You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't think xenomorphs are a problem. After all, the vicious, eusocial insect-like aliens have killed hundreds of thousands of colonists across the galaxy and cost billions in taxpayer dollars and in economic growth over the last few decades. Entire colonies have been wiped out, space stations infested, freight vessels destroyed as these nightmarish monsters propagate their hives whenever and wherever they can. Yet despite many resources devoted to halting their scourge our elected officials, local colonial administrators, and military leaders have shown time and time again that they just aren't up to the job. Time and time again the government gets involved and the xenomorphs just end up ripping more people apart.
Take what happened on LV-426 in 2179 as a prime example of this gross incompetence. Now, no one's blaming the colonists at Hadley's Hope for failing to use proper precautions when someone told them to go investigate a set of coordinates. They were just simple folk living in a "shake and bake" colony, 60 or 70 families roughing it on the frontier while chasing the dream. Things happen out there on desolate rocks out in deep space and it was a tragedy that no one could have foreseen.
The response however was a complete embarrassment: A full squad of Colonial Marines, fully trained and equipped with the latest in technology and weaponry, were sent to investigate and within hours were massacred by the xenomorphs – 12 dead plus several civilians. Not to mention a multi-billion dollar atmosphere processor that exploded after the Marine squad's female pilot, who was flying while distracted, crashed a drop ship into the reactor's cooling vents. And then that idiot prison warden who was yelling really loudly at inmates right under an open air vent.
Enough is enough. It's time to bring in a trusted private sector name to defeat the xenomorphs.
No name in the galaxy is more synonymous with success and innovation than Weyland Yutani: Countless worlds terraformed and colonized, entire cities built, millions of starships launched.
Heck, even kids love their stuff!
Now plenty of people are going to be quick to say that Weyland Yutani is an amoral megacorporation that wants nothing more than to increase its own power and wealth and has been implicated in horrific labor and environmental abuses like all those miners who died from inhaling radioactive dust on LV-410. Yet all these critics ignore that Weyland Yutani is a revolutionary meritocracy that has been at the forefront of expanding the scope and scale of consciousness so that humanity is better able to understand the nature of the universe and understand the meaning of life.
Plus it's not like its executives haven't made any such sacrifices either. First the company's founder Charles Bishop Weyland got impaled by an extraterrestrial hunter's wristblade in Antarctica in 2004 and then in 2092 his son Peter was killed under curiously similar circumstances on LV-223. Just minutes later Peter's daughter Meredith was crushed by a giant alien spaceship.
That's what all managers at Weyland Yutani do as a matter of course. They lead from the front line, not from some safe and comfortable ivory tower like all those politicians and bureaucrats do. If those clowns spent half as much time fighting those monsters as they did making sure the Colonial Marines had Black sergeants then the xenomorphs would be extinct by now. Of course the media and Hollywood are always going to be there pushing this narrative that the company mishandled this or that xenomorph specimen because they wanted to weaponize it and people ended up getting killed. It's the same story over and over and over again and it's becoming so tiresome. Even the down to the details like people complaining about the company's synthetics going violently rampant every time. It really feels like these stories following a scripted formula capitalizing on the public's short attention spans, as if consumers are incapable of understanding any new twists.
And Ellen Ripley? Please. Disgruntled former employee angry over getting demoted. The only thing she was infected with was Weyland Yutani Derangement Syndrome. She shaved her head and literally killed herself because her hatred for the company had driven her completely insane.
"Nobody elected Weyland Yutani to set up this Department Of Gestating Endoparasites" say all the unelected bureaucrats who have done nothing but collect a paycheck while the xenomorph menace spreads across the galaxy. It's time to clean house and put Weyland Yutani in charge of this fight.
Only they can bring an end to the corrupt weaponization of the xenomorph scourge.
It's in the company's blood.
National Zero will resume our regular coverage after this far-more-absurd-than-usual attempt at satire in proportionate response to the absurdity afoot in the real, (hopefully) xenomorph-free world.