France Presidential election results incoming

Polls in France close at 2pm EDT Sunday, and because they don’t have to deal with a bullshit electoral college there, the question of whether French President Emmanuel Macron grabs another five year term or if tonight they’re gonna party like its 1939 and Putin-backed right wing shitbag Marine Le Pen takes over should be resolved quickly. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.

Hedge fund manager going to play with a lot more people’s money

Maine Republican declared winner of election for state seat by one vote after being arrested for choking wife in October

Canadian Clustertruck captain convicted

Top German conservative activist dies at 96

Guy who can’t get webcasts to work interested in buying MSNBC

Texas Supreme Court gets Ken Paxton out of a jam

Matt Gaetz says he won’t be back in Congress on January 3rd

Judge Merchan indefinitely postpones Trump sentencing

Mike Rogers not under consideration for FBI chief: Trump minion

MAGA Land urges children to sacrifice new toys for America First

Tucker says he told Johnson to “check with Putin” on Ukraine aid

Team Orange “blindsided” by Hegseth rape accusation

Convicted California pedophile faces 740 years to life in prison

New York man actually laser eye-memes fucking Kevin McCarthy

“He was doing very well but, at the same time, did not want to be a distraction for the Administration”: Trump on Gaetz withdrawal

Matt Gaetz pulls out before things got even more messy

Republicans don’t actually know how mass deportation will work

MAGA propagandists put on nominee defense duty

Barrasso comes out in support of Pete Hegseth

Allegation: Hegseth drugged, sexually assaulted woman

ICC issues arrest warrant for Netanyahu

Bobby Jr agreed that Trump fans are “Nazis” back in 2016

Florida man arrested for planning to bomb Wall Street

Out of control inflation: banana sells for $5 million

House Republicans lining up to sink Gaetz nomination

Not The Onion: Alex Jones sues Sandy Hook families, The Onion

Capitol rioter convicted of plotting to murder FBI agents

House Ethics fails to agree to release Gaetz investigation report

Elon Musk got a lot done today

Orange Pharaoh rages over pushback to his shitty picks

Laken Riley’s killer convicted

Bald asshole former acting AG gets NATO ambassador nod

Grindr user “SenatorPartySlut1776” complies with blackmail terms

Freeman and Moss ask judge to hold Rudy in contempt

Jaydee stuck trying to sell Senate GOP on Gaetz

Surprise! Bobby Jr bought into “plandemic” shit in 2020

Walmart CFO says they’re getting ready to jack up prices

US Embassy in Kyiv shuts down over anticipated Russian attack

AG-designate Gaetz helped pay $10K in tuition for two underprivileged sex workers, Committee investigation found

Wrestling executive to head US Education Department

Guy accused of battery who cheated on wife once wrote of one’s “moral responsibility” while at Ivy League. (No, the other guy)

SpaceX landing aborted with Donald watching

Senate approves RFK takeover

Mehmet Oz to run Medicare and Medicaid for Trump Reich

Deeply unstable woman continues ranting about trans Dem-elect

Fatass demands GOP stop Dems from appointing judges

Manhattan DA won’t let Trump go without a fight

Grassley says Senate will move quick if Gaetz report drops

Mike Johnson too chickenshit to stand up for his faith

Springfield Haitian community in panic mode