang on Tuesday called Donald Trump and was able to ask him to clarify whether he really meant to surrender the Strait of Hormuz to Iranian control as he suggested in an earlier post on his personal social media platform.

The president reiterated to Jiang his earlier call for US allies to “build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT” but said he wasn’t ready to pull American troops out of the fight. “At some point I will, not quite yet. But countries have to come in and take care of it. Iran has been decimated, but they’re going to have to come in and do their own work,” Trump told Jiang.

Trump then added that “there’s no real threat” in the Strait of Hormuz. “I’ll be there, but if they’re having a hard time getting oil, let them come and take it like they’re supposed to,” Trump continued, his use of the first person evidently suggesting he personally would fly to the Middle East conflict zone to lead the US armed forces into battle. “Let them come up and take it. They didn’t want to give a hand to anybody. NATO is terrible, and they’re all terrible. So if they want oil, come up and grab it. There’s no real threat, there’s no substantial threat because [Iran] has been decimated.”

“Let them come up and take it. It’s about time they did something for themselves,” the two-time US president concluded his message that a secure shipping lane in the Strait of Hormuz already exists so European navies should go and be ready to exchange fire with Iranian vessels and gun batteries.