A vicious brontosaurus stops in for a fast food snack!
We already know what the right’s response to the piece is going to be, if they even read it. “Dinosaur Portal Theory is fake news” or “Just another media witch hunt” or even “Dinosaurs were nice in the Bible though”, which will show their utter disconnection with the facts on the ground. Dinosaur Portal Theory (DPT), first advanced in an obscure 1988 Topps trading card series titled Dinosaurs Attack!, posits that there’s an alternate universe in which dinosaurs were not wiped out by a meteor impact and/or mass volcanic eruption approximately 65 million years ago, surviving the eons since, and could possibly somehow enter our universe through an inter-dimensional portal to feast on humans. You don’t need to have seen the series to understand that could have an absolutely devastating impact on our economy and infrastructure if it were to happen.
Even if one could somehow credibly argue with 110% certainty that a herd of carnivorous triceratops would never suddenly appear and go on a rampage through a crowded shopping mall in real life, it still wouldn’t make any political sense for Republicans to dismiss it. Screaming at persuadable voters that they’re full of shit is not a winning campaign strategy. Neither is mocking sarcastic, assholish white male voters who can’t properly define Dinosaur Portal Theory. In fact, every time someone brings up DPT, the pushback from Republicans will be to ask, “Name one time a pterodactyl suddenly came and snatched a baseball outfielder in the middle of a game at Wrigley Field,” and then to reply “See? You just made that up” when an obviously made up example is offered, as if that puts the concern over DPT to rest. The dinosaurs could strike at any moment.
What’s more “kitchen table” of an issue than literally a fucking velociraptor suddenly appearing on one’s kitchen table while your family is eating dinner? You think a man-eating monster like that gives a shit if you’ve declared your town a “sanctuary city” for unborn fetuses or banned Sharia law there? Do Republicans think a tyrannosaur looks at a migrant caravan and sees a threat to national security or does he see a Mexican buffet? And if they’re so worried about “replacement theory” then how about you start worrying about humans being replaced as the dominant species on earth by inter-dimensional dinosaurs! DPT is real, it’s a real threat to our education system and every other system we have on top of that. People are concerned about it. Republicans need to start listening to those concerns. Calling us freaks is not going to win our votes.