We’re now at the “You have no right to punch me in the face if I punch you first… It’s actually tantamount to murder for you to pounch me back” stage of Republican politics in the United States.

Former Tennessee state NCAA football coach Derek Dooley on Monday launched his campaign to take on extremist fanboys MAGA Congressmen Buddy Carter and Mike Collins for the nomination to face Dem incumbent Jon Ossoff in 2026, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports.

“I haven’t known a president in my lifetime who’s been able to achieve these kinds of results. That’s what the people want,” Dooley said in his ball-sucking launch ad. “They want someone who is going to mean what they say, say what they mean. And then go deliver results.”

Tropical Storm Dexter, cursed with what may be the freaking nerdiest name possible for a tropical cyclone, is likely to form between North Carolina’s Outer Banks and Bermuda on Tuesday, the Weather Channel reports on the very low-energy beta storm’s all but certain ineffectuality.

There’s a joke going around on the smart political writers and podcasters these days. It might be old, it might be new, and would absolutely credit whoever came up with it if they could be identified, but it goes like this: A JFK assassination truther dies and, having lived an otherwise pious and virtuous life, he’s welcomed into Heaven and given an audience with God. Naturally the first thing the departed soul asks is “What actually happened in Dealey Plaza?” and God says “Lee Harvey Oswald took a Carcano .38 up the Texas Book Depository and fired three shots at Kennedy’s car, with two of the bullets fatally striking the president. He was the only shooter and he acted alone.”

The truther then says “Oh no. This goes higher than I thought. They even got to God himself!”

MAGA will persist. There will still be the hats, the rallies, the stupid bullshit from ProudPatriots.com, the Trump flags, and everything in between. The fascist batshittery of the American right wing that preceded the rise of and then was supercharged by convicted felon President Trump in 2016 will remain energized for decades and will in all likelihood be picked up by another sui generis leader who can channel it. Maybe more masterfully, maybe less, maybe the same level. The right wing grift-o-sphere has plenty of future ahead of it even if its Dear Leader has both a constitutional and gerontological expiration date within sight by the end of the decade (subject to change).

Republican members of Congress are fun (or “fun”) to watch on Sunday morning shows as they struggle with their narratives imploding on contact with actual scrutiny, weak spots that they’re far more susceptible to given their disposition as elected officials who have to answer to their own constituencies whose loyalty to the Orange God Emperor varies. Which could be why there’s only one Congressional Republican, Lindsey Graham, sitting for an interview this Sunday – and on the safest show, Maria Bartiromo’s, to boot. Which leaves the rest of the GOP booking gaps to be filled by Stephen “Baby Goebbels” Miller, dipshit Dr Oz, regime Economic Spokeswiener Kevin Hassett, and EPA maladministrator Lee Zeldin to go out there with all the confidence of mediocre white men who don’t have the problem of directly answering to voters who occasionally won’t buy their bullshit.

“The very wonderful and talented Lara Trump, whose show is a big ratings success, put racist sleazebag Charlamagne ‘The God’ (Why is he allowed to use the word ‘GOD’ when describing himself? Can anyone imagine the uproar there would be if I used that nickname?). He’s a Low IQ individual, has no idea what words are coming out of his mouth, and knows nothing about me or what I have done – like just ending 5 Wars, including a 31 year bloodbath between Republic of the Congo and Rwanda, where Seven Million people have died, and there was no end in sight.”

“He didn’t know that, or India and Pakistan or, wiping out Iran’s nuclear capabilities, or closing the horrendous open Border, or creating the greatest economy, where prices and Inflation have come way down, and where STUPID and CORRUPT JOE BIDEN set the record for doing the Worst Job as President, EVER. But this dope, Charlamagne, would vote for Sleepy Joe or Kamala? Remember, one year ago our Country was DEAD, now it’s the ‘HOTTEST’ Country anywhere in the World,” posted convicted felon President Trump at 1:50 AM on Sunday, furious that Lara would ever book that “Charlamagne” douche for her Saturday night show on Fox News.

The image of convicted felon President Trump appearing on the jumbotron was booed viciously by the crowd attending the fake fighting circus WWE’s premier Q3 pay-per-view wrasslin’ event at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey on Saturday, per numerous clips on Twitter.

In 2017/18, I proved the Steele Dossier was fictitious intelligence, weaponized by corrupt FBI officials to deceive a federal judge and unlawfully spy on then presidential candidate Trump’s campaign- all paid for by his opponent.

The media called me a liar.

Now I’m the FBI…

— FBI Director Kash Patel (@FBIDirectorKash) August 2, 2025

“The media called me a liar. Now I’m the FBI Director: We just uncovered burn bags/room filled with hidden Russia Gate files, including the Durham annex, and declassified them. Once again, I released the prior FBI’s own documents and exposed the truth. The same media is calling me a liar again.”

