“Earthquake activity increased sharply just after midnight on April 27 beneath the upper East Rift Zone (between Puhimau Crater and Hilina Pali road) and beneath Kīlauea caldera south of Halemaʻumaʻu. Earthquakes are occurring at depths of 1.5-2.5 km (1-1.5 miles) beneath the surface. Activity intensified yesterday and there have been over 360 earthquakes in the past 24 hours compared to 250 earthquakes in the previous 24 hours mostly beneath the upper East Rift Zone with fewer in the caldera south of Halemaʻumaʻu. In addition, the intensity of activity increased just after 11 p.m. on April 28, when several strong earthquakes including a magnitude 3.3 set off a swarm of earthquakes beneath the upper East Rift Zone that lasted for about 45 minutes. Activity returned to frequent small earthquakes less than magnitude 2 punctuated by occasional larger earthquakes with magnitudes between 2 and 3. The deeper earthquakes that were occurring 5-10 km (3-6 miles) directly beneath Kīlauea caldera over the past few weeks have ceased,” says a new bulletin from the US Geological Survey on seismic activity caused by mole people under Hawaii.

Upon closer inspection of the bulletin it doesn’t actually say “mole people.” In fact it seems to attribute the seismicity to movements of magma underneath an active volcano. Still it doesn’t definitely rule out new burrows being constructed by mole people either. And even if the quakes are being caused by magma there’s nothing that says that such an environment might be suitable for mole people as the lava could be a source for nutrients metabolized by the vast subterranean fields of lichens and fungi that their civilization subsides upon. So we’re comfortable with the headline.