The “RightStuff” dating app went live on iOS on Friday – or maybe earlier, we don’t know or really care – and National Zero spent an inordinate amount of time getting a profile set up to make a completely insincere foray into the MAGA dating scene in NYC. This reporter didn’t even get far enough to find hookup prospects exist among foul-tempered Staten Island housewives, as he has not yet and never will receive an invite to join before the network – if it ever does – opens up to new users who aren’t already connected to existing users. All of the better part of an hour spent finding an AI-generated face and photoshopping the background, answering the icebreaker prompts and coming up with mostly fake profile info just to show our readers three screenshots.

Oh and we had to upgrade to iOS 15.7 before we were allowed to download it. That was a pain in the ass. We guess the feature that allows you to pick from one of about 30 songs to play in your profile is innovative-ish. But the off-the-shelf selection is mostly absolute shit. Of course a MAGA dating app would have “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock, “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay, “God Bless the USA” by that asshole, some lame R&B song featuring that racist guy Morgan Wallen, and the absolute fucking douchiest song ever by the absolute fucking douchiest artist ever: “Uptown Girl.”

Further dishonorable mentions belong to “Summer Girls” by LFO, “Butterfly” by Crazy Town, “Roses” by The Chainsmokers, and fucking “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. This reporter picked “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice. “Little Red Corvette” by Prince, “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison, or “Burning Love” by Elvis would’ve been too sincere of choices.

And that about buttons up our review of “RightStuff,” which we do not under any circumstances recommend. If you genuinely are a young single conservative and absolutely have to meet another conservative to date (which is so fucking stupid for so many reasons but we’re going to keep this relatively brief) then just use the filters on Tinder or Match.com to find a fellow MAGA.

There’s no need for this app – which does not stop prompting to ask for your contacts so it can scan for existing users to prompt them to invite you. Now, while that may not sound unreasonable for a product in semi-open beta, just for a minute put yourself in the shoes of a woman like Cassidy Hutchinson (well before she went rogue and blacklisted herself to the Trump-controlled GOP).

Advertising herself as single to the vile DC creeps roughly around her age like Stephen Miller or Madison Cawthorn is the same as advertising it to Louie Gohmert and Ted Cruz. Word gets around and the wolves will find ways to corner their prey. And even if Matt Gaetz and Lindsey Graham and Jim Jordan aren’t, for their own individually distinct reasons, aren’t interested in pursuing a sexually abusive relationship with this young woman they’re certainly interested in the intel the contact lists of all DC area Conservative professional users, both male and female, could provide.

Don’t think for a second a nihilistic piece of shit like Peter Thiel or a total scumbag like Johnny McEntee – RightStuff’s founders – would not be happy to sell out their users’ privacy to help the Republican establishment police themselves internally. Just the contact lists alone would be a gold mine of data for finding potential media leakers inside Congressional and campaign offices if the price was right. That’s just for the people who sign up and never actually even use it, forget about private messages between those actively seeking dates on the app.

Now maybe in theory there’s market outside of DC among regular Jack and Jill conservatives – those who don’t work in right wing political or media-related fields – in cities like Chicago, NYC, Los Angeles, etc where MAGA dating prospects are slim and the GOP’s overlords care not to know who’s fucking who. Maybe it’ll pick up there, but again we have serious doubts on whether RightStuff would get the job done any better than simply using the politics filters on the existing legacy dating platforms (which aren’t even necessary if you already live in Red State MAGAmerica).

These actresses seem way too nice too.