“Maybe this FBI will release more docs directly, from FBI HQ… so we can see who is lying- wouldn’t want to deprive the fake news of more bogus Pulitzers. And then… 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸,” K$H continued.

Notice how he left out the files that he said he was going to release months ago?

A truckload of wieners that could’ve been put in people’s mouths instead ended up flopping all over I-83 in Shrewsbury, Pennsylvania on Friday, the AP reports in an article headlined “Hot dog spill shuts down highway in Pennsylvania commuters’ wurst nightmare,” emphasis added.

“Crews were stuck with a job they did not relish,” the AP wrote under the lede, emphasis added again. There’s no official byline so it’s not clear whether UPI’s Ben Hooper – the redoubtable chronicler legend in the business for masterworks such as “Crash on a California highway caused an hours-long ‘traffic yam’” after a similar spill of sweet potatoes – has been poached by the larger rival wire service to serve as their most elegant quill of family-friendly, whimsical reportage.

Which would suck because that guy’s such a fucking wiener. Then again it doesn’t matter as his “style” has plainly already infected the brains of the AP writers who came up with these lame puns instead of just treating the audience like adults and going with sophomoric dick jokes. The closest they got in this article was an apparently sincere use of “tube steaks” as another term for hot dogs.

In an article headlined “Florida parent demands resignation of school board chair who celebrated Hulk Hogan’s death,” Fox News reports that they found some random dad of an Alachua County, Florida Public Schools student to demand that Sarah Rockwell, chair of the district’s baord, resign for writing “Oh did Hulk die? I didn’t even know. Good. One less MAGA in the world,” in a since-deleted post after the openly racist and fascist pro wrestler expired at age 71 on July 24th. Rockwell then added in a reply to herself that the Hulkster had “worked with the McMahons to union bust professional wrestling. He’s never been a good guy. I feel absolutely nothing about his death.”

Jeremy Clepper, whose name does not appear on voter rolls in that town in the Sunshine State, told Fox in a statement that “needs to resign because of her comment ‘good, one less MAGA in the world,’ saying she wants all MAGAs dead,” and that it’s “absolutely terrifying that someone like her is at the head of the system.” Fox News’s article then links to a video of a school board meeting at which Clepper spoke at, writing that Clepper said “he was ‘initially removed’ from the meeting but that the environment became so hostile that he ended up leaving.” The link leads to a Twitter video posted by an influencer Corey A DeAngelis “school choice evangelist,” whose profile banner features convicted felon President Trump’s boilerplate endorsement of his book “The Parent Revolution.”

You know when you really think about it, math itself is kind of like a belief system. Yes, people say that 12 + 5 = 17 but when you drill down that’s just really a widely held opinion open to subjective interpretation. Some might simply feel differently about it. Also numbers themselves are just symbols that can have all sorts of meanings. And if you think those numbers are wrong then you might understandably begin to feel like all numbers are wrong and shouldn’t be trusted.

President Trump on Friday announced immediate action to remedy the troubling jobs numbers from this morning’s monthly employment report by firing the woman who leads the agency compiling them, posting “I was just informed that our Country’s ‘Jobs Numbers’ are being produced by a Biden Appointee, Dr Erika McEntarfer, the Commissioner of Labor Statistics, who faked the Jobs Numbers before the Election to try and boost Kamala’s chances of Victory. This is the same Bureau of Labor Statistics that overstated the Jobs Growth in March 2024 by approximately 818,000 and, then again, right before the 2024 Presidential Election, in August and September, by 112,000.”

“These were Records — No one can be that wrong? We need accurate Jobs Numbers. I have directed my Team to fire this Biden Political Appointee, IMMEDIATELY. She will be replaced with someone much more competent and qualified. Important numbers like this must be fair and accurate, they can’t be manipulated for political purposes. McEntarfer said there were only 73,000 Jobs added (a shock!) but, more importantly, that a major mistake was made by them, 258,000 Jobs downward, in the prior two months. Similar things happened in the first part of the year, always to the negative.”

“The Economy is BOOMING under ‘TRUMP’ despite a Fed that also plays games, this time with Interest Rates, where they lowered them twice, and substantially, just before the Presidential Election, I assume in the hopes of getting “Kamala” elected – How did that work out? Jerome ‘Too Late’ Powell should also be put ‘out to pasture.’ Thank you for your attention to this matter!”

Missing from National Zero’s pickup of USA Today’s reporting earlier – and USA Today’s reporting itself – was that the prison sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell was moved to in Texas this week is a relatively comfy new Club Fed, making the conclusion that there’s some kind of deal going on with her and the Trump Regime inescapable, leading victims Annie and Maria Farmer along with the family of now-deceased victim Virginia Giuffre to issue a statement via CNN’s Kaitlan Collins:

“It is with horror and outrage that we object to the preferential treatment convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell has received. Ghislaine Maxwell is a sexual predator who physically assaulted minor children on multiple occasions, and she should never be shown any leniency. Yet, without any notification to the Maxwell victims, the government overnight has moved Maxwell to a minimum security luxury prison in Texas. This is the justice system failing victims right before our eyes. The American public should be enraged by the preferential treatment being given to a pedophile and a criminally charged child sex offender. The Trump administration should not credit a word Maxwell says, as the government itself sought charges against Maxwell for being a serial liar. This move smacks of a cover up. The victims deserve better,” said the Farmers and Giuffre relatives.

