Oh God, here we go again with fucking National Zero nagging readers to take UFOs seriously while a certain sizable contingent of holdouts in the comment section refuse to entertain it almost exclusively on the grounds that conventional faster than light propulsion is impossible whilst still acknowledging that extrasolar planets almost certainly harbor advanced civilizations and then Spartan replies with some half-baked mumbo jumbo about theoretical methods of “warping” space-time solving the problems presented by classical physics to make such travel feasible and…

…WOW! Holy shit, did you see that thing? That was some weather balloon, huh?

*Ahem* To be less obnoxious, we offer the following two statements:

(A) A secret cabal of Democrats, RINOs, Hollywood personalities, and business leaders comprise global ring of pedophiles that rape and murder children in underground Satanic rituals.

(B) A number of rich and powerful people have sexually preyed upon teenage boys and girls and in several instances have done so in an organized and systemic fashion, most notably R Kelly, Jeffrey Epstein, and their buddies, but almost certainly not limited to just those two.

Part of the reason why so many people believe the first option is because the second one is essentially universally accepted as true. Jeffrey Epstein really did run an organized statutory rape ring. He really was protected by his cronies to an extent that is still unknown. He really did pimp out teenage girls to the rich and powerful to an extent that is still unknown.

We understand if you don’t want to listen to this fucking moron ramble. The TLDW is he thinks the US government has alien technology in its possession and there’s this whole shadow civilization centered around these underground cities that we guess look like something from Star Wars or Mass Effect. Humans and aliens hanging out in the cantina, listening to the same shitty band together, getting wasted on alcoholic glop, fucking in a cheap motel room in a secret space station at a Lagrangian point, then regretting it the next day, and so on and so forth.

You’re all smart. You see where this is going with all the predictably lame rhythm of an SAT analogy question. Insane QAnon bullshit is to real sexual abuse what insane QAnon bullshit about hidden underground alien bases is to… a piece by Obama Administration Pentagon appointee Marik von Rennenkampff (and not some crazy QAnon asshole) published by The Hill on Monday.

Yeah, it’s The Hill. National Zero hates The Hill and The Hill hates National Zero. We know. But it wasn’t Joe Concha or Jonathan Turley’s name on this. The Hill just published it. Shut up.

So put that aside and ask yourselves this: Isn’t a little strange that in an era where both parties in Congress couldn’t even agree on a plan for a bipartisan investigation of the January 6th, 2021 MAGA insurrection, an attack which they all were fucking there for when it happened and were frightened for their lives, that both Democrats and Republicans have been basically acting as one when it comes to building an investigative infrastructure for something far, far more controversial?

There’s legislation on the table now – a draft bill unanimously passed by the Senate intelligence committee – that indemnifies any whistleblower who violates a security clearance to publicize evidence of encounters with what are now termed “transmedium objects” that can “transition between space and the atmosphere, or between the atmosphere and bodies of water.” This on top of all the other work the government and military have done to build a reporting system to encourage pilots and other personnel to not hold back on talking about encounters.

What sticks out the most in Von Rennenkampff’s piece though is the suggestion, and this is not the first time we’ve heard this, that top Congressional leaders saw something that scared the fuck out of them and they want it disclosed to the public as soon as legally possible.

“It strains credulity to believe that lawmakers would include such extraordinary language in public legislation without compelling evidence. Perhaps members have seen the classified sensor data that prompted former President Trump’s director of national intelligence to state that UFOs exhibit ‘technologies that we don’t have [and] that we are not capable of defending against’ (among several other eyebrow-raising comments). Most strikingly, Congress’s new definition of ‘UFO’ excludes ‘man-made’ objects,” writes Von Rennenkampff, all circumspect and speculation-free.

Put that together with the December 2017 New York Times report alleging billionaire Robert Bigelow’s aerospace company working as a contractor for the government had in its possession “metal alloys and other materials…recovered from unidentified aerial phenomena,” and that scientists had “also studied people who said they had experienced physical effects from encounters with the objects and examined them for any physiological changes.”

As we’ve written here before, the Roswell story is probably bullshit. We don’t even know if they exist, but we still feel pretty safe operating under the assumption that aliens would not be so incompetent as to warp across the vast interstellar medium only to have their craft get hit by a bolt of lightning and crash on some ranch in New Mexico killing all on board.

That does not preclude any number of other scenarios. No extraterrestrials didn’t build Stonehenge or the Aztec or Egyptian pyramids. That was all us. Alien vs Predator is lying to you. But to baselessly speculate here, maybe what Bigelow has and/or what the Senate Intelligence Committee may have seen is something smaller, less conspicuous. An ancient alien equivalent of the Mars rovers with a dead battery. The remains of an underground research base that got crushed by an earthquake millions of years ago. An antediluvian refueling station under the mud of the Baltic Sea.

Maybe that’s what freaked out the Senators and/or caused “physical effects from encounters.”

But enough speculating. We don’t know shit except that it is increasingly undeniable that the federal government and elected leaders are really putting in serious effort to getting to the bottom of this. They’re not saying it’s aliens. But they’re not saying it isn’t either.

We’re simply asking our debunker asshole “skeptical” readers to keep a similarly open mind. We’ll entertain the notion that building fucking hot air balloons solely out of materials available to the Pre-Columbian inhabitants of Northern Chile with the purpose of advancing the possibility that maybe those lines that are only visible from the sky were built for the enjoyment of the passengers on said hot air balloons is a good idea if you entertain the arguably more plausible idea they were was meant for someone else, real or imagined. How’s that sound?