Harris County, Texas Sheriff Ed Gonzales on Wednesday announced a man will not face charges for murder despite his girlfriend’s gruesomely mutilated body being found in the woods in the northeast corner of the county outside city limits, KRTK reports. The sick, depraved individual remains free because the investigation was dropped after medical examiner staff determined the man’s girlfriend was an expensive, anatomically correct sex doll who thus definitionally not a murder victim.

“The medical examiner determined over a video call that it could not be a human based on the lack of decomposition. It is unclear exactly how long it took authorities to inspect the ‘body’ before concluding that it was a woman, but it was made of silicone,” KRTK literally writes in the report on a situation so goddamned funny on its own we had to try to top it with the switcheroo.

We do strongly suspect however this is have been still a “crime” beyond simple littering and that it was more likely than not that some mischievous prankster(s) absconded with their involuntarily celibate friend or neighbor’s $1,000+ retail price “girlfriend” and destroyed her out of simple cruelty. Certainly more likely than a darker version of “Lars and The Real Girl” starring Ryan Gosling. And to be fair to the cops, based on the pic you might’ve mistaken the sex doll’s remains for a body too given the amount of dirt and the texture of the skin – and that they’re not supposed to disturb evidence until a medical examiner or detective can be brought to the scene of the discovery.