MuellerSheWrote reports that Maxwell’s sex offender status had to be waived for the move.

Virginia Lt Gov Winsome Sears was, um, not the most telegenic of candidates on CNN Friday… That’s a gentle way of putting it. There are a lot of non-gentle ways of putting how it went for her.

The above headline is a slight, immaterial truncation of a quote from convicted felon President Trump in a Friday phone interview with an unspecified NBC News reporter. What he actually said when asked if he’s concerned that prices would rise for Americans due to his tariff policy – after the fat fuck campaigned on “Bidenflation” – was “The only price that’s spiked is the hundreds of billions of dollars coming in.” As in the tariffs being paid by Americans buying foreign products.

One that note, the Yale Budget Lab on Friday issued an analysis finding that the “price level from all 2025 tariffs rises by 1.8 percent in the short-run, the equivalent of an average per household income loss of $2,400 in 2025. This assumes the Federal Reserve does not react to tariffs and so the real income adjustment comes primarily through prices rather than nominal incomes; if the Federal Reserve reacted, the adjustment could in part come in the form of lower nominal incomes. Annual pre-substitution losses for households at the bottom of the income distribution are $1,300. The post-substitution price increase settles at 1.5 percent, a $2,000 loss per household.”

Remember that “TRUMP LOW PRICES / KAMALA HIGH PRICES” sign from last year? That was funny.

“Based on the highly provocative statements of the Former President of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev, who is now the Deputy Chairman of the Security Council of the Russian Federation, I have ordered two Nuclear Submarines to be positioned in the appropriate regions, just in case these foolish and inflammatory statements are more than just that. Words are very important, and can often lead to unintended consequences, I hope this will not be one of those instances. Thank you for your attention to this matter!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday.

Disgraced former South Korean President Yoon Suk-Yeol stripped off his prison jumpsuit and laid down of the floor of his cell on Friday to avoid getting dragged out to face questioning from investigators over crimes unrelated to his failed coup attempt from last year that set in motion his impeachment, removal, indictment on charges of sedition, and jailing awaiting trial, the AP reports.

No this was about allegations surrounding Yoon’s wife Kim Keon Hee, including that she and her husband exerted inappropriate influence on the then-ruling party’s election nomination process in 2022 in the election that Yoon beat current President Lee Jae Myung, who two months ago defeated Yoon’s conservative successor in a special election. To think all Yoon had to do was just not fucking get pilled on domestic right wing conspiracy bullshit urging him to declare martial law.

Sex trafficker and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell has been moved from the federal prison in Florida she had been staying at to a different one in Texas, USA Today reports with a confirmation from the US Bureau of Prisons and without any information whatsoever on why.

“We can confirm, Ghislaine Maxwell is in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) at the Federal Prison Camp (FPC) Bryan in Bryan, Texas,” said a Bureau spokesman in a statement that did not at all shed light on the absolutely 100 percent certainly non-coincidental reason for the move.

Had this happened in any other context you could chalk it up to something like fights with and/or informing on other inmates to get herself moved to a nicer “hotel room,” et cetera, as being more likely than any “politically sensitive investigations” having any bearing on where she’s staying. But at this current juncture? There is no fucking way it’s unrelated to the Trump Regime trying to figure out what to do with her and whether/how she can be put to work on getting Donald out of this jam.

FBI agents scouring 100,000 pages of documents about the investigations into dead sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein as they prepared them for release had redacted mentions of convicted felon President Trump’s name from the files before deciding to just not release them to the public at all this spring, Bloomberg reports with further details on the extremely labor-intensive and opportunity cost-sucking misadventure inside the bureau first revealed by Senator Dick Durbin last month.

A 14 year FBI veteran named Michael Seidel, who had led the bureau’s Record/Information Dissemination Section, was also forced out for pushing back against pouring so much resources into the review – which again, did NOT end with any of these fucking files being released publicly, probably because Trump’s minions knew reporters, lawyers, and OSINT geeks would’ve within hours collectively reverse-engineered the black ink and found where the fat fuck’s name was mentioned.

The upshot of all this is that, after taking a ton of shit from the MAGA base for the failure that was the white-people-dancing-with-binders-full-of-already-public-info day on the White House driveway, Pam Bondi and K$H spent enormous resources flagging and the redacting the Orange God Emperor’s name from the documents, only to finally on July 7th decide that they were better off taking more shit from the MAGA base and everyone else than actually letting the files see daylight.