“Multiple earthquakes shook Southern California hours after a tremor was felt on the East Coast on Aug 5, according to data from the US Geological Survey. One quake hit Rialto, California, in the evening hours on Aug 5, followed by two more overnight in the San Bernardino area, according to USGS. In Northern California, two tremors also struck overnight outside of Petrolia and Ferndale, respectively. Hours earlier on Aug 5, some in New York reported feeling shaking after an earthquake rattled northern New Jersey,” says a Wednesday USA Today article, copied verbatim to preserve its, shall we say novel, means of compiling recent geological disturbances in separate regions as though the California story is entirely dependent on a contextual background of the North Jersey quakes.

That’s probably overthinking it though about a story for which a headline of “California, New Jersey experiencing a shaky few days amid separate earthquake activity” would’ve done the job for normal adults with the most cursory understanding of plate tectonics and the seismological history of the United States. Instead it gets re-worded in a way that the almost 100 percent physically impossibility that the events were maybe sort of connected in the way that, say, separate tornadoes in Oklahoma and Alabama can be connected, thereby enticing the very fucking stupid among us to keep checking in to see if somehow there’s an earthquake “storm” brewing underneath the continental United States and to read carefully for clues it could be “targeting” the Sarasota, Florida area next.

Pretty solid stealth marketing strategy. Could be the secret sauce behind USA Today’s popularity.