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We would’ve picked up this story about a white trash incel arrested DWI and assault charge even without the special twist ending

Enjoy this tale of MAGA white trash depravity from a law enforcement source that we will not reveal until the end. Honestly, we would have picked up this story anyway if we had known about it otherwise, but the actual source revealing the perpetrator’s identity is some fine icing for this cake:

“On November 23, 2023, the defendant was arrested in Asheville, North Carolina, by local law enforcement authorities for assaulting two people. According to local police paperwork, at approximately 9:43 pm, police were called to the 27 Club, a bar located in Asheville, for a report of assault. Upon arriving at the bar, police spoke with Victim-1, who reported that she had been in the bar with Victim-2 and a third person. Victim-1 reported that she observed the defendant harassing another woman in the bar. When the woman denied the defendant’s advances, the defendant walked up to Victim-1 and Victim-2 and asked Victim-1 to make a bet on ‘who would fuck her first.’ Victim- 1 responded that the defendant needed to stop harassing the woman. The defendant then picked up an ashtray and threw it at Victim-1, striking her in the chest. Victim-1 threw a cup of water at the defendant, who then punched Victim-1 in the throat, causing scratch marks, bleeding, and bruising to her throat. Victim-2 then intervened and told the defendant to leave Victim-1 alone.”

“The defendant pushed Victim-2 to the ground and then began to kick him and stomp on his chest. Witness-1 called the police, told the defendant that he had done so, and instructed the defendant, ‘If you believe that you are in the right, you’ll wait for the police.’ The defendant then fled the scene in his vehicle. According to a criminal history records check, as the defendant was fleeing the scene, he was pulled over by police and arrested for driving under the influence. Back at the 27 Club, police were able to identify the defendant as Victim-1’s and 2’s assailant because, prior to leaving the bar, he paid his tab with a credit card bearing his name and presented an identification card with a matching name.” Emphasis ours for the extra fucking stupidity.

Anyway this piece of shit’s name is Alan St Onge, a Capitol riot defendant currently out on bail after getting arrested in June on a felony civil disorder charge and misdemanor entering and remaining in a restricted building or grounds, disorderly and disruptive conduct in a restricted building or grounds, and impeding passage through the Capitol grounds or buildings. The above description of his night out at Club 27 in Asheville is from DC prosecutors asking a judge to toss him in jail.

Maybe we should’ve emphasized “currently” in the “out on bail” part of that last paragraph.

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