From Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry’s Thursday state of emergency declaration over software issues at the “OMV,” which is Louisianan for “DMV”: “WHEREAS, the OMV has consistently experienced system outages, leading to the closure of field offices and preventing public tag agents from processing driver’s licenses, vehicle registrations, and reinstatement transactions; WHEREAS, the OMV application and database are over 50 years old and operate on more than 400 programs written in a programming language that is over 60 years old, making support options both limited and costly due to its outdated and complex nature,” and blah blah blah lots of angry bitching.

Yes, this seems exceedingly dry even for filler at National Zero. Yes, it’s so on-brand for a Republican politician to act like such a drama queen over the realities of inertia in the real world after having campaigned on easy fixes. The state of emergency does at least actually waive late fees for expired registrations and maybe declaring it was the only legal way to do that, but whatever.

It’s not the declaration that’s newsworthy so much as the armageddon of embarrassment that a crisis in the state’s “OMV” platform could unleash, all foretold in a silly “MAGA Land” article here from a few months ago: Masturbators in Louisiana need to install and link their ID to the state’s driver’s license app, a fancy new piece of technology that, according to Landry, apparently sits on top of a house of COBOL cards built in the 1970s. There’s no direct unambiguous mention of cybersecurity in the declaration but just given the whole setup, there’s a non-zero chance that either now when the “crisis” point has hit or soon when state IT personnel start mainlining Vyvanse and Red Bull to unfuck the system, that there’s going to be some breach exposing which license holders used it to access porn, maybe even what their tastes are. Maybe we’ll see what Mike Johnson’s son already has via CovenantEyes. Maybe Clay Higgins’s kinks will surface. Maybe we don’t want to know.